well u got ure reasons

and so do i.

dont u haf this feeling,
it'll all come back one circle?
it all ends where it starts?
but then maybe, maybe dat aint such a bad thing.
maybe dats how we haf endings.
maybe thats how things eventually resolve themselves.

yes so again i am wasting my life away.
again i am doing stuff i shld not be doin.
again i haf listened to the first 3 songs on my burnt cd like 10 times.
dont cry, if u could only see, diary of jane.
and sadly, i prob will listen to those songs,
maybe another 2 mil times until i finish this post.
a VERY long post.
why?
cos i'm bloody bored.
yes dat IS true.

hm another realisation/revelation thingus:
i am very self-glorifying.
haha. bite me.
i've yet to decide for myself whether its a good or bad thing,
cos i tink its both.
too much of a good thing is a bad thing,
and too much of a bad thing makes you a good thing.
=D
wadeva. point is,
i luv myself.
uh no. ok wait.
point is i am self glorifying. yes.
i hope u get the point.
afterall, desmond rocks! (:

ok i haf re-read blog entries of japan trip,
again yes,
and yet everytime i read it i'm still....inspired.
yes i tink that word fits.
because really the climb was pretty much inspiring.
the whole thing was called beyond borders,
and it truly was dat lah.
call me a sentimental old fool (i am =D),
but i still rmb the whole experience quite clearly.
this yr i missed out on indie-venture,
but i don really feel...anything.
not sad, not happy. jsu, blahy.
i mean, it doesnt affect me.
and from wad i hear notin remotely close to japan happened.
on more ways den jus the climb.
haha.
i tink its says alot when jsu about everyone agrees dat he/she would do mt fuji all over again.
jus the way it was.
sweet.

and looking back,
not jus blogging but other stuff,
like diarys and stuff,
hahahahahaa,
i find it very amusing.
dont we all.
u noe, when u realise how childish and dumb and immature and stupid u sound.
haha. i luv to laugh at myself.
believe it or not.
its very gd for my health.

off subra's blog:
"i started laughing when desmond came, but i must admit, kewl pink hairband."
=D

if i were to die tom,
nah i won die tom.
theres too much i need to do b4 i die to fit in a day.

first, if notin else, i want to say my sorries.
yes i honestly do.
believe it or not, i do wan to apologise to pple.
theres alot of pple i need to apologise to.
jus for me to be at peace with myself.
henry, cheryl, pearlyn, amanda, wilbur, aaron, jonathan, yx, sher, xk, mancher, my sister mel, nick, yijing, aiya the list goes on for abit.
the point is, there is alot of apologising that has to be done.
and honestly, its all me.
i've screwed up too many frenships in my life,
i've made too many mistakes,
done, or not done, too many things.
i've forsaken many things,
i've made many things happen.
dat aint all a good thing after all.
its sad too, to think,
it all has to end somewhere, somehow.

and i dunno. i tink theres too much left i want to accomplish,
for me to die tom.
considerin the stuff i wan to accomplish b4 i die,
i will live forever :D

and again looking back,
at all the animosity and shit,
it really is qutie funny.
sad to say,
these things cannot be changed.
cliched as it is, wads done is done.
the sad part part really is that some people cannot get on with it.
or maybe its jus me.
honestly, i tink i've lost some ability to feel.
nowadays my thoughts have become very...bland.
somehow i don feel as much as i used to.

haha. i like quiz. i like list. i like top 10s.
why? hm lemem tink.
i tink its cos they provide an order of sorts.
they make things associate to each other.
really i haf a fascination with those stuff.
i like things to be structured.
in a weird way probably, but structured nonetheless.
i like top 10s, and anything similar,
its cos i like judging.
i like being in control.
it feels good to noe dat u are in control.
u haf the power to decide.
cos come on,
these kinds of oppotunities don come very often.
u gotta go create them for ureself.

i realise i haf strange...tendencies.
my taste in food is very weird.
i love butter. yes i do.
the other time i went cartel i ate like 4 packets of butter,
cos they ran out of bread. haha.
oil is good =D
and i like condensed milk.
i like milk with condensed milk.
haha.
i like condensed milk with water.
which makes me wonder,
when u dissolve condensed milk in water,
do u get milk?
afterall condensation removes water rite?
so u add water...... uh k wadeva.
point is its nice. condensed milk add hot water stir add ice.
woo.
ok i haf other eating tendencies.
i luv sauces of most kinds.
bbq, tabasco, alot lah.
and basically i can eat most things with sauce.
most edible things anyhow.
veggies, mushrooms and tomatoes and NOT edible foods.
so cool. i luv sauces.

wads with me and randomness aniwae?
my brain is seriously kinda messed up.
at this moment in time, 2.04am on the 5/9/06,
i haf not much idea wad i'm doin.
bloggin? maybe.
yes this is a very pointless and meaningless post.
so u tink.

i'm not being pretentious.
i'm not trying to be cool.
really, i'm not really trying to be anything but honest.
i'm being very myself lah.
i tink, being blatantly honest is hard.
i respect and envy pple hu can do so.
why? because most pple fail (very) badly in that aspect.
we are blatantly cruel,
blatantly blind,
but cant be blatantly honest.
maybe its because we're afraid of being blatantly honest.
and i tink it stems from the fact that we are afraid of others being blatantly honest.
it a mean, vicious cycle.

i love my music.
i really do.
i sometimes wonder wad my life would be without music.
without piano, now without guitar,
and most impt without actual songs.
i tink i'd be in a much much more miserable state.
cos music is something i seek and find comfort in.
i can use it to make this bubble of sorts,
create a world of my own.
and not only that,
sometimes, music can provide answers.
its like those questions about which song best represents u.
if u seriously tink long and hard about it,
i tink its actually a very good gauge of hu u actually are.
of wad u represent,
of wad u want to represent.
music is slowly grdually and steadily becoming my life.
i hardly tink i can live without music these days.
its comforting, more den anything else.

i like to make meaning of things.
hahahahahaa. yes its true.
i cant help but do it,
cos i don like not understandin things.
which possibly and probably contributes to my kaypohness.
WHAT.

some things change. some things dont.
is it possible den, to change the very fundamentals of oneself?
cos these days i'm trying, or at least i tell myself i am,
to change. to be a person i've never been.
for once, to not be a slacker,
and actually worry about my goddam marks.
and i'm worrying alright,
its jus i'm not sure i'm doin enuff about it.
u noe, i believe in letting things happen,
but i also believe that if and where u can do smthn,
do it if u want. and now i want.
ok i don tink dat made sense.
the thing is, i realise there are things inate in me dat cant be changed.
genes or DNA or wadeva.
technically, its not my fault. blame my parents =D
but yes there are things i want to, but really cant change.
like my playfulness. i dunno.
its jus in me, and curb it as i try,
it always comes out at some point or another.
another is my procrastination.
i keep telling myself, theres always a tom.
all talk no action, jus like this will be.
i raelise the only way i can actually get things done is to haf pple push me.
seriously. its like rushing overdue work to hand up rite b4 the tr keys in the results.
when those times come around i can do it.
i need that push, that bit of i dunno, kick?

seriously, my mind is only half-concious now.
i'm talking a whole lot of random stuff.
i aint even tinkin about hus gonna read this,
or how pple will read this,
or this and that or this and that.
i'm not really tinkin much now.
sigh.

i hate this feeling of missing stuff.
of missing people.
its always been a matter of so close, yet so far.
sigh. i hope it can work out somehow.
if nothing else for wad we had.
have?