mother of sons

hmm i think now would be a good time to reflect back on a 2006 almost past. i tink i'll draft a letter to santa.

dearest santa:

i have been a very good boy this year. i have achieved quite a number of things in the year of 2006. i took part in a major production, i have gotten rid of many old grudges, i have been a much better student, not having failed any eoy papers. also, i have made quite a few friends this year, ranging from juniors to alibaba people, to jus hk pple, to classmates, to people outside. i also think that i have behaved very well this year, compared to other years. this year, i do not think i have been involved in any major bust-ups with anybody, which is quite amazing really. i've also learnt to restrain myself, such that most of the times i try not to do the wrong things at the wrong times.

of course, no one is perfect right? i've had my fair share of problems this year. i feel that my biggest issue this yr is probably the fact that i have become alot more introverted. this year, there has been alot of brooding on my part, alot of senseless thinking, things that dont have any real purpose, except to make life more difficult for myself. i have been pushing people away, whether consciously or not, because i just dont feel like i can trust anyone anymore. also, my grades, while improved, are still mediocre. i know i can do better, if i actually try. this year has also been a horrible year in terms of the family, as i've had numerous arguments with both my parents.

so santa, while i know i havent been the best kid around, please do realise that i believe have grown quite alot more since last year. and i'm not asking for much from you. i dont want fancy stuff, i dont want expensive stuff. i can live without a xbox360, i can live without a ps3. all i want this christmas, is a moment i can treasure. give me that, i ask for no more.

lots of love,
dessy.

--

time really has a habit of slipping away. just like that, 2 years are gone. and i dont know whether i should feel happy, sad, terrified, anything, because everything feels like forever ago, yet everything feels just yesterday. maybe, maybe i ought to feel scared. in the 2 years i've already spent in vj, i've learnt alot. not necessarily from the books, but i've learnt alot about other things. about people, about life, about myself. and i feel maybe those are more important lessons than actual academic knowledge. i dont know. maybe its just me, who doesnt palce that much emphasis on grades and academic achievements. personally, i think its more important to learn about people around you, and also yourself. these 2 years, i have changed alot. evolved, maybe. when i entered vj in ip1, i was young, naive, innocent maybe, and really not prepared for harsher realities. in the 2 years i have gone through quite abit, which has helped me to define more clearly, but not absolutely, who i am. i dont know if it might be exagerating slightly, but in the 2 years i have probably experienced the highest and lowest points of my life. there have been many low points. i guess its expected, considering we are all maturing teenagers with raging hormones etc. things are boung to happen.

i have felt may things in the 2 years. i have felt extreme happiness, i have felt exhilarating joy, i have felt emptiness, i have felt loss, i have felt disappointment, i have felt anger, i have felt hopelessness, i have felt passionate, i have felt just about every emotion i can think of. and its not even necessarily in the major events. some are, such as the sws saga, or major arguments with my dad leading to me breaking down, but some arnt. its really in the small things in life. winning invigorate soccer and floorball, mourning eddie's death, reading stuff that affects me inside, or just learning to play songs on the guitar, having the chance to do a short presentation that allowed me to open up i guess. its in all these big and small things in life, that defines us. the big things they show us some way to go. the small things are the trials and tribulations along that path to understanding oneself.

sigh. i realise i'm really quite terrible with words. i really cant describe things at all.

i mean, just last night/this morning, i was reminiscing about my past with yx zr zh ht, and i feel that the past is very important. not that we should be caught up in the past, such that we dont move on, but we cannot neglect the past. the past cannot be forgotten, as can be clearly seen from the japan/china thing. the past is necessary for us to understand anything. and i guess i think my past is important for me to understand the greater things in life, past supply and demand and the kreb cycle. things such as friendship, trust, hope, belief, hatred, etc. these kidns of things can only be learned from experience, and through analysing what we have been through.

i think friendship is a particularly pertinent issue for me. all my life, i have had friends. everyone has. but i think i have always been very protective of myself, such that i have very few close friends. and i look back all the way to kindergarden. i remember a guy caled kleon, whom i used to be best buddies with. i don know him anymore, but i can learn something from this, which is that i think i've someone to understand me. or hopefully at least try. and i guess ic an say i'm very very lucky. in pri 1-3, i had many good friends. hell i was almsot a gang leader of sorts -.- but i guess the only close friends i had were shao hui and zhenluan. and after i left in p4, i've never been in contact with either of them again. it quite ironic that now zhenluan is very technically one one sms/phonecal/msn away, but i've yet to talk to her. you know what, i shall. ok now that thats done, back to friendship. i guess in tao nan i never really had a very close friend. yijing, nick, not exactly. p4-5 i was just sort off drifting along. in vs lester and yb were gd frens, but i'm not sure i could really like confide in them. and i guess why i'm lucky is becos thru p6-now i've had tuition friends. tuition rocked. and there are pple like sher mancher (who i've known since 2 or smthn) sam who i guess i can still relate. and sher is the only one i can really tok to about just about anything, and for that i'm very lucky. (if u read this thank you so much) in vj it has been a very problematic issue, friends. i've had anumber of close friends, but now i tink abotu it i wonder how close close was. sws was close, me daniel diane were close. but they were so different, the friiendships. and the context of it too. and i guess what i've learnt is that friends are very important to me. i would prob die if i didnt have friends to talk to or hang out with.

i guess the thing i've learnt most is that i'm not one who lets go easily. i cant, quite honestly. i have a whole archive full of stuff from when i was young. and i think it accounts for why i dont trust people easily. i dont want to have to let go. cos i mean, 90% of the time things wont work out ideally, and most good things have got to end. and i think i'm afraid i cant let go. and hence i dont want to take the chance in the first place. and its probably why i dont have many close friends. i just aint willing to risk it. some people trust easily. those people are divided into those who react well and those who react badly to having their trust broken. i think i belong int he secodn category, which is why i dont want to trust people easily. its not that i dont want to trust anyone per se, because if i could i would, but is it worth it?

actually, i've also learnt something else very important during these 2 years. i have realised that it is only in very extreme situations that we can really see more of others. because i think people are more vulnerable when exposed to such situations. one very good example is mt fuji. it really showed myself a different part of me, and it also allowed me to see many different people differently. the sws thing also. exams. even something as recent as the missing camp. familarity is a bitch. i think the missing camp worked cause there was still a fair amount of unknown present. or anywhere for that matter. the unknown factor is very inportant. it makes people have to step out of their comfort zone, to do things they normally would not, and its then you raelly see the different sides of people.

often i tell others, and myself, that i dont regret things. looking back on the 2 years, i cant say i regret anything, because i think everything that happened happened for a reason, and that i have learnt from those experiences. i think regretting stuff is pointless. its better if we accept that things have happened, we moe on. if we've made a mistake, like i have many times, try to correct it. sometimes it works out, sometimes it dont. we jus gotta live with it i guess.

these 2 years, i think they have bee well spent. i may not be happy about how it went, but i'm satisfied. because it allowed me to grow as a person, and i think thats possibly the most important thing. afterall, you cant mug life.