its all not coming back to me

hm my fm jus hanged. and i dunno why but msn keeps lagging on me. its so sad ><

on the plane, i did a certain amount of re-evaluation. and i've relooked at myself, at the things i stand for, the things i'm afraid off.

looking through my own archives, i've realised that in the 2yrs i have changed alot. now, i think my fears are alot deeper, alot more fundamental. one of my most fundamental flaw, is the fear of absolutes. i'm positively terrified of absolutes. its in the way i write. all the time i use terms like i guess, maybe, i think, because i cant be sure. because i dont want to be sure. its like how i can ask so many questions, but i can never provide answers. and even when i do, they are never adequate, never complete. i guess (see?) i just aint ready to be sure of myself yet. i dont want to fix anything. i wna that certain amount of leeway, of uncertainty, of gray. it makes making mistakes easier i guess. and also i think i dont want to be restricted, which is why i never want to use absolutes. but there lies a big problem. because without absolutes, i cant define anything. everythings relative this, relative that, hence there no longer is right or wrong. but i suppose there must still be some distinction of right or wrong, which is where i fail.

there something about intensity thats so damn alluring. if thats the right word. its one of the few things that i am willing to let myself go for. well not techincally let myself go, but rather to be myself. which is why i'm so drawn towards music, acting, sports. its really the only ways i can really just be myself, its the only way i can drown myself in the intensity of it all and not, well drown. i guess its the only way i can let go, the few times i can be me, and not be judged by it. its sort of like a facade that actually means something. it facade of mine that actually works? i dunno.

i'm incoherent.

i hate talking about how i feel. its difficult. it makes me have to deal with it. and i'm not sure i can.