merry effin christmas

here i am, on a chilly christmas morning, stoning. actually, its really times like these when funny thots start entering my head and leaving thru my fingers. when i'm 3/4 awake, when my normal thinkin brain is on standby mode, and when theres nothin to do. it happens.

and its really quite sad, that its not like theres nothing to do. i mean, everything is happening all around me, but nothing is happening to me. theres activity everywhere, except here. isnt that nice to know?

excuses. there are excuses for everything. the only thing that doesnt have an excuse, is excuses.

its 8 days till the new sch year starts.
its 6 days till the new year starts.
its _ days till i understand?

i cant stand who i am. i really cant. ok maybe thats not true, but i cant stand some parts of me. i positively hate it. but the thing is, its become like part of who i am in everyone's eyes. and perception is possibly one of the hardest things to change. cos like, no one really understands. no one wants to understands.

it hurt. everything does. but no one notices. does it hurt more? or less? does it even matter anymore?

people change. thats wad we all say. but i'm thinking, really? i mean, can pple actually change? i'm not too sure. i mean of course some things can, but what about the very barest of things? those right at the core? can we change those? can we bear to change those? do we even have the power to change those things?

nothing is nothing. everything is something. nothing is still something. whats your something?

its not that i don wan to talk. its not that i dont want to tell you. its just, its so damn hard. i find it so difficult to really describe exactly how i feel. i'm not good with words. or rather, i'm not good with direct conversations. i can give u a million metaphors about how i feel, but i still couldnt say how i feel. is it because of that i'm so, 'removed'? i dont even know if its the right word.

i dont even know if anything is the right word.