making notice

its 2 days to the new year. 2 days till today is yesteryear.

well, its been a long time coming, really.

2007. sigh. what a year, what a year. i must say, it has been one of the better years. i'll rate it within the top 3. definitely, it hasnt been easy. it hasnt been smooth. it hasnt been peaceful. the one thing it has been, is that it has definitely been different. alot has happened this year, and thinking back, its still too much to fully digest.

firstly, i think 2007 was (i shall as of now use the past tense) a year of new beginnings. i think entering the jc system did give me a chance to start afresh. while there was no chance i'd get a clean slate, i think i at least got a chance to scrub it abit. at least some shot at redemption. some things will never go away, my horrible rep, my procrastination, etc. however, the thing that DID go away, was the failing! and that was a remarkable change. did i do very much to bring that change about? i dont think i did. i dont think its fair when people say arts is easier, or its for the stupider people or what. i mean, i wont start on that argument, but i think for me at least, its just a matter of being put in a system where i fit. lit, ki, i can do. bio, chem, i cannot do. its quite simple.

2007 has been a year of new beginnings, also in terms of friendships, and just general socialisation. in that respect, i think its been a breakout year of sorts. granted, its only been a year, there's still a year more to go with a12, but i think we've been blessed somewhat. i am thankful for the classmates i have. while they may not be perfect, while they may all have their flaws (just like i do), i'd like to think we're an accepting bunch. and i just think the general atmosphere is just so much more relaxed. ip, while it was fun and stuff, it was so damn intense and competitive, and just, really stressed out. and mr stress0is-my-middle-name here definitely did not go well with that environment. from a selfish point of view, a12 definitely did me good.

so a12, thanks :)

i suppose 07 also made me start afresh, to just rethink alot of what has transpired in my past. i had to re-evaluate friendships, made and broke some, patched some of them back, left some of them hanging, and well, its been alot. i guess in 07 i came to learn alot more about myself also. quite many firsts, in that respect. i mean, they say everything will have its first time, i guess for me alot of those firsts just happened to occur in one year. and i'd like to think i've managed to define myself better. granted, i've still got some way to go in defining who i am, but i think i've taken steps this year. significantly greater steps than the last 2 years. 05 was the year when everything kinda crashed and burned for abit, 06 was something of a year of just recuperating. in 07 so much happened, so much that put me in positions i never have been before. thinking back to the choices i did and didnt make, it has helped shaped who i am now. some things, there just any turning back.

i think this year i kinda saved my life. as ridiculous as that sounds, i think its true. cos i'm just thinking back to 06, and i mean, shit man i was really emo. and if that had carried on into 07, i think i'd be in a heap of shit right now. thats not to say i've been all happy shalala this year, because i most certainly have not. i think the difference is that now i think i can cope better. there have been cases where i obviously was not able to cope, but i think in general its better. i suppose, many people will say its part of growing up, and in a sense they are right. this year i did grow up. i had to. ip was safe, it was comfortable. and as messed up as it was, there was always the safety net, that we were all still kids. but we're kids no more. i cant go on behaving like a kid, thinking that things will work out as long as we will it to. but i think at least now, i've moved away from being fatalistic. while i still am in some respects, its usually more a matter of idealistically rather than realistically. at the start of the year, i was still very naive. i thought i had it down, i thought i could just, be who i was, who i will be. but i was wrong.

however, 07 hasnt been without its issues. the issue that still plagues me the most is all the doubting. there's way too much doubting now i think. last year, i think i was more arrogant, more ignorant, more defiant, more stubborn, and it made it easier to be sure of myself and what i was doing, even if it was wrong. this year, i think i've learn to control myself better, (although by how much that's debatable), but the problem now is that i keep doubting myself. its annoying, both for me and the people who put up with me (thanks guys), and it is something i have to sort out the coming year. (the sudden realisation that has some upon me is that i am currently chronologically existing in a time void. its neither 07 any more, nor is it 08 yet. we're all just somewhere in between, waiting to be taken forward or left behind). i dont like it, having to doubt myself all the time. it stops me from doing things i should, from making decisions i should. i think the problem now is that i'm afraid of making decisions i think. like, i've become so much more aware and wary, its impeding some of the natural impulses and instincts. i think as of right now i'm too afraid of being wrong, too afraid of failing. i suppose that's at least the one thing i can pick up from previous years. in 08, i guess what i've got to learn is to rediscover some of that fearlessness and abandon, but at the same time to also maintain a mature and sensible mindset. i think i'm finding it, just very slightly. is it enough? no i dont think so, not quite.

its about finding the balance. between being fun-loving and being childishly annoying. i want to have fun, i do actually want to enjoy life. i think it only gets hard for me when i start thinking about it too much. (like now) however, when i dont think about it, i tend to do really stupid stuff. can i find that balance? i dont know, i think we'll just have to see. maybe being a senior (for once) will put some new perspective on things.

08 is soon to be upon us. i wont make resolutions, because i dont keep them, and as such there is no point in making them. we set goals to give us direction, but if those goals are frivolous, there is a greater chance of us losing direction.

all i really want in 2008, right now, is to do the things i want. forget about whether i think its wrong or right. at some point, i've got to take the plunge. you'll never know how deep it goes till you dive in and reach the bottom. and from there, you can work your way up. i dont want to end my final year in jc regretting not having done stuff, because i worried about it and thought about it too much. while i cant change who i am, i cant make myself not think about things, i think i can at least adopt a different attitude to things. and hopefully that'll make a difference.

is it possible to learn to hope?
i mean, if hope is a learnt response,
it can be unlearned, and it can be relearned.
but is it?
i think it's probably a little of both.
i think from young, when hope is learnt,
i figure at some point it then becomes a natural instinct.
i never had that kind of childhood.
did i ever stop hoping?
its hard to say.
but i think this year i've at least managed to overcome that mental inertia.
and well, to at least think about it, maybe give it a shot.

is it that hard to imagine, that Muse saved my life?

however, i think 2007 will not really close, because there are just too many loose ends hangings, to many songs unfinished, to many memories uncategorised. not that i expected it to. i dont think i'm looking for closure. quite the opposite actually. i think i am actually looking for continuity of some sort.

i think the main difference between this year and the years that have passed, i actually think i have been happy this year. not throughout, because that'd mean the end of the world is around the corner, but i think i've actually felt happy, and that counts for quite alot. i mean, i'm not exactly very happy person, never was. but this year i'd like to think i've been in touch with the happy side of myself. its a very very different feeling, one still quite unfamiliar to me. no, i dont think happiness is overrated. i think it is overstated, but not overrated. at least, not yet.

i am still quite naive.
i am still very stubborn.

at least, i've learnt to stand on my own two feet. it hasnt been easy, but it was the right thing to do. at some point, we all must re-evaluate all our promises, decide how much they are really worth.

i dream. i dream of wanting more. i dream of being somewhere else. i dream of the past. i dream of the future. and i dream about them.