sometimes, i really just want to be happy.

if only just for awhile...

everyone's got their own flaws. that's what makes us different from each other. and i mean, sometimes it is very hard to deal. sometimes it does get too much, where you just feel like giving up, where you just feel like letting lose all that pent up frustration. its so easy to say that we should tolerate. the question really is, how much does one tolerate?

i like to judge people. that's the honest truth. i like to judge people, to make sense of the relationships, everything. do i adopt the position of someone greater, someone superior? i dont think i do. i hope i dont. i wonder how much people judge me. i wonder if people judge me as much as i judge myself. is judgement bad? is it wrong to pass judgement? i dunno, it depends i guess. it can be argued that it is our judgement that determines who we are. like, what you like, what you dislike. its all judging isnt it? but at the same time, judgement can be "wrong". i think its not so much the judgement, but rather if we act on those judgements. by taking action i think we're bringing it pass just the act of judging.

i dont know if i have a sense of what's right and wrong. my mind works weirdly. i dont know if i'm in any position to judge people.

turning 18 soon. man, that must feel good.

thank goodness we now have a fantabulous group piece.

(i will attempt a longer more coherent blog post when my mind becomes longer and more coherent)

how can we win, when fools can be king?

fuck pop up ads.

she's slipping away once more.

i am confused. i keep having that same feeling over and over again. its just the feeling of no knowing who you are or what you are. sigh. i can still remember everything quite vividly. i dont think it will go away. not any time soon at least. you know, maybe i never did quite move on.

mmmh what you say...

i dont know what i want. or maybe that aint true. i know what i want. i cant decide what i want more. i know i cant want everything, that's just selfish and naive. i suspect i've got all my priorities all messed up. both by myself and also by others. i mean, i think everyone is set expectations. really, some of them are ridiculous. i mean, i know i'm being very selfish and short-sighted, but thing is, if i really dont want to do it, if i dont enjoy it at all, then what's the point?

you know, i keep asking myself so many questions, but i can never find any answers for them. i'm waiting for people to tell me what to do, because i'm just too afraid to take a stand.

i have issues. i dont think i can get along with myself very well. its becoming something of a problem. for quite long, i just have had to tolerate, to endure. i dont know, am i to be condemned for occasionally snapping? i probably am too proud to say sorry, but i am. i just wish people knew that. and i mean, looking at the stuff i've got to take, i dont want to whine and say that it is only fair, but i think it is. oh well. i'm just being all self-centred again.

absolution is upon us.
before you know it,
you're awake once more.

it makes my heart beat a little bit quicker,
lets me forget i'm hanging on to life-support.

the sooner this is all over, the better. i cant wait for ns. i really really cant wait. i mean, 2 years of being away from home!! how wonderful is that!

sigh. it really does piss me off. and well, the sad part is that i know it is in me also. and i dont know if i can control it. its like a monster eating away from within, yet at the same time attacking from outside.

and i'm hanging on to a heartbeat, waiting to pass my time.

gosh, why are you so stubborn?? you're greatest shortcoming will be the fact that you never dare to step up. and you know it, right? something's gotta change if you want to get anywhere at all.

time to stand up for what you want...

sigh. my heart isnt in it anymore. its been that way for very long now. i mean, its just not what i want to do. i'm not running my race, i'm running theirs. there's no more motivation, no more drive. i'm just plodding on, step by step, hoping to get far away enough for them to forget.

you're number has been called.

sigh, i think its happening once more.

so, this is post 700. its been awhile hasnt it. wasnt too long ago that we were all young and naive.

i would just like to say that i am really fucked for my tsd and ki is/es, not to mention groups prelims in six freaking weeks. and a stupid piano reexam to top everything off.

-insert multiple swear words here-

mon like, totally rocked.

i find it quite amusing how when you read freshman blogs, they all seem to have an impression that they have "classrooms". like, the classroom is 'theirs', they have a particular 'seat', its all rather amusing i must say. its just, strangely naive and quite honestly funny. i suppose they havent yet been immersed in jc life to understand what it is like. i guess the thing about classes in jc is that, without a fixed classroom, you lose a sense of belonging, which in turn might result in the loss of a group identity. which then makes you have to work harder to use other means to maintain and feed that identity.

and for how long?

i'm going to pretend that i cannot hear a sound,
so that i may live without seeing you smile.
practice makes perfect in this world of imperfection.
now that it's all said and done,
i can go on making the same mistakes as before.
just to prove to myself that i was wrong,
give myself one more shot at redemption.

i somehow think i am losing it. it just doesnt feel quite right anymore. i am in a strange position. its weird, because i've never felt senior before. there's never been that kind of, i dunno, false sense of responsibility. suddenly, there's so much more to think about. suddenly, it isnt just all about me anymore. suddenly, i've got to be something more.

or maybe i'm just cheating myself, pretending that they actually care.

watch one after another, duh, its part 1 and part 2.

6 posts to 700. and it only keeps on moving on.

well, orientation has thus far been a blast. i'd like to sound a lot happier and more, you know, crazy, but its just rather unlike me. or is it?

so anyway, orientation has thus far been a blast. have been having a lot of fun, going crazy and all. havent had quite this much fun in a long time. and thank god for orientation lah, at least can start of this horrible year well. 08 is going to be a reaaaaaaally long year.

i am really damn long winded. this is bad. i need a new start, a new means of getting ahead in life. as of right now, i am so not ahead.

i realise, there are many different kinds of blogs. personal blogs that is, not like, spluch or aal or the like.

http://www.atomfilms.com/2008/kung_fu_election/index.jsp - AWESOME!!

anyway, yes back to blogs. well, i suppose some people blog for others to read. like, they know people read their blog, so they've got to sorta tell people stuff that is happening. and suppose reading those kinds of blogs, at least its interesting cos you can like find out about what people are doing, and gain an insight into their lives. i think those kinds of blogs also have better emotional presentation, in the sense that its easier to tell how the person feels. i suppose those kind of blogs are more spontaneous in a sense, because people will always blog after something happened, when everything is still fresh.

and then there are blogs that, i dunno, people blog for no one really. i think mine's sort of liddat. its more pensive, more reflective, definitely more sombre. there's alot less telling of what happened, rather there's more thinking and reflecting going on. actually i dont know if this is true, its just more what i think about my blog. i think i blog for me lah. it helps me to clear out my thoughts, sometimes i rant, sometimes i mope, sometimes i just blog cos i'm too damn bored. but i think it also acts as a kind of journal, in the sense that at least for me, i can chart how i've developed by looking at my archives. the way we blog, the things we blog about, it all changes i think.

there's no saying which one is better. i mean, they both have their own good points. i think its probably good to have a little bit of both. but then again, that may be asking too much. then again, maybe this analysis of blogs is too general. i mean, i think its overly simplistic to say that all personal blogs fall under 2 distinct categories. i mean, i am pretty sure there is alot of grey area.

but what matters most, is that we belief in what we say, and we dont hold back on how we feel.

i suspect one could argue that any act not motivated by the want to progress and advance, is hence an act wasted.

well, do meaningless emails then become inconsequential? after all, the email hardly seeks to push for advancement or progression of any sort. all it does is reaffirms what we already know. then, reminders are hence rendered meaningless. is that what we want society to become?

i feel that we need to question ourselves. maybe we are too caught up in this system of ours, so obsessed with advancement and reaching the top of the pile, that we forget not only the right way to get there, but also we forget to pull the people behind us along with us.

i think that may just be the greatest lesson from this week.

and so it begins.

listen up my fellow beings, together, we shall strive for greater heights!
no matter how often we may fall, we will always pick ourselves up again!
why? because we can! because we must!
listen to the calling from within your heart.
find the will to crawl even when your legs are wasted.
together, we will be king!