making notice

running around in circles all the time.
licking the salt in my paper cut wound.

gosh, january is over, just like that. it still feels strange being j2. its almost like it hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know when it will. but oh well, everything takes time i guess. you know what they say about time healing all wounds. in a way, i think its true. the question to ask is, just how long are you going to wait? we dont live forever, we dont heal forever. i suspect many people go through their lives with wounds that will never heal.

the thing is, most people dont care the way i do, i think. maybe i'm just anal, maybe i have some kind of complex, but i suppose the core of it is just a desire to be specific. trying to sort out the differences between 'can' and 'will'. the differences between 'must' and 'are'. its all about the phrasing, these questions... i mean, different questions ask for different answers. there is a difference between "can you do something?" vs "will you do something?". one does not necessarily lead to the other. i suppose people just assume that correlation.

i think the one thing i need to figure out is what i want. okay so it probably isnt that simple. its more like, among all the things that i want, what do i want most? i havent figured that out, and honestly i dont think i am anywhere close to figuring that out. and you know, i am turning 18 in 4 days. i should really get to figuring this out. i cant just get on in life not knowing what i want. i need a direction, i need a goal.

its hard wanting something you cant get.