and he said: "i lied."

hello.

this is the time where everyone starts thinking about life after jc, about uni, about ns and everything. it does scare me. i need to clear my life out, and start all over. start to think. i havent been thinking alot lately. surprisingly, i've been feeling alot. now its time to think. the matrix helped. it helped me get back into a groove of sorts. but still its not enough. watching a movie wont gift me 2 years of econs. i dont feel the pressure yet, and when i dont feel the pressure i wont ush myself. suddenly everything is coming back to get me. all those fears, all those insecurities, they are all threatening to overwhelm me.

sigh. i dont feel quite as smart anymore. my brain just refuses to work. i'm constantly tired. and this is no time for any more excuses. there can be no more excuses. excuses wont get me my As. i fear i am looking too far ahead. i'm already looking forward to ns, to uni, and i mean, i havent even started worrying about A levels.

i need to start making lists again. tom i shall make lists. i shall make many many many lists. i shall list everything i want, everything i could have, everything i dont want, everything. i shall make lists. many lists. one list to rule them all.

life, the contradiction i rather do without.

its easy to get lost, especially since i was blind and never wanted to say goodbye.

so i ask myself over and over again,
how often more will i suffer my own shame?
its irrational, its intentional,
ultimately, its my fault, my blame.
i'm a pinball, taking my time to slowly fall.

there's nothing like a slow night to destroy the silence.

its over. dats all there is to it. the pain will hit me some time later.

post 800:

it hurts. 2 years, and it comes down to bad refereeing. i'm not sure how much more we could do. we gave it everything, but it seems it really isnt meant to be. we fought and we fought and we fought. it just came down to horrible refereeing, and one mistake. how sad, that two years it just comes down to that.

on hindsight, this may be the match we found ourselves. this was the match we prove to ourselves we could be the best. this was the match of missed chances. but right now, i'm just hurting.

THIS IS IT.

2 more posts after this and i hit 800.

so i'm feeling weird. its not really sadness. its a mix of regret, disappointment and frustration. we need new words for such complex emotions.

life is very different, although i'm not sure everyone sees it. sometimes, i am too quick to judge. in my mind, judgement is everything. its not a negative nor positive thing. it is neccessary, and it happens. it establishes a relationship that otherwise would be farcical.

what's worse? having friends and feeling lonely, or not having friends and feeling lonely?

how long can i pretend that its not there.

i am going to sleep in 15 mins. in the mean time, i shall pretend to be interesting. HELLO!!! hahahahahahahahaha. i am like, so totally interesting right. i want to be king, i want to be king, i want to be king! burger king burger king burger king!

like, TOTALLY.

so yes, i admit it might be a little wrong, but isnt everyone entitled to think out of the box once in awhile? so yesterday, i thought outside of the box. i stayed up till 2am playing a stupid computer game. how out of the box is that! in this age of non-conformity, sometimes thinking outside of the box is the stupidest thing a person could do.

crazy, but absolutely lovely...

OMG DIABLO III

i dont want to complain again. i should stop complaining all the time, and do something about the pain.

its everywhere. it really is everywhere. and somehow, it almost seems too easy. it cant be. or maybe i'm just not simple enough.

a dead rose is an interesting sight.

quietly, she stood there, waiting for a sign. it was pouring now. the skies have changed, the drains were flooding, but inside her it remained still. she could wait.

staring from a distance its easy to judge, the silly little girl standing in the rain, refusing to budge.

yes, she had her umbrella, we all do. it was yellow in colour, but it hardly kept her dry. but still she persisted, still she waited. for she had to, for she wanted to.

its like telling a story. it always is. we search for fairytale endings to escape this misery, endings that give us hope. endings that matter to us. endings are important. they give us reason to press on with the story, to deal with the twists and turns and to never give up.

so maybe this is the story i'm trying to tell, even if no one will listen. we all have stories. some have fairytale endings, others dont. not everyone is lucky enough to make it all the time. but we all have stories. we're made up of stories. stories to cover up our mistakes, stories to glorify our achievements.

honestly, what can i do? i'm helpless.

how does my story end? i'd like to think it hasnt yet begun, but it has. and therefore it must go on. its a horrible feeling, having to feel so empty inside, knowing that there is a hole to patch. i miss those times. now, everything feels so second-hand, so used, so done. it is my fault, i know. so many things always is. and i'll regret it always. knowledge like these can kill. it slowly eats away at my mind, and before i know it, i'm head over heels in this shit.

i tell stories, to make myself feel better. i tell stories because stories let me pretend. telling stories lets the mind wander away from this rather desolate location. and so i will tell stories.

i've got no more lies for you, no more mistakes, no more maybes, no more chances.

i dont wish i could forget. forgetting means i have to give up the happiness that i did once have. i dont want to forget and just have just another face in the crowd.

and suddenly, it just seems like its all about me. just count the number of Is and mes. but we all know, its never really about me.

for all the good that technology is worth, it has but one great downfall: LAG. i hate lag. i fucking hate lag so bad i want to murder someone everytime it happens. i am not a patient person. not when it comes to this. i can wait for great things. i can wait for the world to end, i can wait for the sky to fall, i can wait for muse to come to spore again, BUT I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY PAGE TO LOAD. it is freaking annoying having to press f5 10 times before the page starts to slowwwwwwly load. UGH.

so screw technology. when the laptop motherboard dies, when the desktop internet lags, when the sister hogs the only good piece of technology left in the house, I SAW SCREW TECHNOLOGY.

i need to deep think. i have a ki assignment to do, which i dont really feel like doing anymore. it'll prob only take me 15 mins, but still, its not as exciting as i thought it would be. i know what i shall do. i shall REFLECT. (why am i using so many caps today?!? and i am reaaaaaaly annoyed with the desktop. words cannot describe just how frustrated and angry i am right now. but i shall try anyway. my arms are tensed up, ready to hit something. my neck feels tense. my chest is slightly tight, and there is a great feeling of repressed violence in me right now. right now, i want to punch my sister into pulp. it is too much anger. stop.)

deep thought. deeeeeeeep thought. *thinks* i think i might have lost my ability to deep think. right now, i suspect i can only deep talk, but i cant deep think. this does not bode well for my future.

its really over.

it hasnt really sunk in yet. right now, things still feel kinda normal. i suspect its cos i havent actually stepped back into 24. tomorrow will be difficult. i know it will. going to school, realising that i dont have to spend hours in 24 again, realising that yes, i actually do have lessons to go for. realising that i can have a life again. realising that life does go on. and realising that it really REALLY is over.

am i sad? sad am i? i am sad? not yet. it hit me a little last night, while i was bumping out my stuff from day. for a moment, just sitting there alone surrounded by wires, silence and the cold of day, it did feel like the end. i felt a strange feeling of calmness, and it was nice. nice, but foreign at the same time. i dont think anyone really realises its over until it really is over. den it just suddenly hits you like a train. i think in the next week or so all the 'what ifs' and all the 'if onlys' will begin, but till then, i am relishing the moment.

yesterday was great. some parts kinda sucked. sam getting injured, my piece being shit, my groups being all random and weird, but overall it was good. i think the most important thing was the feeling of closure. it really did feel like it ended. someone put it very aptly, it was like our investiture. and it was a good way to end. the timing was right now, just after exams, just before everyone gets back to their normal lives. no need to revisit the past, no need to fear the future.

there is a strange contradiction to how i feel. on one hand, there is an extremely great feeling of relief, and yet on the other hand there is a whole lot of sadness. i'm very glad its all over, but of course some part of me wishes it never ends. as usual i am being longwinded again, as i always am, but wad the hell. lets try summing everything up in as little words as possible...

its really over.

if you ask me now, i can honestly tell you, it feels incredible...