making notice

hello.

this is the time where everyone starts thinking about life after jc, about uni, about ns and everything. it does scare me. i need to clear my life out, and start all over. start to think. i havent been thinking alot lately. surprisingly, i've been feeling alot. now its time to think. the matrix helped. it helped me get back into a groove of sorts. but still its not enough. watching a movie wont gift me 2 years of econs. i dont feel the pressure yet, and when i dont feel the pressure i wont ush myself. suddenly everything is coming back to get me. all those fears, all those insecurities, they are all threatening to overwhelm me.

sigh. i dont feel quite as smart anymore. my brain just refuses to work. i'm constantly tired. and this is no time for any more excuses. there can be no more excuses. excuses wont get me my As. i fear i am looking too far ahead. i'm already looking forward to ns, to uni, and i mean, i havent even started worrying about A levels.

i need to start making lists again. tom i shall make lists. i shall make many many many lists. i shall list everything i want, everything i could have, everything i dont want, everything. i shall make lists. many lists. one list to rule them all.