because the because.

because he aint happy enough with what he has. hell, he aint happy at all.
because he does not enjoy what he does.
because he cant seem to get any satisfaction out of anything he does.
because its not good enough, it may never be.
because he doesnt know if it'll make him happy, which is why he hopes.
because hope is dangerous, hope is flawed, hope is everywhere.
because he listens not to the voice of emotion, but the voice of reason.
because he is afraid that that voice of emotion is right.
because he has a past.
because he doesnt know if there's any future.
because he's afraid, weak, frail to the bone.
because life's tough, but we struggle on anyway.
because he has friends to laugh.
because he has friends who cry.
because he pretends like he does not care.
because he wants to forget, even though he knows he cant.
because he wants to run, farther, longer, faster.
because he wants to fall, so he can pick himself up.
because he left those scars to never heal.
because he forgot, wings dont make you fly.
because we all care, even if we dont want to.
because we all feel, even if we try not to.
because we all fall, even if we never jump.
because we all hope, even if we've forgotten how.

this kind of weather is beautiful. its like, natural aircon. you know what the sad part is? in singapore, we call it freak weather. in temperate countries, they call it spring.

in other news, Houston, we have a problem.

house is seriously awesome. i love the show. gosh.

what is it then. glory? passion? bitterness? maybe its because one does something that one's good at, not something that one likes. and people actually realise that. how i wish there was someone who could talk to me about this, someone who could think with me. so why then? we always ask that question, why. it helps us think, it helps us relax. fuck pop ups. why dont clinton/obama use pop up ads? that would be soooo effective. you know, it would be nice to be smart. to know that thought processes actually count for something. its much better than all this hypothetical bullshit and theoretical hogwash. there's no point in trying to understand something we cannot comprehend.

what am i doing? i am avoiding reality. look at it. i'm not even telling you what the time is, even if it is 12.08am right now. i dont see the point. time's a measure of something. what is that thing? of moments past? wrong. time is the measure of the number of ticks on the clock that is used to determine time. (its some atomic clock somewhere, i've forgotten the name and am too lazy to take out the article) so if time, what many consider natural, is in fact a measure of a man-made phenomena, what's stopping us from applying this same logic to everything else? at some point, nature becomes rather unnatural, doesnt it? Man suddenly have a role to play in everything. suddenly, instead of signs of God, you start seeing signs of Man. instead of the golden ratio, you start seeing golden "made in china" markings. its what the world is coming to, lets face it. at some point, all this building, all this growing, its all going to collapse on itself.

there are too many smart people on this earth right now. that's why governments are seeking out ways to support life on other planets. earth is over-infested with brains. and it very obviously is a problem, the same way the fucking pop ups are a problem. cheebye partypoker.com. at some point, all that brain is going to have to go through natural selection. well, it has done, but those were less developed brains. they were the monkeys, these are now the man. we are going to have a war of ideas. and the best part is, its all freaking stealth. no one's going to know. its all those little discreet missions and covert ops that is going to be the doom of mankind. facebook, google, ebay, skype, they all have the same function, even if they are disguised differently. yes, you think they are harmless, but let me assure you, they are not. they are planting the seeds of destruction. they are getting you ready for the war, making sure you're prepared to fight, prepared to contribute to the carnage, prepared to be part of the downfall.

and when all the dust has cleared, it'll be you and me left. and we shall rule the new born reality.

its pretty ridiculous, therefore its worth a shot.
i know i'm not alright, its always been this way.
from that day we sat on those steps,
breathing life away.
come away from the edge,
quit hurting yourself all the time.
step up on that pedestal,
halos and broken wings.
share this discipline, the cause we follow to win.

looks like it isnt looking too good for you.
all that crumbles, break apart.
drift away like continents, always too far.
but there's no use telling me,
believe in the crimes of humanity.
have you gone to far?
questioning the leaders,
dressed in all white,
going about our lives all through the nights.

face it, its not like we have a choice. sometimes life is just going to suck. its not like i want to make things so difficult all the time. in many ways, i think we're all simple people. things just complicate themselves for us so we have drama. stupid freaking drama.

fuck lah. i'm sick and tired of it. i really am. i dont know how it feels, i dont know what to say, i dont freaking know anything at all. all i know, its not enough. its too little too late.

fuck math. i am going to fail fucking h1 math, laugh out loud.

It's happening soon, it's happening soon, its scent has been blowing in my direction.
To me it is new, to me it is new, and it's not gonna change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

It's got to be here, it's gonna be there, its gonna be now or I'll lose for ever.
To me it is strange, this feeling is strange, but it's not going to change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

Accuse me,
Trust me, I never knew,
That you were the one, you were the one,
oooh.

And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you. You.

life hurts.

i've turned on the radio. singapore radio. things must be looking rather bleak. especially when they start playing the fray and avril freaking lavigne.

lets face it, there is no going back. chase it as we may, nothing can recreate those silent memories. i dont want to have to continue this way. love like the yellow thief. love her, love her and salute her. i'm driving myself up the wall. into the grave. whichever imagery suits best.

i cant express just how i feel. i can tell you what's happened, i can tell you how i react, i can tell you what i'm thinking. but i cant tell you how i feel. its hard, this emotion business. there's alot at stake isnt it? i realise, i cant just put it all aside. ok so maybe i can. well it depends. the music on the radio is annoying. maybe i want sympathy i know i wont get.

you know what, yes i can.

singaporeans are brilliant. you know the classic problem: tomayto or tomarto? well, we singaporeans have figured it out.

tomehto.

i lie all the time, even if its the only way to make them fake their smiles...

hello. i wonder if anyone hears this plea. but it is of no matter and consequence, all the fault still will remain mine.

hello there. can you hear me? will you spare one moment to witness this out pour?

gosh, this is incredibly stupid. yes, i know i am. shhh. shuttup. i'm trying very hard to cry here.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

bob. is. happy. is. bob.

for a long time now i've had this coming.

just think about it for a moment. some things must come, and then some things must go. there's no use holding on to the past is there? i mean, what's done cannot be undone, what wasn't done cannot now be done. everything, in some way, has its time and place. and once you let it out of your grasp, in many ways, its gone forever. there is no turning back, even if we keep looking back. there are some secrets you can just keep forever, even though it isnt really a secret. its more shortcoming, something you wouldnt want to admit to. your stupidity, your naivety, your mistake.

the real issue now is this: who do i want to be? i mean, sure i know what i can do, in some cases i know what i should do. do i then be myself? or be what i should be? how long more am i going to remain my selfish self, and hope that it'll pull me through? you know, i dont think i am what i was before. maybe its cos i used to have so much to hide. now what do i have? am come on, its j2 already. i'm 18, last year in vj. everythings going to end pretty damn soon you know. i hope that sharing session is still on, a12. we all need closure. i maybe more than all of you.

i think i am past unhappy or sad. i have entered the realms of being miserable. i hate what i'm doing, i hate so many things. i know what can make me happy, but i'm not doing/getting it. what does that make me? miserable. indeed it does. realistically, i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. in my dreams, i'll be doing what i want, what i enjoy, what i love. but i doubt anyone will let me chase that dream. my parents sure as hell wont. hell if anything, they'd be the ones trying to stop me.

there really is no use pretending this is some massive issue, some all-encompassing problem, when obviously its not...

there are no answers.
there isnt a way out, not yet.
i'm still learning.
even if i dont like it,
as much as i want to escape it,
i've fallen thus far.
through the clouds and onto the grass.
there are no answers.
all day i can wish upon falling stars,
watch the days run past,
and still i'll think of you.
no idea, never ever will.
there are no answers.
none, this riddle will forever baffle.
tease young men, play with their minds.
this night we shall change,
make amends for all the faults of our games.
but there are no answers.

happiness resides in those who seek nothing of the meaning to their existence.

sigh. valentines day once more. i dont want to be cynical. sometimes, its so depressing. the truth is, there isnt anyone left to talk to anymore...

groups has ended. at least for now. suddenly, things are going to have to go back to normal again. i dunno if i can deal. no more late nights, no more thaipan, no more dancing...

for some people its so easy you know.
all they have to do is be themselves.
and i dont know how they can do it,
just throwing such words around.
often, all i want to do is to lose myself.
find some way to stop those thoughts,
to just let go, all of it.
but its not easy, it never is.
life doesnt give you second chances,
you've got to work for them.
and sometimes, no one cares see.
no one wants to admit to being weak.
no one wants this curse that is defeat.

things have been so tiring. crazy. i have become crazy. or rather more crazy. and well, everything is speeding. suddenly there isnt time anymore. everyone's rushing to do so many things. too many things, too little time.

honestly, too many things to say, too little words to express just how i want to feel.

what a blissful 18th birthday =)

thanks you friends.

what does it say, when even using an exclamation mark in a sentence is difficult?

what really sucks, is having everything you ever wanted taken away from you.

without even a reason why.

i realise, my anger is very self-destructive. i think i need anger management. its been too long since i've had anyone to talk to. the actual period of actually being angry isnt long. its all the shit that comes after. it kills me from within. its just, i dont have anyway to get it out. especially now, when he has to be so fucking moronic to take my guitar away just cos of some fucking piano exam. it all makes no sense at all. how stupid can parents be? ugh. i really feel like ranting now, and just, you know, everything. but then, i dont. in some ways, i cant. i'm doing all this shit to myself anyway.

running around in circles all the time.
licking the salt in my paper cut wound.

gosh, january is over, just like that. it still feels strange being j2. its almost like it hasnt sunk in yet. i dont know when it will. but oh well, everything takes time i guess. you know what they say about time healing all wounds. in a way, i think its true. the question to ask is, just how long are you going to wait? we dont live forever, we dont heal forever. i suspect many people go through their lives with wounds that will never heal.

the thing is, most people dont care the way i do, i think. maybe i'm just anal, maybe i have some kind of complex, but i suppose the core of it is just a desire to be specific. trying to sort out the differences between 'can' and 'will'. the differences between 'must' and 'are'. its all about the phrasing, these questions... i mean, different questions ask for different answers. there is a difference between "can you do something?" vs "will you do something?". one does not necessarily lead to the other. i suppose people just assume that correlation.

i think the one thing i need to figure out is what i want. okay so it probably isnt that simple. its more like, among all the things that i want, what do i want most? i havent figured that out, and honestly i dont think i am anywhere close to figuring that out. and you know, i am turning 18 in 4 days. i should really get to figuring this out. i cant just get on in life not knowing what i want. i need a direction, i need a goal.

its hard wanting something you cant get.