the bastard gene

today, i have decided to blog a proper, possibly quite long, and hopefully mostly accurate and logical blog entry. of course assuming i dont end up going off some place else and never get this finished, as is the common occurence.

first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.

ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.

secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.

thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.

fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.

ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.

i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.

sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?

seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!

and yes i do possess the bastard gene.

YAYYYYYYYYY

omg omg omg my cast is GONE!!! i am like, ecstatic. altho my elbow still hurts but who fucking cares??

looking on hard, hoping that we can move on

i have been rather mood-less the past few days. its quite strange really.

and i really need to stop listenin to famous last words...

too bad son

its quite sad really. i mean, its the things that matter that always seem so difficult. i mean, i have had may things better than others, but the things that i really really want, i somehow never get. maybe its life's way of fucking with me u noe. give me the good stuff, deprive me of the great stuff. or am i jus being selfish? in a way i think i am. i mean, i have had a pretty gd life, compared to others. but still... haiz.

its just, i want some things so so so badly...

away from the sun

honestly, i duno. i really dont.
u can ask me a million times, but i'll never have an answer for you.

knn gg

well effing done. i am liked, the one armed retard right now.

fuck anything that is everything

i am in a bad mood. fucking hell. i want to kill someone right now. parents suck. seriously. i want to stab my mom sooooo badly, its not even funny anymore. everything's just so fucking screwed up. its not fair, it really isnt. here i am, trying to juggle my already very messed up life, and there they are further complicating things. i mean, i hate it so much right now. piano has just become something, meaningless and pointless. just sittign in front of the damn thing, i don even feel like playing the stuff i normally do. it just repulses me right now. so fuckign screwed up. fuck sia i am so going to fail the damn exams just for the hell of it. and i mean its a double edged sword. fail it and they can give me all kinds of shit, do this and that, say what i never work hard enough all that fucking bullshit. pass it and they'll give me the i told u so lecture. fuck them. fuck them.

i want to run away. really.

wah ah ah ah

i feel damn fucking stupid and retarded.

lost like tears in the rain

my skin is slowly but surely peeling away.

freaking wonderful

why must life be so goddamn fucking screwed up? i miss time. in general.

yes i think i might possibly maybe be stressing out. fucking hell.

bloodstone pingpong

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.

everyday is an eye-opening experience, whether we like it or not. sometimes, it hurts. sometimes, it makes us happier than we can possibly imagine. but we always learn. we must. i think its the only way we can really move it.

someone must comphrehend this pain.
come now, save me with your torturous beauty...

crossed hearts and dotted souls

it makes a lot of difference i have come to realise. whoever thought it could be this way.

i'm not sure if i like it this way.
maybe in awhile i might know.
suddenly, life seems so, busy.
everything's rushing by, time never seem to stop anymore.
and at the moment, its uncomfortable.
i spent the greater part of my past 2 yrs living in something of a slow-mo world.
everything passed slowly, dull, boring,
nothing.
and now suddenly everything seems to have burst into life.
when last time i looked for things to fill my time,
now i'm looking for time to fit my things.
its ironic, strange, weird, confusing.
sometimes i think that i need all the stupid stuff,
all the lame, irritating, meaningless stuff.
the irony of it all is that it still is, running away.
either way i look at it,
its somehow always amounts to the same thing.
i guess everyone has their own ways of dealing with things,
dealing with life.
some settle for getting by,
some settle for nothing less than the best.
either way, we're all still settling for something.

we're all living in a tv screen.
black, white, everything else in between.
in the end, it all doesnt matter.
making sense of ourselves equates to nothing.
afterall, we're just images on a damn tv screen.

and if she makes me smile, is it forever worthwhile?

the middle

it just takes some time

its been a long time coming. ironic as it is, its always been this, guarded. its been safe, too safe maybe. i guess once in awhile we just got to take a chance. lay everything on the line, whatever the consequences may be. afterall, thats what living the moment is about isnt it?

shit i am in deep shit. i've got so much to do, so little time. everthing suddenly seems to be closing in, becoming more real. i've got mono to worry about, sch work, missing production, jamming, floorball, so many other things. sometimes i wonder if i can take it. just what am i doing to myself? am i pushing myself just to see where i will break? is that what i really want?

i want to break free...

but you can never leave

i guess in a way its a good way to end it all.
one last expedition.
afterall, the past 2 yrs have been all about that, expeditions.
running here, running there,
chasing after stuff, etc etc.
in a way its a form of closure for me.
i mean, yes its strange, slightly weird,
but all in all, necessary.
so say hello to my goodbye.

often, i ask myself,
is it because i want to be like that?
am i seeking attention i know i cannot get?
or is it just, i dunno,
something comfortable i can slip into.
i think its more of the latter den the former.
its been a long time coming.
i cant say i've lost hope in the world and everything around me.
its more accurate to say i'm losing hope,
yet at the same time i'm still clinging on to some.
my life is a freaking paradox i swear.
so i suppose its just the way i am,
or rather the way i've become.
this mould, its become so comfortable,
so me.

did you ever care enough to ask,
whether those words meant enough for every two of us.
plodding along with this life so bare,
hoping that maybe someday,
someone could actually be there.
to make every circle seem so square,
change every shade of grey to blue.
but its a farce u see,
this whole, hope, thing.
those who bother must be those who really dare.

yep yep yep

yep. its changing. i know it. i can feel it. i can sense it. and somehow, i think so can they.

oooh

you dont have to say, cos its so, like, duh

ah hah! i am happy. and high. which is new.

whoopeedoo.

dont we all

in this world of make believe

we can ask why.
we can ask how.
we can ask when.
we cant ask who.

and so it begins

indeed, indeed.

hate.

yep. someone guess just how i feel. three guesses to get it right. one, two, three. now die. *gunshot*