the bastard gene

today, i have decided to blog a proper, possibly quite long, and hopefully mostly accurate and logical blog entry. of course assuming i dont end up going off some place else and never get this finished, as is the common occurence.

first of all, i am fucking screwed. like, seriously. i have an undone ki essay a month overdue, 3 months of math and econs to catch up, a healing fractured arm, a VERY unfit body, and i really dont know what else. ugh. so much for my resolution of being a hardworking student. i so desperately need to catch up on work, yet i dont have the time. its not that i dont have time per se, but like, i dont have days in which i can just like, u know, revise. i've got too many things to do. mon tues thur training. wed piano (-____-"""), fri nothing, but i end sch 5.30 -.-, sat and sun rehearsals. i mean, its one hell of a schedule. and i think i might possibly be stressing out. really. its quite freaky, but its not something i'll rule out just yet. and i havent even begun thinking about tsd and how screwed i really am.

ok rant over. ok actually not but thats not the point.

secondly. i am determined to change my fate. ok so that sounds all fluffy and shit. i am determined to change who i am so i do not become who i will be. yes that sounds better. ok what i really mean is that i hate who i am right now. you have no idea just how much i hate who i am. and who i am really springs from my parents, biologically speaking. so yes i do NOT want to turn into anything like my parents. i might not really have much choice, but with whatever i have and whatever i can change, i will. if theres only one thing that will drive me, i think its the fear that i will become like my father, and the desire NOT to become like him. i hate him so very much. and hence i hate myself so damn much. now, i'm already seeing so many things in him manifesting itself in me, and its fucking scaring me. i just, i really dont want to be like him.

thirdly, although i havent really finished my second point but nvm, thirdly, eqi and peer appraisal. till now, 48 hrs after getting back those stuff, i havent felt anything. shu and huimin say they feel sad for me, but the thing is, i dont. i dont feel sad that i have a pretty sucky self-esteem, and a pretty suck eq. ok not that i didnt noe i had pretty sucky self-esteem and eq, but like, i dont feel sad, or disappointed. i just feel, amused. i mean, it doesnt strike me as anything important. maybe not yet. and like the thing is, theres nothing totally unexpected. 2 plus yrs ago the report there was smthn unexpected, which is the introvertedness vs extrovertedness thing. at that point, i thought i was very extro, but the report said i was damn intro, right on the end of the scale. and now that i think about it, yes its true. but these reports they havent done anything to me. so i mean i really dont know. argh.

fourthly, i dunno. theres just so many things to talk about. or to think about. argh. ok ok i shall think.

ok fifthly. ok yes fifthly. ok i have decide that from now on, i shall try to be less whiney. ok no scrap that. actually i really dont know. everythings suddenly so overwhelming right now. i dont know where to start, if theres even anywhere to start. ok yes i know where i shall start.

i wish i could be happy. honestly. -flips open funky black book- yes i am jealous. jealous of people who are and can be happy. people like zara, nad, ethel, kelly, so many others, they all can (or at least seem to be able to) be happy. for me, its just so different. i mean, its not that i dont laugh or anything. its just everytime, it always seems so hollow. it just sort of fizzes out after awhile. and i hate it the way it never lasts. honestly, i'm not sure i've found something that will make me happy. i think music will, jamming and everything. but theres seemingly no time for it. i mean, right now my schedules are so screwed. and i mean its not just me, but it also requires other people, and i'm not sure they'd be willing to sacrifice other stuff to go jam and stuff. hm theatre. does it make me happy? so far, i cant say. i mean yes it does make me happy in some ways, but all the stress and worrying that comes with it, somehow it just doesnt feel right. then again i suppose if it did feel right and everything then there wouldnt really be a point, cos theatre is about pushing oneself. some parts of it at least. or so i believe at least. and i mean, i do want to be happy, but i'm finding it so difficult. i'm not happy with floorball, cos i'm missing so much training and everything, plus my fractured elbow. i'm not happy with school, because i'm just so behind with everything. i'm not happy with ALOT of things. i swear if i feel this way during lit trip i will just murder myself. seriously. i will somehow find a way to be happy. somehow.

sixly. i guess every once in awhile everyone would wish he or she could turn back time. and while we all know thats not possible, it doesnt mean we cant indulge the notion every once in awhile right? so i will. i mean its not a good thing, living or trying to live in the past, but sometimes we do look to the past, searching for answers or at least some means of dealing with the present. for me, the past was so much easier, simply because there were much fewer stuff to do. and i suppose its just suddenly happening. but ok enough of the present. i know what i have. i have a problem, maybe even fear of moving on. of letting go. somehow i just cant ever do it. i mean, for me i have happy memories, i believe i really do. and sometimes i just wish there was some way to just bring back those times. but i cant. i still remember times in pri sch where we could just do things without a care in the world. hell up to sec 2 i was a pretty damn optimist. i really did have a rather optimistic view of life. looking back it does seem very stupid, but at least back then i wasnt so...bogged down. sigh. who can turn back time, if time once gone never come back?

seventhly, i dont feel like doing a seventhly. so i shall end this rather crappy blog entry. ok wait i have a short point. i havent realised how real this wholemould thing was until now. and its freaking me out slightly. char save me!

and yes i do possess the bastard gene.