reflections

i still think i have lost touch.
am losing touch, have lost touch.
i suppose, there'll always be times we feel alone.
yet at times, we do feel loved.
i dont know, maybe i should just speak for myself.
personally, i find that i am quite a pessimistic person.
(like, haha wow revelation)
but yea i suppose there are times when,
i do feel like things are ok.
that things could actually be good.
its rare, but it does happen.
in a sense, i'm always waiting for it to happen.

its quite amazing, just like that 17 years have passed.
one grand year of jc life has whizzed by just like that.
its been different, very very different.
alot of the time was spent dealing, i think.
to just adapt to new situations, new people.
to realise that what once worked no longer does.
i couldnt treat people the same way i did in ip.
the people now, the people then,
they are so different, its beyond worlds apart.
and like i was telling ethel,
i really cant compare. it wouldnt be fair to either side.
honestly, both has its pros and cons.
but i must say its been a really happening year.
very different than ip, i must say.
for starters, i have a cca.
second, i didnt fail anything. (yes i'm serious, as hard to believe as that may sound)
third, i actually dont have that much time to burn.
last year was so bad, everyday i got home at 4,
and burnt my life away.
how loser-ish.
its just been so so different.

yet, while my life has changed,
i must (and always) ask myself:
have i?
its a difficult question.
i mean, some parts of me have changed, definitely.
but still, some of those not-so-pleasant traits still linger.
i mean yes i could argue that that makes me who i am,
but the obvious question is this:
do i want to be who i am?
actually, do i have the ability to change who i am?
the egoistic, proud side of me says yes.
yes, i am capable, yes it can be done.
but the more pessimistic self is somewhat resigned to the fate,
the fact that you cant change who you are.
where do i stand? i dont think anymore will ever know.
not till i myself figure myself out.

i think in many ways,
i'm learning how to fall on my own now.
its strange, to suddenly be pushed off a cliff,
and yet the safety net that was always there,
suddenly it isnt there anymore.
everything i thought was safe,
everything i believed i could count on,
suddenly its just falls away like leaves out of a window.
suddenly, i dont know anymore.
my world of monochrome suddenly turned a heavy shade of grey.

but, i think i'm moving on.
or at the very least, i'm learning to.