you dont know it shakes me deep inside

i have a problem. i have a problem looking into people's eyes. i dont know why (but of course, i actually do. i jus say i dont, cos thats wad i always do). its like, i cant look into people's eyes when i'm talking to them, and i suppose many people will take it that i'm eitehr rude, or uninterested or wad. the truth is, i jus find it really discomforting. yes there will always be the old cliche about the eyes being windows to the soul.

while that might be a stretch, i think the essence of that cliche is this: our eyes are where we are most vulnerable. we can manipulate how we act, we can manipulate how we talk, we can manipulate how we look, but i dont think we can actually manipulate our eyes. eyes give away alot. its easy to tell whether someone is lying. it actually really is. you can read it in their eyes, even if their faces tell no lies.

i think i am scared. i always get the feeling that, when i'm looking into someone's eyes while talking, its almost like they can read in to me. its almost as if they can see past just the words and the appearances. while in some ways i do wish that were the case, its scary. it really is. i mean, if i were a secure person, if i knew who i am, maybe i wouldnt be this bothered. but i'm still drifting around, here and there, not quite sure where.

and there are some looks, they have a way of making me feel really naked and vulnerable. and as a result, i will look away. it happens all the time, i know it. i mean, its easy to stare into senseless, unfeeling eyes, for there is nothing there to feel. but when there's all that emotion, all that tension, it becomes so different. suddenly, i cannot do it anymore. i dont like how it makes me feel. and in some ways, i dont think i can take it. theres so much there to be felt, to be perceived, to be understood, and some people just cannot deal.

some people are weak. like me.