seeking a correlation in life

sigh. this is so screwed up.
my life is a circular, cyclical mess.
and i think in a way its stopping me from moving on.
i might come to hate myself for this.
who's to say?

its scary, yet stupid, yet simple, yet irritating.
i mean, being me is so screwed up.

i dont think i've ever dealt with myself like that before.
dwelving into my fears,
trying to understand them,
to see how they affect the way i live.
and it does scare me.
i guess there are alot of things i'm afraid off.
is being afraid a natural human instinct?
do we then instinctively shut ourselves away?
i dont think i've ever taken my self apart,
broken my self down and put it all back together,
the way i have recently done.

i guess alot of everything that is,
its not really a matter of me believing in them.
its just i guess i've never experienced it,
or that i've had horrible experiences with it,
and it just makes me cynical.
and full of doubt.
it makes me judgemental.
and whilst its something i have come to live with,
i'm not sure how much longer i can survive this way.
if it carries on the way it is,
i'm not going to have very much left anymore.

i suppose there are many things i want.
many things i cannot have.
somehow i think who i am,
and who i think i am,
i think they are possibly very different people.

its stupid how i can keep asking questions,
questions i'm not sure i can answer,
i'm not sure i can find the answers.
all these questioning, doubting,
it affects the way i deal with things.
i judge things.
i dont think i exactly love to do it or what,
its just its become to natural, so
instinctive.
and it hurts.

i realise its all very self-sustaining.
everything seems to have a way of coming back to itself.
my life is a circular argument with no beginning or end.
and i dont know.
could i live without all these thoughts,
all these worries, all these issues?
why do i even bother?
i think its a way of seeking comfort.
i drown myself with my own thoughts,
so in a way i dont have to think.
i suppose i think about all these circular,
resolution-less stuff,
just so i can distract myself from the things that truly matter.
and just for that moment there,
i thought finally, maybe this could change it all.
but i suppose no, i was wrong.
life goes on.