to happy or not to happy?

the truth is,
i cant tell you the truth.
why?
because i even convince myself its true.
how then am i supposed to be able to tell you?
you can ask me all you want,
but the truth is,
i'm not hiding anything.
i'm just hiding from myself.
dont you see?
theres nothing to tell. at all.

haha. its all just so screwed up isnt it? i mean, i know i can, if i really try, but i doubt anyone will ever see it. i doubt anyone can accept me for anything other then who i am. this mould, this role, i've created for myself, and now its coming back to haunt me like it always has. i dont like it this way, but at least i feel safe. at least in some ways i can deal. lie and lie over and over again, until it becomes my truth. until it becomes the truth.

you know, its not that i dont want it.
its just, i'm not sure i can.
i'm not sure i can be anything other then who i am.
i'm afraid of judgement,
i'm afraid of rejection.

hur. i never thought char's script would be this...apt.

and in a sense its true.
i really cant help feeling this is all that i have.
this is all that will ever be.
i mean, no one really cares do they?
i think too much, i do too little.
its my way of torturing myself.
yet i od it all the same.
i guess sometimes i feel that i just dont have any other alternatives.

"i want to make sure that i do everything just right, because i dont want to look back and regret not having been more careful, or not having made a big enough effort. i just want to be happy."

i'm living on cliches.
so much so my life has turned into one.