estranged

i look back, and i realise,
hey, it all feels like a dream.
and maybe, maybe it is.
afterall, my life has always been about dreams.
dreams, nightmares, fantasies, premonitions,
everything.
the sad part is, i can never rmb them dreams.
its like they keep eluding me.
i can remember them in the weirdest times,
like when i'm bathing or shit,
but i can never rmb them when i wan to.
dats fucked up.
do u have any idea how sad it is to move on?
or rather, not to move on.
i'm constantly paralysed in my past,
trapped in photographs,
in letters, in diaries,
stuck.

its funny even, the way things change.
i guess they have to.
things all have a way of coming back to haunt you.
escape death, and it follows ure every step.
run away, and ure but running back towards the edge.
the degeneration of conversation,
its really very sad.
worse still that i till now, dont know why.
it all jus, happened.
and jus like that,
everything fell apart.
just. like. that.

maybe. my life's all about maybes.
maybe this maybe that,
maybe maybe maybe.
fuck maybe.
i wish it'll all just stop.
den again, its jus me.
i keep on screwing myself up,
i keep on letting myself and others down.
the worse part is,
i know it.
i know it'll happen,
i know i'm out to fail,
yet i do it nonetheless.
i'm setting myself up for failure,
i'm setting others up for disappointment and hurt.
why???

my life is a conflicting mess.
i want to be alone,
but i dont want to be left alone.
i want to know the truth,
but i cant stand hearing the truth.
i wan to succeed,
yet i'm more than happy to fail.
i wan to do so many things,
yet i only wan to eat and sleep.
i wan to be liked,
i wan to be hated.
i wan to fall apart,
yet i wish pple would hold me together.
u noe, i tink i deceive myself too much.
i'm deluding myself.
i'm blinded by my very eyes.

i like secrets.
i like living a lie.
i like hiding things.
i like running away.
i like deception.
i like discontinuity.
i like mysteries.

the truth hurts.
even if no one but yourself knows it.
in fact, it hurts even more.
it burns from the inside,
wanting to tear its way out into the open.
the effort just to restrain it,
it takes so much out of a person.
if u only knew,
i'm scared, you're scared,
we're all shitting in our pants.
yet no one says a word.
we're all too perfect.
theres so much we could bring to each other,
but no, no chance.
we're all too certain who we are is who we will be.
theres no changing that.

its been a long wait now,
and hopefully, its about to end.
or not.
maybe sometime from now,
the truth will be told once and for all.
maybe we wont be so afraid anymore.
maybe we'd have grown up,
moved on, overcome our mental inertia,
to allow things to happen jus as they do.
maybe it will somehow all work out.
u see, more maybes.
i sound like a baby.

i wonder what it'd be like if we only knew,
if we only gave that one more chance,
if we could only see,
how its really not like it seems to you and me.
theres so much to be had,
its crazy, but somehow,
its not.

its not over u noe.
it'll still go on.
its hard to change things so definite,
so certain.
i mean, the record speaks for itself.
you, are just like that.
its like, every keeps saying,
next time, next time.
i wonder how many more next times u'll have,
until u finally run out of time.
den everything comes crashing down over your head,
and u'll find,
that you're better off on ure own.
u need it. trust me.

all this nothingness is killing me.
i need to do something, anything.
well nto anything anything,
but something anything.
i need to preoccupy my mind,
to keep it from, i dunno,
murdering itself.
goin round and round in circles,
tracing line after line after line that dont exist,
u noe wad i mean.

nowadays,
i feel like i'm running out of things to say.
that, or i'm jus running out of energy to even say anything.
its pointless.
i laugh silently,
i smirk,
i roll my eyes,
i smile,
i tear,
i clench my fists,
but i keep silent.
its worth the torture i tink.

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep,
There's no way out,
This time I have really led myself astray...

mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooody

i'm so moody.
sigh.
i hate it how i'm so controlled by my moods,
as opposed to being in control of my moods.
or at least maintainin some form of order even with mood swings.
its one of the many things in life i have yet to master.

sometimes, i feel like i'm half of a person.
its like, i'm only being half of hu i really am.
its liek at certain times, in certain contexts,
i am a certain person.
and it all changes.
and i tink dats quite scary.
cos den i'm no one.

do u feel scared?
are u afraid?
will u fucking die for him?
is this the be all and end all?
i think these are questions we should constantly be asking ourselves.

nope my brain isnt working. i'm now mentally stoned, even if i'm physically still holdin up. fuck it. i'm off to sleep.

tears in heaven

wads better den walking alone, along a long straight path, at 3pm in the afternoon, with rain pouring down, listening to iris?

its doing the exact same thing, only at 12mn.

yes.

whilst i havent actually done that, i noe it'll jus be soooooo great.

u noe, my life feels like an unfilmed film.

there are so many filmy moments.

ha.

ha.

KI OR GP?!?!?!?!?

fuck i cant decide which to take. i'm scared that if i take ki i wont put in the work, which will really suck. it'll screw me up bad. but den again, i want to take ki, cos the subject interests me. its alot more interestin den gp imo. which brings me to gp. the thing about gp is that i guess its the safer option. but do i want a safer option? what if it becomes another sian subject, which would den result in me not putting in work, which will still screw my grades. i really dunno. am i willing to put in the effort? i mean, i say i am. i tell myself that if it interests me i'll put in effort. thing is, am i sure? no. of course not. now wad? and there is the elitist issue. all my life i've always been in these positions. tao nan gep, vsgep (especially), ip, and if i take ki, now ki. but i mean it won be an unfamiliar feeling. but thing is, would taking gp make me more 'normal'? would it mean i'm one with the rest? would taking ki make me elitist? and does ki really make me anymore elitist? i mean, i'm entering jc which the vip written all over me. isnt dat elitist enough? and most importantly, does all these elitist talk really matter? and also what about the ki students themselves. i'm guessing 1/3-1/2 of the ki pple will be from vip, which is good and bad, cos if i'm unlikely and get stuck with pple i dislike, gg to me man. its jus so gonna blow. and i don wan dat happening. and dang was saying how its possible to drop ki to gp, but i;m tinkin if its a risk i want to take. if i wan to do law, is it safer to take gp? will i necessarily score better in gp den ki? ARGH. damn they shld never have invented this ki thing. bleh. decision decision decision.

fuck you and fuck you too

i am pissed. fuck sia. my dad's a fucking big piece of shit. this is ridicufuckinlous. it really is. the hols are over, and since now he cant say fuck about me needin to study, now he goes on and on abotu how i'm obesessed and addicted to the fucking comp and guitar. i mean fuck that. its stupid. he somehow cannot accept the fact that i actually like and enjoy certain stuff. its sad. very sad. actually i'm not sure i'm pissed or anything. i'm jus...i dunno how to describe it. its like a cold kind of anger. or smthn like that. frozen fire. u noe. its damn fucked up lah. its like he is jus constantly trying to deprive me of anything i enjoy. use comp not happy, play guitar not happy, sleep late not happy, sleep early not happy, wake up late not happy, wake up early not happy, notin to do stone oso not happy. he is really jus damn screwed up. his whole life is about packing stuff and arranging stuff and packing and arranging mroe stuff. its lame lah. theres only so much u can pack and arrange. it comes to a point where theres nothing left to arrange.

sigh. i cant wait for army man. i really cant wait. ironically, its gonna be 2 yrs of freedom. 2 yrs of not having to care about being fucked up by ure own parents. i don care how much i suffer during army, knowing that i will. its better, considerin its worth it, wheras this? fuck this. it aint worth nothin but a whole bucket of pig shit.

i bother. u see, i do.
maybe that's why...

of better or better more

damn. i live for days like this man. wooo. i love the rain. lalalalala. if i were god, everyday would rain like a bitch. its jus so...comfortable. the natural aircon, the feeling of rain splashing onto ure face, winds blowing thru ure hair. in these kinds of weathers, i hate being at home. i totally hate it. i want to be out there, drowning in the rain, getting soaked right thru. i tink its somewhat therapeutic. zz therapeutic is a word i've been usin too often. but seriously. these kinds of weathers are best for sitting at the beach or in some open field. ok not sitting maybe lying down, jus relaxing, not having to think about anything. its so beautiful. and wads more everyone would be at home or in some sheltered place, so u literally have the whole world to ureself!! isnt dat jus wonderful? sigh. why am i at home. bloggin -.-

its time for us to say goodbye

i realised smthn today. i like briyani. its like soooo nice. haha. and i also like awards shows. i tink its cos u realise that as human as those pple are (esp athletes), they sometimes really arnt human. they mean so much more. its like how a team can represent a whole state. and also many a times, athletes inspire us. and i find it quite a joy to watch. take the steelers for example. they really are the true inspirational story. the came out of nowhere, had a bunch of rookies, somehow managed the best defence in the country, had a quarterback with the longest surname ever (O_O), and they win the superbowl. i mean wad can i say. i wish i were in those positions. to be part of something amazing. of course its wishful tinkin. it'll never happen. haha but i still tink about it. and its aa very attractive proposition. its like watching those great great soccer goals. it takes your breath away.

flattened with boredom

i'm a sucker for depressing music.
i dunno why, but its the most comforting type of music for me.
even more so den headbanging rock.
somehow.

i'm so in love with runaway train. i mean, the lyrics are depressingly wonderful.

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blow torch burnin
I was a key that could use a little turnin

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Chorus
Runaway train never goin back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And Everything seems cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

CHORUS

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little outta touch, little insane
Just easier than dealin with the pain

CHORUS

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
I runaway but it always seems the same

it jus doesnt get better then that, depressing songs.
and i'm not sure i understand my obsession with depressing music.
i'm not a depressed person,
i don tink i'm depressing,
so its queer.

i wish i could drown in your meaningless...

in a dearth

what is perfect?

its a really very interesting idea, that of perfection. i mean, its all relative isnt it? because of u take perfection to the the balance of say right and wrong, good and evil, then everythings perfect. if equilibrium is perfect, then everything is perfect. because everyone/thing is but a balance of many different things. so everyones perfect. i mean, reaaaally how do consider smthn perfect? jus because smthn is the best doesnt mean its perfect. so then wad can we define as perfect? smthn flawless? surely not.

i don noe. tell me somebody.

ok now i want an elec very very very badly. and a gd amp and possibly an effects pedal. shhh. don tell anyone. (!)

it really is the end the end

hm ok so i noe there are gonna be a mad flury of posts, about 2 yrs in ip and how its all over and shit. and i mean face it it is true. the 2 yrs is almost over. i tink prom will be the last time we'll be together as an ip batch, and i hope its a memorable one.

its been an eventful year end. and its slightly ironic how it all ends i tink. the so called pioneers of ip are technically leaving now, considerin we are gone (from ip), koh's gone, mrs chan's oso gone. and it kinds sucks.

i'm so looking forward to jc now. because as much fun as ip has been, it has also been painful in quite a few ways. and i guess a change of environment (sort of) will do me some good. its not like all the fucked up stuff will go away, but there will be new different ones. challeneges, as i see it.

i tink i might construct smthn for my own eoy. just to i dunno. ah but i do.

closure. i'm a person that requires closure. thats jus how it is.

i'm in love with the ordinary

i am contented.
i think thats the most accurate way to describe myself right now.
i'm not terribly happy with what i have,
i'm not terribly depressed over what i have,
and hence i am jus contented.

dont u just wish we could all live secret lives?
do things no one else would ever know?
i want to live a secret live.
it'll be liberating, yet at the same time thrilling,
much like spiderman.
dangerous, but funky.
and snogging in the rain upside down is a plus.
i want to live aa secret live.
i want to be able to know that i am safe,
safe form the probing eyes and ears of society,
free from lust love and glory.

its funny, how you strut around,
acting as if you knew what was goin on.
acting like you were so capable,
yet at the same time putting on that facade.
the emo kid, directionless in life,
never succeeding, always jus getting through.
its painful to watch,
and even more painful,
when you know that deep down inside,
there are things you are afraid to say.
afraid to tell others,
afraid what it might say of you.
and because of that,
i detest you.

i've learnt that once of the most impt things in life,
is to learn to live life as it is.
to deal with things thrown at you,
with courage, yet fear.
with determination, yet hesitation.
it is in this paradoxical aprroach,
this ambiguious lie,
that will see us through,
the depths of space and time.

caught in the middle of nowhere

i tink, that the music, is getting to my head.

some songs i seriously need to start listening less to:
runaway train - soul asylum
rebell yell (live acoutic) - billy idol (that sob)
memory (acoustic or not) - sugarcult
stay (acoustic) - cueshe' (the original rock version sucks compared to the acoustic one)
nothing compares 2 u - stereophonics
bed of roses (acoustic or not) - bon jovi
layla (acoustic) - eric clapton
nothing else matters (all versions) - metallica
warmness on the soul - avenged sevenfold

yes. for a variety of reasons, from the sheer uberness of the song to the sheer depressing nature of the song, i tink i should seriously get away from my music. its gonna cause me my sanity some day. i shld start listenin to like westlife and lindsay lohan and j-pop and shit. nah dat'll equally fuck with my brain, if not more so. if i'm gonna go crazy, i might as well do it the fun way =D

too sure, too many, too funny

zz. mrs chan is like leaving, and that sucks. cos she is ma really good principal. i cant stand the idea of the hci guy comin. its like >.> no more half days and all kinds of funny stuff. it'll really suck. man. i tink the moe is conspiring against us, cos our sch is too fun, so since mrs chan has to leave, they conveniently move the hci principal over. wtf.

and aniwae, yesterday on the mrt home i saw smthn very strange. there were this 3 pple, 2 guys 1 girl. one of the girls was quite pretty, the other girl wasnt, the guy was ugly. and in terms of dressing oso, cos the chio girl dressed quite nicely, with funky converses and all, the 2nd girl dressed ok, but wore slippers, the guy was like in a ugly blue plain t-shirt tge kind 60-yr old men at the market wear, shorts, and shoes with high socks. like O_O it was seriously weird to think the 3 of them were together in the same group. the 2 girls i would understand, but the guy? and aniwae wad was weird was that all the time in the mrt i was trying to somehow figure out what was the relationship btw the 3. cos at first when they got on at city hall the 2 girls sat down, the guy was standing. and den like the chio girl wasnt talking much, the other girl was tokin to the guy here and there, the guy was talking to the girl yet a few times he like sort of turned to the chio girl to like ask her if she was ok, cos she was like stoning and stuff. i mean of course i couldnt hear nuts cos i had my ipod on with memory playing or smthn. den after a few stops some person left so the guy sat down. so it was like |chio girl|not chio girl|guy|door|. den the 3 of them were like not toking. den a few times the guy would like lean over to the chio girl, but she daoed him a few times toked to him once.

i dunno. maybe its best i didnt noe. its best i dont know. beauty is afterall but a lie.

and i figured, if theres one song i must hear/sing before i die, it must be the victorian anthem. i rmb when we all sang it on fri, esp after hearing mrs chan was leaving, i could feel everyone singing. not jus hear, but actually feel. and it was a really different experience, cause i was having goosebumps, and yet i could feel something flowing inside and through me. it was scary even. its like some invisible bond was forged among everyone in the hall, just for those moments. and i mean, its special. and if i could die like that, i wouldnt mind at all.

i heard it through the walls...

fantasies of the demented soul

i tink i'm going crazy.
or i tink i mite be goin crazy.
or maybe i'm already fucking mental.

another lonely memory
i'm walking along this empty street,
all by myself, always all by myself.
the street is lit, but
just.
every step i take,
i can hear the soles of my feet,
crunching against the gravel beneath.
i look up, watch as the clouds drift past,
watch as the naked sky slowly disappear.
a cat crouches along the sidewalk,
its eyes watch me,
my eyes watch her,
motionless.
all around, i can feel
the world slowly dying.
and i know, in time,
i shall move as the world does.
closer and closer,
to...

sigh. theres so many things i want to do. but i'm jus soooo lazy. its like, i want to do smthn, but in the end i end up at the stupid comp, doin shit and wasting my life away. wonderful.

and i want to learn to smile.

drinking soya bean

this may never start,
we can fall apart,

i'm in that kind of mood again.
sigh.
i don even noe why.
and i tink thats the worst part about it.
i mean, normally if theres a good reason,
then its somewhat legitimate.
but its not.
which is why it sucks so much.
i'm jus being pissed with the small things.
pple saying this instead of this,
pple smiling a certain way,
pple being kaypoh about things i don give a fuck about.
its, stupid.

i need perspective.
i desperately need to see things differently.
i need a change of environment.
i need to do different stuff.
instead of wasting my life away at home in front of the com or tv.
i need to pick up a new hobby.
i need to excercise.
i need help.
my brain needs serious work.
i need new experiences.
i want to try new things.

in short, i need a life. badly.

i'll be your memory...

i need perspective.

i tink its a cool line.

aniwae, WHY DOESNT ANYONE SEE THAT MAKING OUT IN A GRAVEYARD IS COOL HOT DANGEROUS SPOOKY AND OUTRIGHT ROMANTIC?????

omg pple u are all demented in the head. seriously. no i'm not crazy. i know dat it'll be hot. wahahaha. all u sad souls who never make out in a graveyard before you die, i pity you. u don even get to make out it ure final place of rest... sigh.

from a cold steel rail

jus now on the way home i saw smthn dat really affected me. when i was walking into the condo the side gate there, there were these 2 small kids. kindergarden small. one guy one girl. den the grandma came and took the girl into the condo, she waved byebye to the boy, i walked past him into the condo, and the gate closed. and almost immediately smthn hit me. or many things hit me. not literally but mentally. first of all, the scene reminded me of when i was younger. innoncener. smaller. balder. point is, it reminded me of kong hwa. the times i had in kong hwa. and i realise, i've yet to find smthn that feels as good as p1-3 did. now that i tink about it, those were good times. and i guess theres really no chance of a similar experience. why? because i grew up. because every grew up. everyone changed. which den brings me to the 2nd thing dat hit me. it struck me dat it is only when we were all so young that u could be good friends with a girl and no one would say anything. its like in kindergarden everyone's sexless. i rmb even in p1 no one wanted to hold hands with a member of the opposite sex. i tink its quite sad, how pple degenerate like we do. and the 3rd thing that really struck me is that i realised why i disliked kids so much. yes all along i've hated kids, but now i got a good reason to, other den dat they are irritatin. it is because i'm jealous. i'm jealous of them fuckers. i'm jealous of their innocence, their ability to do things without having to consider the consequences. and i hate them so much because they remind me of everything i once had, everything that is now gone, and everything that i can never have again.

kids. i hate u. hurry and grow up and suffer like the rest of us.

because i care

another quiz. x hrs b4 my physics paper.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

done with my ipod:

How are you feeling today?
everytime we touch- cascada
O_O wtf??

Will you get far in life?
fade to black - disturbed (metallica cover)
oh no. so my lifes gonna like fade into nothingness. not that i didnt noe dat...

How do your friends see you?
take me out (acoustic) - franz ferdinand
so either pple all wanna hang out with me or they all wanna kill me. i'd say the latter.

Will you get married?
swing life away(acoustic) - rise against
um? so what i fuck up my life, married or not. great?

What is your best friend's theme song?
jump - the faders
HAHAHAHAHA.

How is your life like?
demolition lovers - mcr
oh fucking god no. this is so true in so many ways...

What was high school like?
one - metallica
depressingly wonderful?

How can you get ahead in life?
nothing else matters (acoustic) -metallica
ouch.

What is the best thing about your friends?
your own disaster - taking back sunday
ok dats like bad no? the best thing about my friends are dat they are my own disaster. woohoo.

What is in store for this weekend?
waiting - firelight.
LMAO. how fucking true. like omg results next wk.

What song describes you?
1000 words (piano) - eguchi matsueda
hahaha. yea yea. it takes a 1000 words to descrive me. wee.

To describe your grandparents?
dont cry - gnr
>.> dats bad. the song has connotations of death.

How is your life going?
dont look back in anger - oasis
lmao how true. esp considerin its the end of ip, and ip was a pretty angry time for me =D

What song will they play at your funeral?
stupify - disturbed.
fucking hell. i dont wanna die liddat :(

How does the world see you?
naive - the kooks
owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww....... true, but the truth always hurts.

Will you have a happy life?
everything burns - ben moody ft anastacia.
apparently, not.

What do your friends really think of you?
yellow - coldplay.
munjen? wad can i say... -.- but its still a rather depressing song, u noe the whole idea of everthing being monochromish. i dunno. wad does dat say about me o.0

How can I make myself happy?
revolution deathsquad - dragonforce
okaaaaay. so i can make myself happy by goin around killing everyone and taking over the world. smthn liddat.

What should you do with your life?
whats this life for (acoustic) - creed.
i shld ask and ask and ask wad the fuck i'm doin. this is not good.

Will you ever have children?
kiss and make up - funeral for a friend.
um, i suppose? wad divorce and marry again??

What/who do you miss most currently?
a moment like this - kelly clarkson
most definitely not. i will NOT miss studying for physics. although its a very fitting answer/song. cliche and all.

well accordin to this quiz my life does and will in the future positively suck. wonderful.
and actually i shld try this with my itunes. u noe wad i will. :D

quiz, using my itunes.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. Tag 10 people to play this game too.

How are you feeling today?
outta control (remix) - 50 cent ft. mobb depp
ok one O_O at mere presence of this song. 2 its actually quite true.

Will you get far in life?
priase you - fat boy slim.
so yes?

How do your friends see you?
are you alone - fireflight
yea i am.

Will you get married?
no sensitivity- jimmy eat world
um, i suppose not den. ok this is not sounding very good.

What is your best friend's theme song?
confession - theory of a deadman
um, i dunno. i don even noe wad the song sound like. ok so i've heard it its jus a rock rock song. not sure about lyrics.

How is your life like?
charlene - the suns.
O_O x 1000000000000000000000000

What was high school like?
we were kids - infinities end
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. we fucking were.

How can you get ahead in life?
melodies of life - ffix
this sounds very philosophical. wtf. i can hear the piano in my head already...

What is the best thing about your friends?
breakdown - breaking benjamin
wad best thing? ok 2 in 2 the best thing about my friends aint remotely a good thing. wtf.

What is in store for this weekend?
home - three days grace.
yay. haha. yes yes i shall be home rotting my ass away in front of the tv.

What song describes you?
mr brightside (rockstar supernova) - toby rand
yes, and no. the depressing sides of it i suppose, but the whole drag things, the girl thing, nah.

To describe your grandparents?
you keep me hangin on - the supremes
strangely, i tink its true. i like my grandparents very much.

How is your life going?
eyes wide open - goo goo dolls
how true. or at least i'm trying to live this way.

What song will they play at your funeral?
magic stick - 50 cent ft lil kim
WTF. NO NO NO I WILL NOT HAF HIP HOP PLAYING AT MY FUNERAL. MOST DEFINITELY NOT!!

How does the world see you?
awake - dashboard confessional.
yet another depressing song. yay me.

Will you have a happy life?
always - bon jovi
ALWAYS BABY =D but its a sad song :(

What do your friends really think of you?
if you leave me now - chicago
HAH. yea right.

How can I make myself happy?
faithfully - jouney
uhhhhh, huh?? i'm like suppose to have kids on the road... wtf.

What should you do with your life?
extra ordinary - better than ezra.
uh, right. i don even noe wad the song is like.

Will you ever have children?
big balls - acdc
=D

What/who do you miss most currently?
everlasting love - jamie cullum
the irony, the irony...

so happy jus to be me

i am so thankful i have peranakan blood. i am sooooo greatful and my grandparents are peranakans. cos or else i'd be missing out on some of the best food i know. i tink in singapore, peranakan food should and probab;y does rank as one of the better kinds of food. i really love peranakan food. haha. its like a feast every single time. i love it.

and best of all, the food is actually really nice ^^

whats left is right

thats how it always seems to me.
my life somehow is always on the extremes.
both extremes.
i dont have a normal life.
i wont have a normal life.
why? cos i cant make myself live a normal life.
its too...normal.
i'd much rather live it my way,
fuck it all up and in the end still say i live it my way,
den to jus live it the normal way.
its too lame.

and its also very funny.
how i'm living in self-denial,
yet being realistic at the same time.
its conflicting, yet its endearing.

do i like my life?
i cant say i do, i cant say i dont.
theres some parts of my life that are really wonderful.
theres some parts, lets just say they suck.
but dats the whole point aint it?
the balance of good and bad.

how i wish blitzball were a real sport.
its like the coolest sport ever.
and i'd own at it.

part of me died...

i haf found anythin i find weird. ok dat was a weird sentence. ok dats not my point is. my point is, i tink its quite queer how pple blog for pple. u noe. ok now here this may look like i'm bloggin for pple, but its diff. i used to. nowadays i don tink i do as much. but i dunno i jus read smthn about how someone "self-censors" becos of others readin his/her blog. i find dat quite weird, dumb and pointless. i mean, its like come on its ure blog. wadeva u write shld not be restricted by others. ok so maybe pple tink differently from me. ok pple DO tink differently from me. no maybe.

point is, especially if teachers read our blogs, the more we shld feel compelled to say exactly wad we want. so teachers if ure readin this: fuck u for making my life so terrible .|.

haha. haha. haha. i'm a serious bastard lah. so ego -.- and i cant help it mah. i blog for myself. its slightly compulsive. sometimes it helps me, sometimes its fucks me up, sometime it does notin. sometimes its jus a means of fillin in the little gaps in my life. hahahahahahaha.

we need to understand. u noe.

gah. its like, i'm gonna fail bio. no its not its like. i noe i'm goin to fail bio. i knew since wad, febuary 2005. woohoo.

i need to see other things.
i need perspective.
i want to know what its like out there.
i want to grasp more than i know i can.

bane of my life

fucking bio. fucking bio is fucking irritatin. geesh. i am now gonna attempt to remotely understand 2 yrs worth of asubject i haf yet to spend a full lesson payign attention to. really. bio is a fucking stupid subject. i mean, sorry to all the pple hu like/are good at the subject, its stupid. there is little pratical application lah wa lau. i mean, why the fuck do i want to noe wad mitosis and maeiosis is? its not like when i'm fuckin some chich next time and in the back of my mind i'll be like "oh my god my chromosomes are goin to fucking split and shit and blah blah blah". its dumb. and i cant stand the fact that if ms toh had actually followed thru on wad she said, i wouldnt even be writing this fucking post right now. wa lau. want to drop bio she said she'll 'speak to farah" and here i am on the verge, ok not on the verge but in the process of flunking bio. and of course this will have such a fucking positive effect on my already terrifically fabulous average. like oh my god i am so fucking happy. seriously i feel like jus burning all my bio notes, go and study chem and macbeth, and when i get 10/100 for the exam i can say i accidentally put my bio stuff into the toaster. or my dog ate it. or it grew wings and flew away. wadeva.

i tell u, my bio paper is gonna be one hell of a sight. for all the qns which i dunno how to do, which will of course be alot, i plan to write rubbish. like serious cocked up shit. jsu to kaobei them. hu cares if james koh or whoever comes and make noise at me. freedom of speech man.

three fucking lions my fucking ass

fuck it. mclaren is a fucking moron. and i am damn pissed.

seriously. i realise, mclaren is as pathetically fucked up as sven was. droppin beckham is the only decently smart thing he has done. seriously. he is a lousy tactician. there must be a reason he was only assistant manager at man u and manager at, -.-, middlesbrough. and he's jus like eriksson. he aint got the balls to drop players. lampard shldnt be playing, cos he's playing shit now. carrick shld haf been gone by half time, considerin he wasnt fucking doin nuts other den passin the ball 5 metres to the defenders. gerrard was pretty much shit and leaving the flank open, and he too shld haf been gone. wright-phillips shld fucking haf been on the whole time, jus based on wad he did in the fuckin 20 mins he was given. and downing was the best friggin midfielder on hte pitch tonite and of course he gets taken off. take of gerrard/lampard? in ure fucking dreams. the way its goin, singapore could fucking beat england. i'm serious.

i hope the fucking fa fucking sacks mclaren like next wk. argh. if they even gonna haf a chance to win anything, they need a much smarter, more capable manager hu has balls. they need a fucking foreigner.

scolaaaaariiiiiiiiiiii.................

O_O

this is possibly the weirdest conversation i've EVER had.

char. says:
i dreamt of my perfect guy last night, you know
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
O_O
wad was he like o.0
char. says:
hot
sweet
funny
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
no duh -.-
char. says:
smart
geeky
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
haha
char. says:
take scott
plus seth cohen
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
OOOHHHHHH SETH COHEN
!!!
char. says:
and a bit of goofyness
sigh
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
u haf good taste
char. says:
do you have cheap trick?
yes, thanks, i know
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
ure dream guy sounds like my dream guy :P
char. says:
eww no!
go away
MINE, okay?
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
oh and u noe cheap trick was featured in john tucker
char. says:
back off, bitch!
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
hahaha
we share
char. says:
yes i know
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
:D
char. says:
NO
fuck you! go away!
he's MINEEEEEEEEEEEEE
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
the scott guy was like singin i want u to want me it was hilarious
char. says:
yes
i know
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
i'll stab u den go fuck himn
char. says:
obliged to sing, right?
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
^^
char. says:
haha
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
hahahaha
char. says:
oh god
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
i was singin along to time after time
char. says:
now you're gay?!
and you're out to fuck MY boy?
strange is a guy droolin over a hot guy and a girl droolin over a hot lesbian kiss. WTF says:
if he is dat hot i don mind
this convo is soooooo goin on my blog
like now
char. says:
for the record, FUCK YOU, DESMOND!!

--

dat is one hell of a fucked up convo. but for the record, i'm not gay. not now at least. really.

wrong way on a one way track

gah. i need a ipod with more space. preferably a ipod video. bleh. my current 4 sad gbs means dat my ipod can contain a max of 800+ songs. this of course means that about 90+% of the songs are rock songs in some form or another. WTF. even when i shuffle my songs in the ipod i also almost always skip all the pop sings, which means i'm listenin to rock and more rock. anythin from acoustic to classic to alt to emo. gosh.

i need perspective. shivers

i'm so bored i can cry

haiz. i dunno why but suddenly playing the guitar alone feels weird. its like, somethings jus not rite. i tink char has put too many ideas into my head. grrr. why cant the a levels like end nexy wk or smthn........ blehhhhh.

lonely, i am so lonely. haha. mwadeva man.

i am pekchek

seriously i am pissed. after the exams i am gonna start on some serious running bleh. today play soccer wa lu run 10 mins tired liao, abit the fucked up lah. gah. and i'm also quite sad teh way i played today. it felt like i was a step behind everything. so screwed. on a brigther note, i scored a pretty nice goal :D haha. at least the shot was sweet.

zz badly deprived of movies little me went to watch john tucker today, and the scott guy aka the other tucker is fuckin hot. like omg. and the girl is also pretty chio, with the exception of her four pack which i found highly disturbin. seriously. girls should NOTNOTNOTNOTNOTNOT haf anythin more than one nice pack aka a nice flat stomach. anythin more is jus plain wrong.

haha. the scott guy is hot. if i were gay i'd go after him for sure. but den again, i'm not gay =D

dont panic

do you tink anyone cares?
do u tink anything u say matters?
no one really listens to anything u say.
no one trust u.
no one is gonna bother to understand u.
no one will bother to decipher wad u mean.

seriously, snap out of it.
everyone's moving on around u.
why must it be u hus stuck in the trenches of ure history?

and i have come to realise this: i cant not care.
laugh. ok now dat ure done laughing, its true.
sadly, its not smthn i like or want.
but regardless, nothing changes the fact that i am affected.

ure a joke.
pple are laughing at you.
everyone's so far away.

i'm sick. like disturbed sick. mentally whacked.
or maybe. i'm obsessed.
no. i'm deprived.
yes dats prob it.

she's drilling holes in my head.
she's making me squirm in my dreams.
she's holding on to my breath.
she's haunts my every waking moment.
is she all that i have?

when the good bad and ugly all become the same damn thing

i am slightly surprised it took me this long to realise this, but now i've realised, when ure feeling like shit, the worst thing u could do, is to try to be happy. really. i mean, lets face it. whatever u do, when ure feeling like shit, ure feeling like shit. nothing u do is gonna change that. and trying to be happy, that makes it worse init? i mean, u try and try, yet u won succeed. dat sucks. and whilst tinkin about good times will help, too much of it will also make u feel even worse. or so i believe. i tink the best way is to jus drown in the frustration and anger and depression and everything. yea really. like go listen to depressing music, watch depressing tv, do depressing things, talk depressingly, do everything with that little bit more edge. i tink thats the way to get over it the best. its like rubbing salt into a wound. it'll hurt like fuck, but it'll get better faster. i've done it before, it sorta worked. den again, i tink its best not to trust me.

i'm not sad. i really aint.
even if i may look it, i'm not.
i'm jus...not happy.
theres nothing much to be happy about.
i'm jus trying my best not to feel much.
maybe its better of this way.
to have nothing,
den to haf something den throw it away.

lala. i don even noe why i do things sometimes.
ok not sometimes.
most times.

the quest to fail maths

yay i shall kop a quiz thing.

The rules:
Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italicise the statements that you WISH are true.
Leave the fibs alone.

I miss somebody right now.
I don't watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I've tried marijuana.
I've been in a threesome.
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
I believe that honesty is usually the best policy.
I curse.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I'm TOTALLY smart.
I've broken someone's bones.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe , free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have long hair. (gor a guy)
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I'm currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.
I enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don't hate anyone.
I'm a pretty good dancer.
I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I've called the cops on a friend before.
I'm not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.
I am shy around the opposite sex.
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past. (?)
I own the "South Park" movie.
I would die for my best friends.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I'm obsessed with guys.
I study for tests most of the time.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald's restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
I went to college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I somehow enjoyed this thingy!!!
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake's slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I've ever written in.
I can't stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I have jazz in my blood.
I wear a toe ring.
I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

what does all these mean? it means that i'm gonna fucking fail the maths paper tom. yay me