from a cold steel rail

jus now on the way home i saw smthn dat really affected me. when i was walking into the condo the side gate there, there were these 2 small kids. kindergarden small. one guy one girl. den the grandma came and took the girl into the condo, she waved byebye to the boy, i walked past him into the condo, and the gate closed. and almost immediately smthn hit me. or many things hit me. not literally but mentally. first of all, the scene reminded me of when i was younger. innoncener. smaller. balder. point is, it reminded me of kong hwa. the times i had in kong hwa. and i realise, i've yet to find smthn that feels as good as p1-3 did. now that i tink about it, those were good times. and i guess theres really no chance of a similar experience. why? because i grew up. because every grew up. everyone changed. which den brings me to the 2nd thing dat hit me. it struck me dat it is only when we were all so young that u could be good friends with a girl and no one would say anything. its like in kindergarden everyone's sexless. i rmb even in p1 no one wanted to hold hands with a member of the opposite sex. i tink its quite sad, how pple degenerate like we do. and the 3rd thing that really struck me is that i realised why i disliked kids so much. yes all along i've hated kids, but now i got a good reason to, other den dat they are irritatin. it is because i'm jealous. i'm jealous of them fuckers. i'm jealous of their innocence, their ability to do things without having to consider the consequences. and i hate them so much because they remind me of everything i once had, everything that is now gone, and everything that i can never have again.

kids. i hate u. hurry and grow up and suffer like the rest of us.