estranged

i look back, and i realise,
hey, it all feels like a dream.
and maybe, maybe it is.
afterall, my life has always been about dreams.
dreams, nightmares, fantasies, premonitions,
everything.
the sad part is, i can never rmb them dreams.
its like they keep eluding me.
i can remember them in the weirdest times,
like when i'm bathing or shit,
but i can never rmb them when i wan to.
dats fucked up.
do u have any idea how sad it is to move on?
or rather, not to move on.
i'm constantly paralysed in my past,
trapped in photographs,
in letters, in diaries,
stuck.

its funny even, the way things change.
i guess they have to.
things all have a way of coming back to haunt you.
escape death, and it follows ure every step.
run away, and ure but running back towards the edge.
the degeneration of conversation,
its really very sad.
worse still that i till now, dont know why.
it all jus, happened.
and jus like that,
everything fell apart.
just. like. that.

maybe. my life's all about maybes.
maybe this maybe that,
maybe maybe maybe.
fuck maybe.
i wish it'll all just stop.
den again, its jus me.
i keep on screwing myself up,
i keep on letting myself and others down.
the worse part is,
i know it.
i know it'll happen,
i know i'm out to fail,
yet i do it nonetheless.
i'm setting myself up for failure,
i'm setting others up for disappointment and hurt.
why???

my life is a conflicting mess.
i want to be alone,
but i dont want to be left alone.
i want to know the truth,
but i cant stand hearing the truth.
i wan to succeed,
yet i'm more than happy to fail.
i wan to do so many things,
yet i only wan to eat and sleep.
i wan to be liked,
i wan to be hated.
i wan to fall apart,
yet i wish pple would hold me together.
u noe, i tink i deceive myself too much.
i'm deluding myself.
i'm blinded by my very eyes.

i like secrets.
i like living a lie.
i like hiding things.
i like running away.
i like deception.
i like discontinuity.
i like mysteries.

the truth hurts.
even if no one but yourself knows it.
in fact, it hurts even more.
it burns from the inside,
wanting to tear its way out into the open.
the effort just to restrain it,
it takes so much out of a person.
if u only knew,
i'm scared, you're scared,
we're all shitting in our pants.
yet no one says a word.
we're all too perfect.
theres so much we could bring to each other,
but no, no chance.
we're all too certain who we are is who we will be.
theres no changing that.

its been a long wait now,
and hopefully, its about to end.
or not.
maybe sometime from now,
the truth will be told once and for all.
maybe we wont be so afraid anymore.
maybe we'd have grown up,
moved on, overcome our mental inertia,
to allow things to happen jus as they do.
maybe it will somehow all work out.
u see, more maybes.
i sound like a baby.

i wonder what it'd be like if we only knew,
if we only gave that one more chance,
if we could only see,
how its really not like it seems to you and me.
theres so much to be had,
its crazy, but somehow,
its not.

its not over u noe.
it'll still go on.
its hard to change things so definite,
so certain.
i mean, the record speaks for itself.
you, are just like that.
its like, every keeps saying,
next time, next time.
i wonder how many more next times u'll have,
until u finally run out of time.
den everything comes crashing down over your head,
and u'll find,
that you're better off on ure own.
u need it. trust me.

all this nothingness is killing me.
i need to do something, anything.
well nto anything anything,
but something anything.
i need to preoccupy my mind,
to keep it from, i dunno,
murdering itself.
goin round and round in circles,
tracing line after line after line that dont exist,
u noe wad i mean.

nowadays,
i feel like i'm running out of things to say.
that, or i'm jus running out of energy to even say anything.
its pointless.
i laugh silently,
i smirk,
i roll my eyes,
i smile,
i tear,
i clench my fists,
but i keep silent.
its worth the torture i tink.

It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep,
There's no way out,
This time I have really led myself astray...