when enough is not enough

today has been painful. the buzzing in my ear has really gotten to me now. i dont know if buzzing is the right word. its shrilly, but i dont think shrilling is a word. its difficult to put into words how it feels, because it isnt pain in the normal sense of the word pain. it frustrates me, and it grates against my heart. i cant even listen to my music now. 

also, today i took a shot in the jaw. it hurt, and it still does abit. 

also, today i studied so little, i might as well not have studied at all. (of course the justification in that statement is so bad. studying a little is infinitely better than studying nothing at all. 1 is infinitely greater than 0.)

today i was talking to some friends about the mj match, and i realise that i'm still not over it. i still cant put it behind me. its the feeling of regret and disappointment, knowing that we were so close, and yet so far. nothing went our way, and yet we were still that close to winning. it hurts also because of the effort that i knew i gave, the effort that we knew we all gave. i dont want to complain that its no fair, because life never is. i think the pain still lingers because i've never really tasted victory. not after such a long time of hard work and training. that semifinal was our final, but it wasnt to be. i dont know if i should blame myself for making a mistake right at the very death. every time i think about it i say its my fault, but i know at some point i need to let it go. to realise that its happened, and i cant change what has happened. there is no reshaping the past that is ingrained in the sands of time. but it still is a real pity.