life before today:

labels stick.

maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.


(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

i cannot stand it. i was poetic once before. and look at me now.

have you suffered the depths of sadness,
so you can rise up once more?
have you boiled in your own pain,
to shed your old skin?
have you slept with a broken hard,
and wake up crying in the dark?
have you ran till you dropped,
hurt your knees and puked alot?

this has left me so drained and defeated,
so much so that i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant say i dont care, i still do,
but something just isnt like it was before.

i honestly dont know what to do with myself right now. i'm in a really deep shithole, and i cant seem to get myself out of it. you know, its not always been this way. i think for very long i've been in a funk of sorts. now all these shitty emotions and feelings are coming back to destroy me again. it happened once before and its happening again. i can feel it, and i dont know how i can stop it. sometimes, i'm just lost for words. i honestly dont know what to say, because i know that whatever i say is the wrong thing to say. so i'm better off not saying anything at all. but this is the worst choice to make, much like bosola. i think that's the importance of choice. its not about having choice, its about making choices, and dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. having choices but not making a choice at all is the stupidest thing to do, because it leaves you with nothing. it leads you nowhere. it is an endless cycle of despair.

i cant make choices. i thought i could, i thought i can now, but some part of me is still telling me i cant. that's what makes me weak. its the reason i can admire people even if i dont like them or approve of what they do. at least they have made their choice, and are standing by those choices, or dealing with those choices.

i feel very left out of life right now.

i cant even think right now. my mind is just, i dunno, destroying itself. committing mental suicide. i feel like a shadow of the person i thought i was. i feel like telling descarte to take his philosophy and shove it up his fucking ass right now. i think therefore i am. i dont think, therefore i am not. i think i am in despair, therefore i am in despair. fuck descartes. (for all i know i might be mistaken, it might not have been descartes after all. but i think its him)

i am not feeling angry. i am not even feeling sad. i'm feeling something i dont want to admit i'm feeling. yes.

the paradox is as follows:

A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one day in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.

Having reflected on his sentence, the prisoner draws the conclusion that he will escape from the hanging. His reasoning is in several parts. He begins by concluding that if the hanging were on Friday then it would not be a surprise, since he would know by Thursday night that he was to be hanged the following day, as it would be the only day left (in that week). Since the judge's sentence stipulated that the hanging would be a surprise to him, he concludes it cannot occur on Friday.

He then reasons that the hanging cannot be on Thursday either, because that day would also not be a surprise. On Wednesday night he would know that, with two days left (one of which he already knows cannot be execution day), the hanging should be expected on the following day.

By similar reasoning he concludes that the hanging can also not occur on Wednesday, Tuesday or Monday. Joyfully he retires to his cell confident that the hanging will not occur at all.

The next week, the executioner knocks on the prisoner's door at noon on Wednesday — an utter surprise to him. Everything the judge said has come true.

my reasoning is this: assuming that the prisoner has reasoned out that he cannot be hanged, him being hanged on any given day would be a surprise. it might then be argued that the purpose of judge telling the prisoner that his hanging day would be a mystery is to induce this false sense of safety in the prisoner, so as to justify the hanging being a surprise. if the prisoner is paranoid, he would think that every day might be the day he dies, then there wouldnt be any surprise anymore. hence i would argue that the purpose of the judge telling the prisoner it would be a surprise is to heighten his expectation of reprieve and hence increase the level of surprise when he eventually is hanged. this follows from the knowledge that the prisoner is damned and there is no way the hanging will not take place. in other words, the prisoner has come to a false conclusion that contradicts prior knowledge of the fact that he is condemned to be hanged.

which means he is an idiot.

last night i had a very nice dream.

this morning, i had a very brilliant thought.

right now, i'm in a whole load of shit.

stranded on this runaway train...

i guess every once in awhile, i have those moments, where nothing seems right. everything suddenly becomes that much more bleak, that much more meaningless.

i think i'm comfortable in the knowledge that my mind is whirring. i'm comfortable in the knowledge of knowledge, if you like. but i guess its not really knowledge, more like musings and thoughts. i much rather myself be thinking about 5 things at once than nothing at all. the worst of all would be to think of one thing and only one thing. that leaves me depressed.

best of all is to remove all thinking. that's what computer games are for.

warnings. warnings.

i have failed to understand myself. i think we're all losing sight of what really matters. there is a need to look beyond the talk. everyone talks, everyone can fill the air with sounds, pretending like it all means something.

nothing makes me special. i guess i cant accept people being different from how i perceive people should be. i think everyone has expectations of the world, of how it should behave, of how things should be. but there's no way all those expectations can be met. what gives me the right to judge people? there is a balance in life after all. for everything that i do not say, someone else will be talking away, signifying nothing. some people just have to talk. for every patient person there must be someone high-strung. for every sensitive person there must be someone with no tact. life is fair after all, i guess. so i shall not complain that life in unfair. i think its funny how i can always rationalise my emotional state of mind, in something greater than myself. it absolves me of the need to feel, the need to involve myself in the things i do. its time for something more, even if i cant do it. its time for change. its time for chance. and maybe hope. possibly happiness. definitely, a better tomorrow.

today i met two narrow-minded ah bengs.

me, sits at bus stop.
me bicycle is placed to the side of bus stop, about 2 metres away.
ah bengs stand about a metre away from me.
ah bengs are stupid.
ah bengs look at bike.
ah beng 1 to ah beng 2: "woh. who's bike is that. mutter mutter mutter"
ah beng 2: "i dunno. but eh, can take the brakes ah. (i didnt catch the rest of their convo)
me stands up and goes to bike.
ah bengs O_O

my dreams are bothering me too much. i suspect to a point i'm left with nothing else.

this morning i had an extremely traumatic experience. i was lying in bed, having quite a bad dream. i woke up suddenly, and my sister runs across my room door singing 'WE ARE SINGAPORE, WE ARE SINGAPORE..." at the top of her voice.

i understand now, i dont have nightmares. i just have bad dreams. and in all honesty, they are significantly worse and more painful than nightmares.

i went back to sleep, and had more bad dreams.

and i'm counting down the days.

you know there i'm slowly dying inside,
every moment she's not here preying on my mind.

i lost all madness chasing after you.
it was never a gift for two.

and he said: "i lied."

hello.

this is the time where everyone starts thinking about life after jc, about uni, about ns and everything. it does scare me. i need to clear my life out, and start all over. start to think. i havent been thinking alot lately. surprisingly, i've been feeling alot. now its time to think. the matrix helped. it helped me get back into a groove of sorts. but still its not enough. watching a movie wont gift me 2 years of econs. i dont feel the pressure yet, and when i dont feel the pressure i wont ush myself. suddenly everything is coming back to get me. all those fears, all those insecurities, they are all threatening to overwhelm me.

sigh. i dont feel quite as smart anymore. my brain just refuses to work. i'm constantly tired. and this is no time for any more excuses. there can be no more excuses. excuses wont get me my As. i fear i am looking too far ahead. i'm already looking forward to ns, to uni, and i mean, i havent even started worrying about A levels.

i need to start making lists again. tom i shall make lists. i shall make many many many lists. i shall list everything i want, everything i could have, everything i dont want, everything. i shall make lists. many lists. one list to rule them all.

life, the contradiction i rather do without.

its easy to get lost, especially since i was blind and never wanted to say goodbye.

so i ask myself over and over again,
how often more will i suffer my own shame?
its irrational, its intentional,
ultimately, its my fault, my blame.
i'm a pinball, taking my time to slowly fall.

there's nothing like a slow night to destroy the silence.

its over. dats all there is to it. the pain will hit me some time later.

post 800:

it hurts. 2 years, and it comes down to bad refereeing. i'm not sure how much more we could do. we gave it everything, but it seems it really isnt meant to be. we fought and we fought and we fought. it just came down to horrible refereeing, and one mistake. how sad, that two years it just comes down to that.

on hindsight, this may be the match we found ourselves. this was the match we prove to ourselves we could be the best. this was the match of missed chances. but right now, i'm just hurting.

THIS IS IT.

2 more posts after this and i hit 800.

so i'm feeling weird. its not really sadness. its a mix of regret, disappointment and frustration. we need new words for such complex emotions.

life is very different, although i'm not sure everyone sees it. sometimes, i am too quick to judge. in my mind, judgement is everything. its not a negative nor positive thing. it is neccessary, and it happens. it establishes a relationship that otherwise would be farcical.

what's worse? having friends and feeling lonely, or not having friends and feeling lonely?

how long can i pretend that its not there.

i am going to sleep in 15 mins. in the mean time, i shall pretend to be interesting. HELLO!!! hahahahahahahahaha. i am like, so totally interesting right. i want to be king, i want to be king, i want to be king! burger king burger king burger king!

like, TOTALLY.

so yes, i admit it might be a little wrong, but isnt everyone entitled to think out of the box once in awhile? so yesterday, i thought outside of the box. i stayed up till 2am playing a stupid computer game. how out of the box is that! in this age of non-conformity, sometimes thinking outside of the box is the stupidest thing a person could do.

crazy, but absolutely lovely...

OMG DIABLO III

i dont want to complain again. i should stop complaining all the time, and do something about the pain.

its everywhere. it really is everywhere. and somehow, it almost seems too easy. it cant be. or maybe i'm just not simple enough.

a dead rose is an interesting sight.

quietly, she stood there, waiting for a sign. it was pouring now. the skies have changed, the drains were flooding, but inside her it remained still. she could wait.

staring from a distance its easy to judge, the silly little girl standing in the rain, refusing to budge.

yes, she had her umbrella, we all do. it was yellow in colour, but it hardly kept her dry. but still she persisted, still she waited. for she had to, for she wanted to.

its like telling a story. it always is. we search for fairytale endings to escape this misery, endings that give us hope. endings that matter to us. endings are important. they give us reason to press on with the story, to deal with the twists and turns and to never give up.

so maybe this is the story i'm trying to tell, even if no one will listen. we all have stories. some have fairytale endings, others dont. not everyone is lucky enough to make it all the time. but we all have stories. we're made up of stories. stories to cover up our mistakes, stories to glorify our achievements.

honestly, what can i do? i'm helpless.

how does my story end? i'd like to think it hasnt yet begun, but it has. and therefore it must go on. its a horrible feeling, having to feel so empty inside, knowing that there is a hole to patch. i miss those times. now, everything feels so second-hand, so used, so done. it is my fault, i know. so many things always is. and i'll regret it always. knowledge like these can kill. it slowly eats away at my mind, and before i know it, i'm head over heels in this shit.

i tell stories, to make myself feel better. i tell stories because stories let me pretend. telling stories lets the mind wander away from this rather desolate location. and so i will tell stories.

i've got no more lies for you, no more mistakes, no more maybes, no more chances.

i dont wish i could forget. forgetting means i have to give up the happiness that i did once have. i dont want to forget and just have just another face in the crowd.

and suddenly, it just seems like its all about me. just count the number of Is and mes. but we all know, its never really about me.

for all the good that technology is worth, it has but one great downfall: LAG. i hate lag. i fucking hate lag so bad i want to murder someone everytime it happens. i am not a patient person. not when it comes to this. i can wait for great things. i can wait for the world to end, i can wait for the sky to fall, i can wait for muse to come to spore again, BUT I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY PAGE TO LOAD. it is freaking annoying having to press f5 10 times before the page starts to slowwwwwwly load. UGH.

so screw technology. when the laptop motherboard dies, when the desktop internet lags, when the sister hogs the only good piece of technology left in the house, I SAW SCREW TECHNOLOGY.

i need to deep think. i have a ki assignment to do, which i dont really feel like doing anymore. it'll prob only take me 15 mins, but still, its not as exciting as i thought it would be. i know what i shall do. i shall REFLECT. (why am i using so many caps today?!? and i am reaaaaaaly annoyed with the desktop. words cannot describe just how frustrated and angry i am right now. but i shall try anyway. my arms are tensed up, ready to hit something. my neck feels tense. my chest is slightly tight, and there is a great feeling of repressed violence in me right now. right now, i want to punch my sister into pulp. it is too much anger. stop.)

deep thought. deeeeeeeep thought. *thinks* i think i might have lost my ability to deep think. right now, i suspect i can only deep talk, but i cant deep think. this does not bode well for my future.

its really over.

it hasnt really sunk in yet. right now, things still feel kinda normal. i suspect its cos i havent actually stepped back into 24. tomorrow will be difficult. i know it will. going to school, realising that i dont have to spend hours in 24 again, realising that yes, i actually do have lessons to go for. realising that i can have a life again. realising that life does go on. and realising that it really REALLY is over.

am i sad? sad am i? i am sad? not yet. it hit me a little last night, while i was bumping out my stuff from day. for a moment, just sitting there alone surrounded by wires, silence and the cold of day, it did feel like the end. i felt a strange feeling of calmness, and it was nice. nice, but foreign at the same time. i dont think anyone really realises its over until it really is over. den it just suddenly hits you like a train. i think in the next week or so all the 'what ifs' and all the 'if onlys' will begin, but till then, i am relishing the moment.

yesterday was great. some parts kinda sucked. sam getting injured, my piece being shit, my groups being all random and weird, but overall it was good. i think the most important thing was the feeling of closure. it really did feel like it ended. someone put it very aptly, it was like our investiture. and it was a good way to end. the timing was right now, just after exams, just before everyone gets back to their normal lives. no need to revisit the past, no need to fear the future.

there is a strange contradiction to how i feel. on one hand, there is an extremely great feeling of relief, and yet on the other hand there is a whole lot of sadness. i'm very glad its all over, but of course some part of me wishes it never ends. as usual i am being longwinded again, as i always am, but wad the hell. lets try summing everything up in as little words as possible...

its really over.

if you ask me now, i can honestly tell you, it feels incredible...

its 2 days before groups, 3 days before IS, and i'm not that scared yet. this is scary. tonight, i know i am going to be so damn fucking freaked out. its not quite dawned on me the magnitude of this.

OH GOD.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

really, muse is awesome. i want to be matt bellamy. i wish i was as cool and interesting as him. (not to mention musically gifted) unintended must lyrically be one of the best songs written ever. the beauty of it lies in its simplicity i guess, and its so much more apparent as compared to the complexity of other muse songs. today one advert (for sarah connor chronicles) used paranoid android, i was like wah? since when channel 5 learn to use cool music?

i'm so tired, so much so i cant think anymore. i just want to run away.

its all deserting me now. somehow, i think it always does. as it gets closer and closer, i move further and further from where i want to be. i've forgotten the chance to be me.

as shu puts it quite aptly, life is bleak.

it is sometimes possible to be just about satisfied...

i forgot i forgot i forgot what i wanted to say.
questions, questioning this endless array.
fight, even when the battles are far too long.
fight, because thats your one chance to break away.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(ideology)

i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.

its easy to be lively when you are happy.

people arnt good or bad by nature. however, i think there is such a thing as nice people by nature. its not easy, its not common. but it happens occasionally. you just cant become nice, like really become nice. yes, you can pretend to be nice, but i think its like what jireh said in slots yesterday. your relationship with other people the the product of your relationship with yourself. if you arnt naturally a nice person, how can you be nice to others? yes, of course its possible to pretend. we all do. its sometimes the only thing we can do. but there's no hiding the fact that often beneath all those pictures, we share a similar core that isnt nice at all.

i want a prs i want a prs i want a prs :(

you stupid spineless slug. why do you even bother? yes i do understand that you cant explain.

my condo is having a poolside screening of enchanted right now, its horrible. but i must justify myself, lest people condemn me for being narrow-minded and what not. enchanted is imo, a BAD show. but its my own opinion. its polluting the minds of our youth! its not that its like, badly written. its just overly cheesy and idealistic and utopian and perfect and beautiful, when lets face it, life is nothing like that. its not that i disagree with fairytales. i agree with fairytales fully, i think everyone needs some kind of fairytale dream. its hope. but well, i really cant accept the kind of fairytale presented in movies like enchanted. i know yesss, it sells. yesss, its nice to watch (for some people), yessss girls will all go awwwww. but seriously? ok lah, i know its just me being me and trying to assert my opinion on others which i should not do, but its something i feel strongly about. i cant hate people for liking enchanted. i dont, i really dont. i dont know who will actually believe me, but that's my stand. i just well, dont see things quite as being quite as rosy. i still want my fairytale. i just hope it doesnt involve falling through manholes or fighting dragons...

shattered? hee....

tired tired tired tired tired

i've had several westlife songs stuck in my head today. it is downright disgusting.

i might be the only one who thinks i can be a nice person.

today i bought new swimming trunks, and went for a swim.

there is nothing, my dear,
quite like the relief that is near.

sigh. hello once more, its nice to see you again.

you'll never quite understand what it's like, going to sleep feeling terrible, and waking up feeling just as bad. its unpleasant. its bad sleep. you dont have to dream about suicide, of course not. you dont have interrupted dreams of people you dont know. you dont dream about a past that never happened, a future that you desire so bad. you dont have to wake up at 5am, feeling thoroughly unrested, and having yet another queer dream between 5-7. no, you dont have to suffer. no, you dont have to be weird.

but its nice, you know. its nice being you, sometimes. people dont bother as much, people dont seem to want to care too much. and i'm fine with that.

i do wish i had a reason. i do wish i had an explanation. but all i have for you are excuses, my friend. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of making all these excuses, because i know i am putting off the inevitable. i thought about it last night, before i went to sleep. if i had a time machine and only one chance, what would i do? would i be selfish enough to take myself back in time and change what has happened? would i be naive enough to think that i can do what i couldnt? would i be brave enough to change? i asked myself, and then i will ask you. could you do the same? its nothing like a sacrifice. sacrifices have a point. sometimes, we dont need a point. some things need no explanation, some things are better off left without reason.

i dont get you. of course i dont. you hide better than i lie.

as always, i have written a song for you.

silly little me, always forgetting i've got no voice to put lyrics in.

goodbye. until next time, my friend. i will always remember you.

bring it on is the epitome of american stupidity. there is nothing like it.

"and like, my boyfriends the quarterback, and i'm a cheerleader!!"

do you remember when no one's here anymore?

hello my non-existant reader, welcome to my blog. first of all, i do warn you that you really are non-existant. second of all, i really am an attention seeking loner, with nothing better to do with his life. of course, you could argue that i am lying. but let us all assume that i am not.

i do not speak in riddles, for there is no point. no one reads, no one understands, no one belabors my point.

i make no attempt to be coherent, nor incoherent. what i say might just be what i am, although i am never sure. that must surely be the beauty of it all. everything is changing all the time. i'm like jello and you are my bowl.

i concede that i am an imperfect flaw. we are all little bits to a non-existant puzzle. god doesnt have time to make jigsaw puzzles.

i dream alot these days. too much, i might say. i dont know what i havent dreamt about. everyone has appeared, teachers, friends, parents, aliens, ghosts, you, you, you, you, you, you and of course, you.

i am not the same anymore. think back 26 years. do you remember what it was like back then? dont worry, neither do i.

i worry, of course i worry. i worry because i know where it might go wrong. i dont live life thinking everything will be alright.

i think about it all the time. there's no other way. yes, its been tough, its been horrible, nightmarish. but its all that is keeping me alive.

hello my non-existant reader. i am glad you take an interest in my life.

sigh

i am so tired. of having to do the same thing over and over again. why cant people give more a damn? i am so sick of it, so sick of them. sigh.

i know, looking back, i will have so many regrets. i already do. and i always wanted to live without having any regrets. it seems, that no longer can be the case. too many doors have opened and closed, and i dont know if they'll ever open again.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch cuz you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

i am extremely annoyed. i have no patience for these trivial irritants. argh. i dunno whats wrong, whether isit the new computer, the internet, the settings, the anti-virus, i dunno what. but its damn screwy. and i am freaking annoyed. its so hard to get anything done at all. i'm losing my threshold for tolerance.

its been a long time since i posted.
its been a long time since anything.
its been a long time since i've been fine.
its been a long time since i've been happy.
its been a long time since i've had freedom.
its been a long time since time didnt seem to speed by.
its been a long time since i looked forward to tomorrow.
its been a long time since i could speak.
its been a long time since anyone seemed to care.
its been a long time.
i know it has been.

dont know where i'm going, dont know where i've come.

how do i explain it to thee? it is the lack of purpose that is driving me crazy. its killing me, not knowing what i'm doing, not knowing where i'm headed. i cannot live every day the same way anymore. it all started when it started to end. you cant live life in a fishbowl when all you have is a cup. i've been searching so long, i'm not sure for what. but i know i have been searching.

i have felt the fatigue, the pain, the many days of suffering and salty tears. but still i get sand in my eyes, walk blindly into the dessert, with nothing but the pyramids in mind.

its nice to have things and people to capture my mind. all the colourful drawings, the beautiful sunsets, the never ending rainfall, your fleeting smile. little children and their innocent grins, flanked by the endless sea and sandy dreams.

no more excuses, you cowardly one. stand up for once, and make it count.

oh my god it is ridiculously stuffy and hot, even at 12.42 in the freaking night. i am melting.

when she sits there, holding the hand of her dying husband. he lies on bed, needing a machine to help him keep going. dressed in nothing more than simple pyjamas and traditional home wear. they are old, wrinkles line their faces. but its simple. to watch them, holding hands, simple unassuming gold bands on the 4th finger of their left hands, it breaks my heart.

yes, love exists.

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible


--
can we stand up for what we believe, when we dont even know what that is?

everything has a reason. we are all innately rational creatures.

i think the most important thing to learn is to know what you believe.

sigh

yes, it has been disappointing. i just hope we are not judged based on that.

maybe if i focus enough on the meaningless and superficial, i can ignore that which really matters.

the difference is that he takes it out on others. i take it out on myself. so we are different, after all.

yes, it is running away. but i cant help it. i've got nothing else to do. no one to lean on, nothing to catch me when i fall. all i can do is run and run, and never look back.

can i even stand up for what i believe?

you think i like it? you think i enjoy being angry? you think i like pissing people off, and making the world hate me?

just because he was right, doesnt mean he wasn't wrong.

fuck lah, not again.

forever, and ever.

and it is ok, after all. i do want to live an idealistic life, full of love and meaning and hope and everything i could possibly want. but in all honesty, what are the chances? i mean, its not that i fervently believe life is meaningless and pointless. i dont think that is true. i just feel that it helps to be aware that life isnt all that it is touted to be. to just know that, well, life does suck. not always, but it does. if we live everyday always believing and hoping blindly, then we are just being ignorant no?
i think its not so much what i want, but more of what i need. i'd like to think that i can look past all the insignificant material details. but can i? until i have tried, i dont think i'll ever know. its tough, because it is irrational. because sometimes it just doesnt make sense. and i kill myself trying to make sense of it. i think some part of me just cannot accept being clueless and lost. when you know, you can control, you are responsible for all the consequences, good or bad. but when you are not in control, so many other things could happen, for better or for worse, who is to say?
ever so often, i just get distracted. my mind wanders off to faraway places. sometimes, i wonder if it may never return. could i then change, and become someone else? but never has that happened. i never get lost, and my mind shouldn't. there's something pulling me back here. i cant ever really leave. yes, i could walk away, but my mind, my heart, my memories, they all will still stay here. and until i can free them, i can never leave. time will pass, as it always has.

will i be there through it all?

oh my god. i just watched possibly the best 40 mins of television drama ever.

judge. judgement. judge. judgement.

we all need to figure out what we're good at. i have a thing for judging people. i realise, that isnt really a good thing. just thinking and thinking and thinking. i cant help but judge. its all about patterns and anomalies. everyone has anomalies. finding them tells me why people are different. and yet at the same time, everyone has patterns. everyone has habits. everyone has preconceived notions of the self. once you can identify, that you can diagnose the disease.

why do you think i hide behind this face? its cos i dont want it t actually be me. its so much harder to speak as yourself than to speak for yourself through the mouth of another.

watching tv, pretending like i can run away from the shit that is reality.

what does a jaded, ignorant 18 year old know about love?

its the gatsby complex.
throw parties, week after week,
night through nights.
hoping that the love of your life will appear,
take the light and blow you away.
over the waters and into the sea.
its the gatsby complex.
we're lost without the lights,
like moths without the flames,
like me without the pain.

it makes not sense at all.
is this what we want?
dont give it up, what wasnt yours to begin with.

its not right. of course it isnt. something can be done. something can always be done. but i suppose, i can do it. i have very un-big words. and short term memory. the screen is jumping. what is it called. it's a whole mixture of emotions and states of mind. angst, fear, tiredness, loss, fear, despair, hope, sadness, sentiment. have i but listed everything that could be listed? i need some happiness. a shred of anything is more than anything i might already have.

he's searching for that understated smile,
to match his overstated frown.

as groups, we vote and agree to give the greatest amount of satisfaction to the greatest number of people. sometimes, voting the best means nothing. the best is hardly ever what the people want. ARGH ANGST ANGST ANGST. i suppose that's why a democracy works. democracy allows for wrong decisions, but in the short run, it does not matter. people just want to leave that hall satisfied and happy. any event that leaves the audience feeling shit is a shit event. FUCK LAH CB.

what a joke lah.

am i not quite ready to sacrifice it all?

you've got your special designs,
all the little hearts and yellow crowns.

there are some things in life you just dont forget: all the firsts and all the lasts. that first kiss, the first crush, the first medal, the last goodbye, the last time singing the school song. it just makes us that much more human. it makes all those moments just a little more special.

no one can ever really compromise. we like to think we can, but it's so, improbable. its all those little things you know. you can look past the looks, the money, the love, everything. but can you look past those habits? everyone has habits.

once in awhile, i like to indulged myself in sad, emo rubbish. it can be quite nice, quite comforting. you know, the problem is that everything is presented to idealistically. i'll always be by your side. i'll never let you go. you're the only one for me. yes, it can be true. yes, we all have hope. dats why its so believable isnt it?

i dream, all the time.

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

before you






isnt that like, beautiful?

honestly, it's good to have your heart broken. i mean, if you have your heart broken, at least you can go to a hospital, get a good surgeon and mend it. yes it'll take awhile before it works like it did before, hell maybe some things may never be the same, but at least its there. at least it works.

what really sucks is not to have your heart broken. rather, to have it slowly chiselled away, bit by bit, until there's nothing left. even the best surgeon cant mend a heart that isnt there.

dont lose your hearts, little ones. bear with me, even if you cant bear with yourselves.

i am dead tired. i dont want to work on my i/s. i dont want to think about my crit com. all i want to do right now is to just get away from all this shit, and spend some time alone. or spend some time with people that matter...

i suppose, until i actually know, until its all out in the open, i'l never move on. its the same as it was before. it'll just keep eating and eating into me. it makes me unhappy. i have to be simple here. no more confusing riddles, no more stupid little secrets. just be simple, just be honest, just be true.

its been so long. it could be so much longer.

cant you say the same thing 10 times over, and mean it 10 times over?

I AM FEELING MURDEROUS.

sigh. i dunno what to say anymore. all the words are just lost. lost in translation maybe. we spend so much time trying to figure each other out, we forget that sometimes, we dont need to. sometimes we just need to listen. its easier to understand when people arnt always talking and spouting meaningless shit. people are so full of shit. and its tiring, having to always distil through all that shit to get to the meaningful stuff.

some part of me just wants to get everything out. some part of me just wants to scream and scream and destroy everything. but every part of me knows i cant do that. i have learnt my lesson, as hard as it may have been. control, i must control. i'm destroyed already, but that doesnt give me any right to go around destroying others.

i cant help but care. even if others dont want to give a shit, i still feel its my responsibility to do something. call me stupid, call me a public nuisance, whatever it is, i dont care. i've learnt not to care. i mean, at some stage, it all just passes by. i reason, many people judge and do things based on how they feel. like if they feel angry, they will be angry. i think in some ways i've lost that. or maybe suppressed that. at the moment, everything is about what i think. like, i have specific reasons to be angry, therefore i am angry, and therefore i feel angry. the feeling almost becomes an afterthought.

yes, the feelings almost become an afterthought.

you and i must fight for our rights.
you and i must fight to survive.

i am soon to crisis.

this should be quite interesting.

Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 3631
How many hours or days of music: 10.4 days
Most recently played: muscle museum (live glastonbury 2004) - muse
Most played: zombie - the cranberries
Most recently added: flights of fancy - west grand boulevard

Sort by song title:
First Song: abercrombie - mates of state
Last Song: 99 red love balloons - bjork

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: cave water dripping - 0:05 but that's not a song. intro - muse 0:22
Longest Song: echoes - pink floyd 16:31

Sort by album:
First album: a - kiko y sara
Last album: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

First song that comes up on Shuffle: amarantine - enya

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death: 13
Life: 98
Love: 138
Hate: 17
You: 415
Sex: 7

just now i witnessed a caterpillar getting totally owned. it was quite amusing. i was standing at the roadside, waiting for the light to change. then there was this caterpillar on the floor. then it started crossing the road. so i kept watching it, and kept thinking, oh man, what if a car ran over it? then WHAM. a car did. the caterpillar flipped about 3 rounds in the air, and landed on its back. dead.

the moderation fantasy

the one that we believe,
someone we create.
crawling about in our tyranny.

get in line, dont say a word.
lose your voice in this atmosphere.
count the people in this line,
make sure no one's left behind.

lets look on the bright side of life. of course, that is assuming there actually is one. but no, that is being cynical. so lets assume there's one. what could be good about losing your wallet (with ic within), your ipod, your camera and your keys?

i actually have a bright side. i just need to lose my handphone and my laptop now, and i can go triblal!

whoopee.

its lonely out there. and mighty quiet inside.

all this anger and frustration is going to kill me. its like, self-destructive. i really do wish i had some outlet of sorts. it sucks to be this negative, to always be angry and frustrated and unhappy. no one likes being unhappy. well, i hope not anyway. its a horrible feeling. its depressing. and i think more than anything else, it leaves one lonely. i think deep down inside, some part of us wants to be dependent. i mean, yes we talk so much about wanting to be independent and everything. but sometimes, its just nice to have someone to fall back on.

i fear i may never have a voice. i fear i may never be heard.

i'm going to type a long long post. by saying that, i think i have predisposed myself to do it. so what, is it wrong? in all honesty, there isnt much to talk about. so what shall i do? i am really hungry you know. i havent eaten much today at all. and there isnt anything to eat at home. all the pineapple tarts are gone. i love pineapple tarts. i love cny snacks. but it makes me fat, so in a way i'm glad they are gone. so how how. maybe i should talk about life. but life sucks. life is boring. you know i thought about it, what keeps friendships together? and what makes friendships just friendships, and nothing more? it must be our flaws, isnt it? the fact that people are so differently, but innately, we are all imperfect. we are all flawed. we all make mistakes. and i think as long as we recognise that, friends will be but friends. today i saw a very sad scenario in the train. there was this couple standing next to me. (not a good looking couple, but that is irrelevant.) the guy was playing his psp, with his headphones plugged in. the girl was standing next to him, leaning on him somewhat, and with her own headphones plugged in. now, isnt that just so very sad? i think it is. i mean, i definitely could be misjudging them, but i just find such a scenario very saddening. den again, i find myself contradicting myself. but maybe not. on the way up the escalator at tanah merah, i saw this angmoh couple totally making out on the down riding escalator. i personally found that slightly off-putting, but well, people say that's love. i doubt it. i think i'm looking at the somewhere in between. affection, but not, i dunno, obsession? but then again, maybe it is obsession that makes it so special. obsession isnt inherently a negative word. it tends to be associated with negative meanings, but it can be good, sometimes. there is a reason they call it a "healthy obsession". oh shit, i should paragraph.

there. a paragraph. i think the knights riff is just SO DAMN AWESOME. seriously. it makes me happy. its like the happy floorball. it makes me happy. i dont think its right, how i keep judging people. i know i cant use the argument that they judge me, hence i judge them. i mean, judgement is inevitable. but it gets excessive, sometimes. and i know it. i dont want to be a horrible person. ok so maybe i am, that's not for me to say, not really anyway. more correctly, i dont want to be an actively horrible person. some people can do it so well. and well, i cant. that sounds like an excuse. i dont want to keep having to make excuses. these are strangely short sentences. ok stop it man. quit dreaming. i shall go get myself something to satisfy my hunger. ok i found nothing. or maybe nothing found me. i think i shall go distract myself again. distraction is good. i dont really think, do i?

now now, just what do you want? i want to rant about muse. i think muse is awesome. i really do. it makes me all bubbly and happy. of course, that's provided i'm not listening to the depressing songs. starlight is incredibly uplifting, even if i dont particularly like the song. there's just something about the song, its so hopeful. and maybe we all need something like that. some blind hope. to just push us on. keep us going even when we feel like there's no more road ahead of us.

oh lookey. distraction.

hello.

you cant hear me.
you still drift around all the time.

i've forgotten the words to this song,
i've forgotten, for so so long.

be quiet.
we're all leaving.
once and for all.
decidedly, we shall move on.
even if we dont know how.

i can pretend so much that i do not care.
maybe even convince myself that i dont.
but there's no hiding the smile behind the frown.
i'm torn, again and again.
regardless of what the pictures say,
i'm not the person i'm made out to be.
a little less, maybe quite a bit more,
i'm running away, away from today.
so quiet now, hear your own breathing.
forget the sounds of my footsteps fading.
its a long way from home,
called out into the empty nowhere.
time passes, we wont regret.
no, not once.

if only i could change your mind,
if only she would turn back time.
then it would rain once more,
give us time for one more sunrise.

i had an incredible brainwave in my dream last night. the most amazing song lyrics came to me.

so i got up, picked up my phone, and typed everything down, then saved it under a draft.

and then i woke up this morning, and realised, ah shite. that was all a dream too.

goddamn.

wasting my mind, thinking about you all the time.
i've destroyed the future, trying to recreate the past.
green pastures turn grey, roses slowly rot away.

this is potentially tragic.

no one to talk to.
the music has left my ears.
all i hear now are the whisperings of my memories,
reminding me of all that i have thrown away.
words no longer fill up the empty daily silence.
all the buzz, occupies the space that was once reserved
solely for you.

maybe i never cared as much as i should have.
believe whatever that i may, things still wont change.
you have moved on with the times,
stayed on the tracks, speed ahead.
i remember getting off,
i remember getting lost.

third degree heartburn

how i wonder how this world would be,
if the sun didnt rise tomorrow,
if darkness was all that's left to see.

change out of those dirty clothes,
like the shallow bay purge your sins.
come off the steps, dont look back,
take heed, you may just succeed.

i suddenly feel like title-ing and labelling everything. its therapeutic. which reminds me, i really cannot spell. wonderful isnt it, this world we live in. its so perfect, and beautiful, and complete, and free of any troubles at all! honestly, the world is a perfect place. its complete, clean, orderly, predictable, stable, everything you could ever want. so what's the problem?

the world is populated by imperfect people, that's what.

because the because.

because he aint happy enough with what he has. hell, he aint happy at all.
because he does not enjoy what he does.
because he cant seem to get any satisfaction out of anything he does.
because its not good enough, it may never be.
because he doesnt know if it'll make him happy, which is why he hopes.
because hope is dangerous, hope is flawed, hope is everywhere.
because he listens not to the voice of emotion, but the voice of reason.
because he is afraid that that voice of emotion is right.
because he has a past.
because he doesnt know if there's any future.
because he's afraid, weak, frail to the bone.
because life's tough, but we struggle on anyway.
because he has friends to laugh.
because he has friends who cry.
because he pretends like he does not care.
because he wants to forget, even though he knows he cant.
because he wants to run, farther, longer, faster.
because he wants to fall, so he can pick himself up.
because he left those scars to never heal.
because he forgot, wings dont make you fly.
because we all care, even if we dont want to.
because we all feel, even if we try not to.
because we all fall, even if we never jump.
because we all hope, even if we've forgotten how.

this kind of weather is beautiful. its like, natural aircon. you know what the sad part is? in singapore, we call it freak weather. in temperate countries, they call it spring.

in other news, Houston, we have a problem.

house is seriously awesome. i love the show. gosh.

what is it then. glory? passion? bitterness? maybe its because one does something that one's good at, not something that one likes. and people actually realise that. how i wish there was someone who could talk to me about this, someone who could think with me. so why then? we always ask that question, why. it helps us think, it helps us relax. fuck pop ups. why dont clinton/obama use pop up ads? that would be soooo effective. you know, it would be nice to be smart. to know that thought processes actually count for something. its much better than all this hypothetical bullshit and theoretical hogwash. there's no point in trying to understand something we cannot comprehend.

what am i doing? i am avoiding reality. look at it. i'm not even telling you what the time is, even if it is 12.08am right now. i dont see the point. time's a measure of something. what is that thing? of moments past? wrong. time is the measure of the number of ticks on the clock that is used to determine time. (its some atomic clock somewhere, i've forgotten the name and am too lazy to take out the article) so if time, what many consider natural, is in fact a measure of a man-made phenomena, what's stopping us from applying this same logic to everything else? at some point, nature becomes rather unnatural, doesnt it? Man suddenly have a role to play in everything. suddenly, instead of signs of God, you start seeing signs of Man. instead of the golden ratio, you start seeing golden "made in china" markings. its what the world is coming to, lets face it. at some point, all this building, all this growing, its all going to collapse on itself.

there are too many smart people on this earth right now. that's why governments are seeking out ways to support life on other planets. earth is over-infested with brains. and it very obviously is a problem, the same way the fucking pop ups are a problem. cheebye partypoker.com. at some point, all that brain is going to have to go through natural selection. well, it has done, but those were less developed brains. they were the monkeys, these are now the man. we are going to have a war of ideas. and the best part is, its all freaking stealth. no one's going to know. its all those little discreet missions and covert ops that is going to be the doom of mankind. facebook, google, ebay, skype, they all have the same function, even if they are disguised differently. yes, you think they are harmless, but let me assure you, they are not. they are planting the seeds of destruction. they are getting you ready for the war, making sure you're prepared to fight, prepared to contribute to the carnage, prepared to be part of the downfall.

and when all the dust has cleared, it'll be you and me left. and we shall rule the new born reality.

its pretty ridiculous, therefore its worth a shot.
i know i'm not alright, its always been this way.
from that day we sat on those steps,
breathing life away.
come away from the edge,
quit hurting yourself all the time.
step up on that pedestal,
halos and broken wings.
share this discipline, the cause we follow to win.

looks like it isnt looking too good for you.
all that crumbles, break apart.
drift away like continents, always too far.
but there's no use telling me,
believe in the crimes of humanity.
have you gone to far?
questioning the leaders,
dressed in all white,
going about our lives all through the nights.

face it, its not like we have a choice. sometimes life is just going to suck. its not like i want to make things so difficult all the time. in many ways, i think we're all simple people. things just complicate themselves for us so we have drama. stupid freaking drama.

fuck lah. i'm sick and tired of it. i really am. i dont know how it feels, i dont know what to say, i dont freaking know anything at all. all i know, its not enough. its too little too late.

fuck math. i am going to fail fucking h1 math, laugh out loud.

It's happening soon, it's happening soon, its scent has been blowing in my direction.
To me it is new, to me it is new, and it's not gonna change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

It's got to be here, it's gonna be there, its gonna be now or I'll lose for ever.
To me it is strange, this feeling is strange, but it's not going to change for anybody.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And its led me on, and on to you.

Accuse me,
Trust me, I never knew,
That you were the one, you were the one,
oooh.

And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you.
And it's gonna be our last memory,
And it's led me on, and on to you. You.

life hurts.

i've turned on the radio. singapore radio. things must be looking rather bleak. especially when they start playing the fray and avril freaking lavigne.

lets face it, there is no going back. chase it as we may, nothing can recreate those silent memories. i dont want to have to continue this way. love like the yellow thief. love her, love her and salute her. i'm driving myself up the wall. into the grave. whichever imagery suits best.

i cant express just how i feel. i can tell you what's happened, i can tell you how i react, i can tell you what i'm thinking. but i cant tell you how i feel. its hard, this emotion business. there's alot at stake isnt it? i realise, i cant just put it all aside. ok so maybe i can. well it depends. the music on the radio is annoying. maybe i want sympathy i know i wont get.

you know what, yes i can.

singaporeans are brilliant. you know the classic problem: tomayto or tomarto? well, we singaporeans have figured it out.

tomehto.

i lie all the time, even if its the only way to make them fake their smiles...

hello. i wonder if anyone hears this plea. but it is of no matter and consequence, all the fault still will remain mine.

hello there. can you hear me? will you spare one moment to witness this out pour?

gosh, this is incredibly stupid. yes, i know i am. shhh. shuttup. i'm trying very hard to cry here.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

bob. is. happy. is. bob.

for a long time now i've had this coming.

just think about it for a moment. some things must come, and then some things must go. there's no use holding on to the past is there? i mean, what's done cannot be undone, what wasn't done cannot now be done. everything, in some way, has its time and place. and once you let it out of your grasp, in many ways, its gone forever. there is no turning back, even if we keep looking back. there are some secrets you can just keep forever, even though it isnt really a secret. its more shortcoming, something you wouldnt want to admit to. your stupidity, your naivety, your mistake.

the real issue now is this: who do i want to be? i mean, sure i know what i can do, in some cases i know what i should do. do i then be myself? or be what i should be? how long more am i going to remain my selfish self, and hope that it'll pull me through? you know, i dont think i am what i was before. maybe its cos i used to have so much to hide. now what do i have? am come on, its j2 already. i'm 18, last year in vj. everythings going to end pretty damn soon you know. i hope that sharing session is still on, a12. we all need closure. i maybe more than all of you.

i think i am past unhappy or sad. i have entered the realms of being miserable. i hate what i'm doing, i hate so many things. i know what can make me happy, but i'm not doing/getting it. what does that make me? miserable. indeed it does. realistically, i dont know what i want to be when i grow up. in my dreams, i'll be doing what i want, what i enjoy, what i love. but i doubt anyone will let me chase that dream. my parents sure as hell wont. hell if anything, they'd be the ones trying to stop me.

there really is no use pretending this is some massive issue, some all-encompassing problem, when obviously its not...

there are no answers.
there isnt a way out, not yet.
i'm still learning.
even if i dont like it,
as much as i want to escape it,
i've fallen thus far.
through the clouds and onto the grass.
there are no answers.
all day i can wish upon falling stars,
watch the days run past,
and still i'll think of you.
no idea, never ever will.
there are no answers.
none, this riddle will forever baffle.
tease young men, play with their minds.
this night we shall change,
make amends for all the faults of our games.
but there are no answers.