Falling Away With You

i realise then words are escaping me more and more frequently. i dont know what to say, but that's not even the real problem. the real problem lies in the fact that i suspect i may have forgotten how to say. army is screwing with my life. i knew it would, i just didnt know it would be this bad. i have become incoherent. i cant even write a proper semi-intelligent sentence now. i swear, army makes people stupid. its not fair on guys, they enter uni with an increased disadvantage. my active vocabulary has probably been reduced to maybe a 100 words. at best 200? i dont want to count. 

i think the thing that most shocks me is just how much i miss the things i had. 

nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard. 

when all lights fade, my eyes take shape

army changes everything. 

and i'm gone. be back in two weeks. 

Falling from your grace

shopping is cathartic. i guess its easy to lose oneself in the euphoria of spending money, especially when you dont normally spend so much money. its crazy. since As ended i think i've spent close to $400. i mean my parents do reimburse some of that money, but its still crazy actually spending all that money. and it is cathartic, to loosely use the term. and its been a great day. soccer, good food, shopping, company, excellent. 

soooooooo.... 

tekong is looming. well, sort of. its not really looming like DARK SCARY DANGEROUS looming. its more like COME COME I"M NOT SO BAD looming. i'm looking forward to it, so at least i have the right mindset going in. its not so bad, it really isnt. 

its all about distracting myself right now. doing quite well so far, so its alright. kinda. 

Mass Hysteria

today is Crash and Burn day 2. spent tons of money, said tons of things i shouldnt have, and did tons of nothing. sounds like crash and burn to me. 

\m/

muse makes me very happy :D

Emotional Crash and Burn

right now, i cant do anything right. all my choices suddenly seem so different, and they start making less and less sense. and its just a bad time to be doing anything. nothing beats nothing. i dont want to end up doing something i will regret. hell right now i'm not even thinking straight. i'm thinking things that make zero sense, i'm considering scenarios so far-fetched even jk rowling couldnt think of them. the worst part is that i can somehow make them seem quite real. which is a scary thought. 

i'm glad everyone's going away. or rather, i'm glad i'm going away from everyone. at least it gives me time on my own, to recover and find myself again. everything's happening to quickly i suspect, trying to do so much with so little time. i guess its time to now think about taking things slow. i mean, its only 4 more free days left. after that, i've got all the time in the world to begin from circle one. 

i guess right now i just need to let myself crash and burn. seriously. there's little else i can do, and there's little else i should do. crash and burn, crash and burn. 

(:

because this is the greatest class ever

Leaving Out The Blanks

somtimes, it only takes a little tap on the shoulder to remind you of what really matters. 

its the little things that i remember. i guess because you realise what it means to you. and because you'll never get it again.

i've been thinking about religion and faith. and i suspect i understand now. more than i used to. 

just wanting or meaning to say is not good enough. only actually saying is good enough. 

its damn hot. 

hot damn. 

nope, i havent found it yet. i'm still looking, although i'm not sure how long i can keep this up for. for as long as it takes, i guess. some things dont have deadlines. 

i dont think about death too much. not mine, that is. its a good thing, if anyone believes me. 

i guess, i'm still scared, terrified, freaked out. because i dont understand, because my rational mind cannot make any sense of it all. 

How do you fall in love when you've never been in love before?

prom was awesome. i suspect it was even slightly better than i expected it to be. i mean yes some parts were pretty lame, haikel was full of crap, but hey at least i enjoyed myself. i guess that's the most important thing. 

haha, this post has been stagnant for a couple of hours. i shall get back to it. 

i've actually forgotten anything intellectual i might have thought a while back. my brain has been degenrating into mush ever since school ended. its quite sad really, considering that i wont really need to think very much during army. of course you know what i mean. 

oh yes i remember now. i was musing about army just now, and i realised that the change to pixelated gear is very fitting. it is the 21st century after all, we no longer engage in physical combat. it is the time for digital and cyber warfare. hence the government's decision to make all ns men look like freaking avatars. i just hope they dont eventually send me to thailand to fight that never ending pseudo-war. 

i am falling sick. not just literally, but i suspect mentally as well. it's not that my mental state is degenerating or anything. its just that so many things have changed that i sometimes dont recognise me anymore. suddenly, i'm doing so many things i normally wont, and it scares me. everything scares me, because i'm actually really a coward. which is worse, pretending to be a coward or pretending not to be?

i may be awesome, but i'm not as awesome as you make me out to be. 

i may be delusional, but not as delusional as i make you out to be. 

Dark and Darker

Dark and Darker

dark: dont be foolish. 

darker: foolish? i dont have time to be foolish. i've spent all this time waiting, and you're telling me i'm foolish?

dark: it's going to happen someday. we all grow up. 

darker: grow up. hmph. 

dark: and what do you want? to fall in love like in all your dreams? 

darker: at least i have dreams. you are nothing but a cynical aimless wanderer. 

dark: who isnt miserable, if you havent noticed. 

silence. 

darker: go back to your damn hole. 

silence. there is no hole. 

dark: you are an idiot. you dont even know who you are. 

darker: and who does? you? give me a break. you're nothing more than me, and nothing less. 

dark: nothing is never nothing. 

silence. 

dark: i'm come to the conclusion that you are crazy. crazy crazy crazy. 

darker: crazy to a t. 

dark: its been too long. and yet you put yourself through all of it. who does that?

darker: hm, certainly darker than you. 

dark: you will have none of my sympathy. SCUM. 

darker: good. now leave me alone. 

dark: no. 

silence. 

darker: i refuse to carry on. 

they leave. 

Oh Dear

things have been different recently. i've spent more time worrying about my life than life in general. i dont know if that's a good or bad thing. perhaps it is neither. sometimes, it is better not to judge. taking a stand can be dangerous. 

i am tired. i've slept less than 18 hours in the past 3 days i think, which is disturbingly little considering its the holidays. i keep wondering if i am actually spending my remaining days the way i should. i mean, its not a lot of time left. yet somehow i dont really care. i am so so tired. 

gosh, its ironic how it is only now that i really understand some of the stuff i've learnt in school. i finally understand what young meant about waiting, about keeping an appointment that may never come. i can finally appreciate the beauty of the dream, and the misery of the illusion. perhaps one may never fully grasp the greatness of gatsby, but sometimes, one glimpse is more than enough. 

yes, settling for less can be a painful thing. at least be thankful you dont have to settle for nothing. 

http://funnyexamanswers.com/

WIN

Floating On

i havent slept well in at least a month. this scares me, i never used to have real trouble sleeping. but then a month ago i started having trouble sleeping. i would lie in bed for an hour, unable to sleep. now, i fall asleep, but have trouble staying asleep. i've been waking up when the sky is still dark, because of the dreams i've been having. i keep having to wake up from my dreams, but in a way i guess it spares me from the real horror that may have come had i kept on dreaming. 

hello world, i've been losing my head. cant you tell? things have NOT been ok. i NEVER emphasise words in my sentences. i think it is quite STUPID. WHAT THE HELL. as of right now i am EXTREMELY exhausted, hence i am NOT THINKING STRAIGHT. WOE BE ME. 

i hate myself. when all else fails, hate thyself. even if you dont, do so anyway. at least its not as destructive as hating someone else, and then hating yourself cos you hate someone else. HATE THY SELF. 

nah, i'm just kidding. 

i am in no condition to do anything at all. 

green plastic watering can

reason has its limits. i never thought i'd admit to it, but i will now. 

today was so tiring. i am so burnt right now, i'm amazed i'm actually still awake. a part of me cannot comprehend why i'm doing all that i am. its not rational. i shouldnt be doing all these, but i am anyway. 

ok, so i dont know what i'm doing. i'm not sure if there's any point in trying to figure out if everything is right or wrong. sometimes, i think you just gotta risk it. some things never fully make sense,  but it doesnt mean that i shouldnt make any sense at all. something's better than nothing, and even if it isnt i'll keep telling myself that. if only this wasnt so selfish, if only there was some other way. 

Hey Mr Lumberjack

MAN UP. 

The Missing

it gets harder with every passing day. 

today was pretty random. went to town, then to chinatown, then to huimin's house. ended up watching 6 episodes of oc season 4. as artificial as it may be, it's still appealing in the way they deal with very real issues, albeit in rather false ways. and kaitlin's still hot as ever. 

17 days left. there's alot i need to do i realise. prom is only a week away. wow. i didnt realise how close it is. prom better be fun. everyone else is going to be so boring, every guy is going to look generic. such a pity, i think costumes would be more fun. and besides prom, there's still lots of catching up to do. i want to play mahjong, i want to meet people i've lost touch with, i want to spend my days as occupied as possible. 

Message in a Bottle

oooh i've hit 900. 

18 more days to army. i'm a little scared, quite excited. 

at least i know. 

die lor duh

assasin

WHAT A DAY. 

damn. 

i havent had such fun in ages, i almost shock myself. everything just happened, no thinking, no pondering, no worrying, just deciding. crazy. crazy fun. yeahhhhhhhhh. 

the train was filled with freaks. i look at all of them, looking back at all of me. we are freaks, and recognised fellow strange-men. and it didnt really matter what we looked like, or what we may have been wearing. at 11pm on a weekday, everyone on the train is a weirdo. or maybe a foreigner. there was no escaping the strangeness. 

i met so many weird people today. i even met the weird side of me. weird huh. 

Crystalline Green

i'm nearing the 900 mark. 

omg, house is the best show ever. i swear, i could watch it over and over again, the script writing is amazing. 

NO MORE A LEVELS :D

OMG ITS OVER. JOYYYY. 

btw, i cant seem to remove my damn poll. i want to put a different poll. 

that is an EVIL laugh.

*evil laughter*

how many times can you freeze the same block of ice?

my greatest problem so far has been my indecision. go away, indecision. 

and its all in my head

i'm feeling very detached. as detached as i made Eman out to be. i wrote detached so many times it must have been terrifying. i somehow dont feel as connected as i think i used to be. everything kinda flows by, the slow ebbing of the wave of time. whatever that means. 

on a brighter (haha) note, i really like the remix version of mr brightside on sawdust. there's something about the trance-ish feel that really appeals to me. i really really really like it. 

more V jokes

so tsd is over. AWESOME. 

i'm feeling quite happy right now, post-paper euphoria still hasnt faded. its funny, no matter how bad a paper is, i'm always happy after the paper. i'm just so happy its over. and well it wasnt that bad, because i kinda expected it to be bad anyway. so it wasnt beyond what i expected. which isnt too bad, i guess. yep, i kinda lost myself too, dont worry about it. 

one paper left! i cant wait for lit to be over. i really really really am so excited. i mean, A levels have kinda been bleh to me so far. i havent been shocked, but i havent had a paper i could confidently say i would ace. but its ok. i can always sign on and work my way up the public service ladder. quite a high ladder mind you. quite an expensive ladder too. 

i always imagine what i would be like if i were a funny person. it must be quite fun eh, to be able to make people laugh. like the dudes on whose line, i so envy them. there's a certain sense of wild abandon that is admirable and unattainable. 

and i've concluded, since i am a rational person, i can rationalise away my fears. and i can rationalise away my anger. i'm trying, i really am. 

tears... tea... tear...

i keep on forgetting things i want to remember. 

shit shit shit shit shit

stat of the past few days:

dwight howard - 30 pts, 19 rebounds, 10 blocks, 3 assists. WTF. 

All Apologies

today was a good day turned bad. in about 2 secs. 

i mean its ridiculous. which normal person goes out of his way to make himself and everyone around him more frustrated and angry? its not normal i swear. its like, mild insanity maybe. maybe he has some neurological problem that needs treatment. because that just isnt normal. i mean, we're all going out of our way to reduce any conflict and tension, and he goes out of his way to increase tension an create conflict. 

happy family to me. 

winning is everything

effort is never an option

Outsmart

wow, survivor just got very very interesting. 

survivor in my view is conceptually one of the best reality tv shows ever. i disagree with the amazign race picking up so many awards. i mean, yes its fun to watch people run around, but i think its way more interesting to pick away at the human condition. because survivor is a social experiment. it is proof that groups never exist peacefully and coorperatively. it is testament to the selfishness of Man. after all, who doesnt want a million dollars? 

i think its very easy to lose sight of the real game in survivor. survivor isnt about surviving. it is about playing the game. it is about playing with people, manipulating situations to your needs. the one thing i really wish the producers of the show would do is to actually put a whole bunch of real smart people in one season. i mean, on the surface it may not make for entertaining tv, no bimbo, no cut-throat bitch, no nice guy, no sweet girl. but it would be way more interesting, when everyone has a strategy and everyone plays the game. i think that was missing from the first half of this season, but they're getting to it now. its about outsmarting the rest, not outsurviving the rest. survival is not for the fittest, it is for the smartest. 

and i'm on facebook

what's the big deal? 

The name's so sexy you gotta say it twice.

Madagascar 2 was awesome!!!

"Hey! Happy Slappers! Is there any reason to celebrate? Look at the plane! "

Freedom

and i keep telling myself, its only 26 more days. i can survive till then. 

real scum get away all the time

i think its really weird that this a level period is one of the happier periods of my 2 years. the excitement and joy after each paper ends means that i'm more or less on a high all the time. maybe i'm deluding myself, but sometimes just being happy is good enough, no questions asked. 

today's toilet bowl meditation:

the real disease in america, besides the bush administration, is hollywood. it is the land of broken dreams and false pretenses. hollywood embodies everything the normal citizen will never get: lots of money, lost of hot guys/girls, lots of fame, and absolutely no hard work at all. hollywood is the real scum that gets away all the time. there are too many rich people doing too much for themselves and too little for anyone else. and even then, they dont actually "do" anything. money breeds money, and so all they have to do is have money. 

amazing fact of the day:

al horford - 27 pts 17 rebounds 6 blocks

17 rebounds and 6 blocks. WTF!

Flying Hedgehogs make me happy

wow i just wasted away my night on armorgames.com. amazing. 

run baby run

"On Sunday in Charlotte, the Raptors outrebounded their opponent for the first time this season. Andrea Bargnani is averaging 16.3 points on .731 shooting in even-numbered games and 3.0 points on .267 shooting in odd-numbered games. Chris Bosh has been terrific every night."

HAHAHA. 

econs is about 7/8 over. awesome!!! :))))

I HATE CRICKETS. 

maybe tomorrow

i'm sick of all this. i'm of having to spend every weekend listening to my dad going on about the same things over and over again. i'm sick of listening to all his bullshit. i'm sick of my mom nagging me all the time about every single damn thing. 

more than anything, i'm sick of how dysfunctional my family is. i mean, if it were really dysfunctional it wouldnt be so bad, cos at least i know and we all know we're dysfunctional. but no, we appear alright. but no one talks. every time we're in the car, when i talk to someone about something it feels weird. its like, i'm breaking the holy silence. and its messed up. when i hitch a ride with people, they always talk to their parents. there's always some small talk, asking about each other's day, complaining about this and that. but no, no one talks. either he's whispering, or he's shouting. NO ONE EVER FUCKING TALKS. 

and that's where i'll fall too, if i'm not careful. 

Migraine?

this thing is killing me. its the cause of the bad mood. its the cause of the desire to kill someone. it fucking annoys me, more so because i have no idea wad the hell it is. AND i cant even properly describe what it is. 

pains unexplained

maybe i'm going deaf. i think if there's one thing i'm really afraid of, it is going deaf. even partially. if i cant hear properly, i cant play music. if i cant play music, well, i cant be happy. and if i cant be happy, what's the point of living? there's deductive reasoning for you. 

but i honestly think i may be going deaf. its a strange sensation. everytime sound goes into my ears, it starts to ring and crackle. its like, glass in my ears. or something like that. non-stop. 

i want more colour in my life. my life is not colourless, its just dull. 

when enough is not enough

today has been painful. the buzzing in my ear has really gotten to me now. i dont know if buzzing is the right word. its shrilly, but i dont think shrilling is a word. its difficult to put into words how it feels, because it isnt pain in the normal sense of the word pain. it frustrates me, and it grates against my heart. i cant even listen to my music now. 

also, today i took a shot in the jaw. it hurt, and it still does abit. 

also, today i studied so little, i might as well not have studied at all. (of course the justification in that statement is so bad. studying a little is infinitely better than studying nothing at all. 1 is infinitely greater than 0.)

today i was talking to some friends about the mj match, and i realise that i'm still not over it. i still cant put it behind me. its the feeling of regret and disappointment, knowing that we were so close, and yet so far. nothing went our way, and yet we were still that close to winning. it hurts also because of the effort that i knew i gave, the effort that we knew we all gave. i dont want to complain that its no fair, because life never is. i think the pain still lingers because i've never really tasted victory. not after such a long time of hard work and training. that semifinal was our final, but it wasnt to be. i dont know if i should blame myself for making a mistake right at the very death. every time i think about it i say its my fault, but i know at some point i need to let it go. to realise that its happened, and i cant change what has happened. there is no reshaping the past that is ingrained in the sands of time. but it still is a real pity. 

when its all said and done, there'll be nowhere else to run

i've been weird lately. things have been quite strange. maybe its the anticipation of each paper mixed with the suppressed euphoria of finishing exams plus the fear of screwing up plus the desire to succeed plus the daily chores of studying plus the disappointment of life plus the hope of a better tomorrow.

stirred, not shaken. 

Anger and Madness

i am in a fucking bad mood. its never good, these mood swings of mine. 

i figure, its better being angry than it is being disappointed. the immediate consequence of being angry is of course worse and more destructive, but as long as its not constantly directed at others, its not so bad. why? because anger fades. it always does. as long as you dont start pissing everybody off when you're feeling angry, as long as you exercise some self-restraint, it will pass. but being disappointed, its a lot worse. immediately, there isnt much effect. things seem normal, life seems fine. but it isnt. because disappointment doesnt fade. it'll linger and linger for a long long time, and it'll slowly eat you up from inside. the worse part is you'll never notice. before you know it, you're jaded and quietly suffering. 

so i'll be angry, just for awhile. 

please bear with me, maybe pretend to smile. 

i hate post-paper. its the worst time of any exam day. i think its ridiculous how people have to discuss the paper once its over. i can understand why, so i cant say i dont. people want the assurance they didnt fuck up, people want to gauge how well they are going to do, people just want to know. i much rather not know. ignorance is always bliss. what if i realise i totally screwed up the paper? am i going to spend the next 3-4 months moping and worrying how i did? no, i'm not going to do that. i much rather enjoy myself, live life, and then be sad later on. there's no point prolonging my pain, or rather premeditating my pain. 

i really wish people would just shut up and start worrying about the next paper. what's done is done, and nothing you say is going to change it. why worry? people worry too much, which is why no one knows how to have fun anymore. everyone's too worried about making it. 

Day of Change

check out this dude's name:

Richid Altmbareckhammou

so anyway, today is election day. there is now a black us president. we also know that racism is alive and kicking in america. my question is this: how many people voted for obama because he IS black? 

elections are never truly meritocrious. it is always a populartiy contest. i mean, why else would they get people like bruce springsteen and oprah to side with them? and truth be told, while i think obama is probably the better candidate, i also think mccain lost because of bush. bush was pretty much a total cock-up, and i really think it has hurt the republicans alot. mccain and obama didnt start this presidential campaign on the same level. 

now that obama is president, i want to see if he can deliver on his promises. he's got alot og american shit to clean up. 

Title Number One

just stripped my blog of the template. let me think why...

1. i want my titles back. 

titles are important. titles set the tone of whatever is to come. and its also a really pretentious way to appear smart and philosophical. i mean, its very easy to think of one-liners that sound really smart, and then just fill up the post with rubbish. i always do that. i want my titles back. i want my one-liners back. 

2. i was getting bored with my old one.

i mean yes matt bellamy is all over it, but the blue and grey was actually quite hard on the eyes. i like white much better. and its less cluttered, and easier to manage i guess. which is always a plus. 

3. change of style.

i notice it already. it feels more open, less angsty and repressed. i actually feel like i'm talking to someone, instead of just myself. captive audience indeed. hey my language is improving too! now this is strange... 

4. neutrality. 

do i really need to explain? no, cos i understand what it means. that's good enough. 

5. i'm tired of ripping off other peoples' works

yeah, now i'm just ripping off blogger. but hey, at least they encourage me to do it. 

6. i've got nothing better to do right now.

truth be told, i thought of all those reasons (minus no 6) after changing the template. life is always better viewed in hindsight, because there's nothing you can do to change what has been done and decided. of course that isnt always true but hey, math is over. no one gets to argue with me. 

so everyone, all hail the return of the Title!

why i dont care: 

its simple. its over, so there's nothing to care about.

its when its not over that it becomes a problem, because u cant help but caring. 

i think no matter how many times u watch it, armaggadon is still a great movie. its all about the american dream and the great sacrifice. 

the all american rejects guy cant sing live. neither can alot of people. 

the truth is that i rather be a failure than a lousy friend

the ringing of your laughter slices through his heart. 

being depressed makes u do stupid things. 

being very depressed makes you do nothing. 

i cant believe that my great great great grandfather owned everything from tiong bahru to fort canning to clifford pier to telok ayer to mcritchie, and 20million worth of property and land in malaca, has a road named after him, 

and my grandfather is left with nothing. boo :(

the truth is, its never real till its real, 

always have to be the odd one out. 

knowing neccesitates action, 

so i guess sometimes not knowing is the easier way out. 

not that i have a choice anymore. 

its not different, missing out or not. 

missing has in a way been the word to describe my life. 

so i guess nothing's changed. nothing does. 

and of course i'm not surprised. 

i've just got to act like i'm not affected. 

radiohead and absurd go so well together, i'm surprised there hasnt been a gazillion plays written already... 

i love the internet. 

yay, i'm gonna have a jersey that says bobthemob :D

oh no :(

argh. how does one contend with this madness? 

who shall speak for the people when their leader is dead? 

i wouldn do anything it takes to get what i want. 

i would even lie to you about the fact that i lied to everyone. 

i'm the cool brother all little sisters want to have.

she's the fucking annoying little sister all brothers hate to have but have to have.

there just isnt any come back to "but you're smart what..." 

ugly

dreams. 

my dreams have been starting up again. i've been having more 5-dreams-a-night nights recently. the situations and events have all been very real. ok not real, realistic is the right term, as opposed to non-realistic. my problem is with the progression of time. things happen chronoloically, but not in absolute time. one moment i'm chatting with a girl, the next we are holding hands walking off into the sunset, for (hypothetical) example. and as realistic as these dreams are, they still dont make sense. they dont tell me what i want, they dont show me what to do, they dont do anything other than confuse me. and i'm already confused enough as it is. 

i've lost the habit of recording my dreams, or at least the fragments that i remember. why? because it doesnt matter. no one cares. at least not right now. 

the best friends are not those that are there for you all the time, they are the ones that are there for you at the right times. 

no one is perfect. and yet no one is equal. life will never be fair. 

the best time you weed something out of someone is just before they sleep. of course, you cant be a boring lousy conversationalist, because u'll just put them to sleep. you must be interesting, so as to keep the conversation going, and hence stop the other person from falling asleep. it is likely the other person will spill the beans just to shut you up, cos if u've heard what you want to hear, you wont ask any more questions, and he/she can sleep in peace. 

hur hur. 

its probrably indicative, when the scar on my leg is taking too long to heal. 

LIFEHOUSE WAS AWESOME :))))))))))))

friend, you cant lie about the truth. 

when you're willing to give without wanting anything back, yes, you know you've changed. 

h=e=l=l=o world. 

i have a theory on why singapore and america work so well together. for any action, there must be the ability and the willingness to act. so says econs, somewhere. singaporeans have the ability but lack the will. look at the number of A students we have and the number of A people we have. americans have the will but lack the ability. look at the number of people they have in power and look at the number of stupid people they have in power. so if you add them together, you have both the willingness and ability to act. success! (jireh scoffed at me.)

on another note, i feel different today. maybe its the fatigue. maybe its change. maybe its nothing. the think i do know is that today's different. i actually feel like telling people stuff. i feel like being a selfish jerk and just spout nonsense until people tell me to piss off. 

interesting thought: must dinners have a point? is there such a thing as dinner for dinner's sake? i suspect not. everyone has a motive, everyone has an intention. it's what makes people interesting. i want dinner to have a point, even if there isnt. no that doesnt seem right. i want dinner, regardless of whether there is a point or not. we can figure that out later. 

ok i am feeling tired. its all catching up to me now. 

i'm excited about lifehouse!! 

and i dont really like itunes anymore. its giving me lots of problems, although i'm not sure if its the itunes or the laptop. i wish i could figure things out more easily, life would be so much happier... 

i dreamt last night that ixer totally scoffed at my IS. 

i dreamt alot last night, it involved alot of running, alot of people, and the desperate search for koropok. 

i ran so much last night it felt unreal. then again, it was unreal. 

hell yeah!!

as mr cook would say, BOO people with lots of money. 

its hot, its stifling, its irritating, its depressing. and its sapping my mind. 

its still sweet, you know. 

there's something about taking wedding vows that is so unlike human beings. i mean, it is the ultimate act of selflessness and self-sacrifice. and people just arnt like that. 

i totally forget. 

i like the quiet. one piano, one very big room, one holy place. its perfect. 

and i'd rather not judge. 

does everyone deserve to be happy? 

no one gets second chances. things never will be the same. 

i think its very important to have a good family. i think the lack of a good family has made me recognise this fact. i mean, life is always going to suck at some point, and i suppose its nice to have someone to always turn to. parents these days are perhaps too worried with developing the child that they forget to develop the family. its like economics. the government should always grow the economy, instead of just focusing on specific sectors. if certain sectors grow, total welfare may not. but if the economy grows, total welfare will. (simplistically speaking, of course) its nice to be able to come home with a smile on your face, and leave home with a smile still on your face. i dont think enough kids manage that. there's too much pressure to perform, to much pressure to excel. 

all this, from a family potrait. 

watch you choke, watch you choke,

watch you choke on all of your memories,

and finally keel over and die. 

feelings tell me nothing,

i've left the mail by the doorstep,

right next to the broken glasses of milk and kerosine. 

it is damn fucking hot. 

today i had the most amazing sensation. it was a combination of sheer fatigue and sheer joy and adrenaline. i cant really describe it. on one hand, the mind is so tired, but the body is calling out to move about and do shit. on the other hand, the limbs feel so weak, but the mind is saying "YEAH YEAH YEAH". the constant flux of this state of mind left me in a strange state. its like, its like going to punch wall, but midway time slows down and you hand suddenly gets so weak, it rapidly decelerates and you never actually end up punching the wall. i wanted to do so many crazy things, and so many crazy things wanted to do me. 

WOW. it was awesome. i've had an incredibly wonderful day. 

my fairytale:

its not all that bad. 

she likes people who can exist in her conception of the beautiful world. to her, there is nothing but endless bundles of hope, waiting for people to discover. the showers of blessing and joy will eventually come, no matter the draught that plagues us now. and she cant accept people like me. i destroy everything that means anything to her world. me, who don't believe that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. hell, i dont even believe in rainbows. me, who believes the only knights in shining armours are installation art pieces during Biennale. i cant take back everything i say, because it leaves me with nothing to say at all. she wont accept anything i say, because then she'd have nothing left at all. she must go on making out the world to be a better place, and i must continue ensuring that it isnt. 

i cant believe in fairytales. 

its amazing how when a rich person tries to give away money, it only ends up making her richer.

yes, i am talking about oprah's big give. 

i need to stop looking at expensive guitars and expensive bicycles. 

not quite as foolish as you :)

"kindofbeinginlovebutissadbecausehecan'tgetthewordsoutother"

while i was cycling home just now i saw a boy that couldnt be more than 12. 

he was smoking. 

and what can i say?

these are the tools of the trade.

wah. fuck. prelims are next week and i'm playing freaking need for speed. sigh. i dont feel remotely stressed. hell, i dont really fell anything at all. i wonder which is scarier.

i can say that i have failed.
and then i can say i have failed without trying.

house is awesome.

watching sky captain gave me a very interesting thought. in the show the reporter has one shot on her camera left, and she's involved in well, the greatest change on earth yet. so my thought was this, what would someone do? or rather, what's the best choice to make? take the shot of something significant, or wait for something even better to turn up? i suspect there's a lot of game theory stuff going on here, what with potential benefits and everything. but it is a very interesting proposition.

i just wrote a song and i swear it is awesome. (it is still without lyrics though)

would you rather smile outside and hurt inside,
or hurt outside and smile inside?

what does it say about me, that when people smile at me and wave happily, i dont know how to reply?

i think i should blog more. it might help with my thought processes. assuming i dont get distracted, which i invariably will. its only in my nature that i do. let us question then, the nature of Man. can our characters be formed, or are they already present and there for us to discover? can we apply a formalist vs platonistic approach?

due to my distraction, i will further compound my problem by deviating to a seperate issue, which is my need to security. everyone needs security in something, and i am no different. some people seek security in having secrets, in knowledge, some people find security in scerwing with others etc. what is my security? its easy to find security in material wants. actually, i think its easy to find security in many things. but being secure is not enough. its just like how being valid isnt as good as being sound. i want to be sound in my security, i want to be happy. everyone wants to be happy, at least that's what i believe. even someone like house. maybe he deals with his inability to be happy by trying to make other's miserable, and hence compounding his own misery. it is a vicious cycle.

i cant be happy. i'm no ready to be happy yet. its easier for some people to be happy than others. and i envy those people. being happy is being free from the shackles of one's own mind. being happy lets me sleep easy. i knew what that was like before. but i havent slept easy in a long time. last night was especially bad. i started asking myself questions i shouldnt ask, the same way didi asks questions he shouldnt ask. the problem is that there is no one to be my gogo. i have to be my own gogo.

i have to be my own gogo.

you have no idea how happy you make me feel.
every time you smile, i can pretend like its almost real.

i'm looking down, heading for a greater fall.

life before today:

labels stick.

maybe i'm just a stereotype afterall.

i'm not sure how long i can live a lie.
after all, forever's a long time.

something that makes the real and fake,
all seem quite the same.

and if music be the chains that bind my mind,
let it also be the ropes that burn my heart.


(the following was written on my journey home)
i guess i do need these moments,
just to deal with myself.
to strip away everything,
all the masks, the facades,
and just be myself.
its these moments i feel most vulnerable,
but also the most human.
at least i can deal with my feelings.
and i guess it will bring me to the brink of tears.
i've never fought so hard to hold back tears.
in a way, with everything thats happenin,
its bound to happen.
but its also a new feeling,
a feeling of what i think was pure sadness.
i really felt sad.
and at the same time its so magical,
with them singing and the sound of water
slowly crashing against the sand,
the sound of the air slowly gliding past,
its so damn beautiful,
and hauting at the same time.
i mean, we could possibly never experience another moment with these people again.
and its sad and depressing, thinking about that.
sometimes i think its so much easier to dwell in the past.
at least its over. at least i noe wad to expect.
the future scares me.
the psat feels comfortable.
i guess tonite was good.
its been the first time in a long while i've had time to actually think properly.
life's been so busy, i guess its good to have moments like these.
to just pull oneself out of this never-ending rat race,
to give oneself the space life never leaves.
to realise that we havent lost our soul in the constant pursuir of progress,
in the constant race to be no 1.
i guess maybe once a month or something i should ask a few people to just go down,
sit along the bean and just, be.

i cannot stand it. i was poetic once before. and look at me now.

have you suffered the depths of sadness,
so you can rise up once more?
have you boiled in your own pain,
to shed your old skin?
have you slept with a broken hard,
and wake up crying in the dark?
have you ran till you dropped,
hurt your knees and puked alot?

this has left me so drained and defeated,
so much so that i dont know what to think anymore.
i cant say i dont care, i still do,
but something just isnt like it was before.

i honestly dont know what to do with myself right now. i'm in a really deep shithole, and i cant seem to get myself out of it. you know, its not always been this way. i think for very long i've been in a funk of sorts. now all these shitty emotions and feelings are coming back to destroy me again. it happened once before and its happening again. i can feel it, and i dont know how i can stop it. sometimes, i'm just lost for words. i honestly dont know what to say, because i know that whatever i say is the wrong thing to say. so i'm better off not saying anything at all. but this is the worst choice to make, much like bosola. i think that's the importance of choice. its not about having choice, its about making choices, and dealing with the consequences whatever they may be. having choices but not making a choice at all is the stupidest thing to do, because it leaves you with nothing. it leads you nowhere. it is an endless cycle of despair.

i cant make choices. i thought i could, i thought i can now, but some part of me is still telling me i cant. that's what makes me weak. its the reason i can admire people even if i dont like them or approve of what they do. at least they have made their choice, and are standing by those choices, or dealing with those choices.

i feel very left out of life right now.

i cant even think right now. my mind is just, i dunno, destroying itself. committing mental suicide. i feel like a shadow of the person i thought i was. i feel like telling descarte to take his philosophy and shove it up his fucking ass right now. i think therefore i am. i dont think, therefore i am not. i think i am in despair, therefore i am in despair. fuck descartes. (for all i know i might be mistaken, it might not have been descartes after all. but i think its him)

i am not feeling angry. i am not even feeling sad. i'm feeling something i dont want to admit i'm feeling. yes.

the paradox is as follows:

A judge tells a condemned prisoner that he will be hanged at noon on one day in the following week but that the execution will be a surprise to the prisoner. He will not know the day of the hanging until the executioner knocks on his cell door at noon that day.

Having reflected on his sentence, the prisoner draws the conclusion that he will escape from the hanging. His reasoning is in several parts. He begins by concluding that if the hanging were on Friday then it would not be a surprise, since he would know by Thursday night that he was to be hanged the following day, as it would be the only day left (in that week). Since the judge's sentence stipulated that the hanging would be a surprise to him, he concludes it cannot occur on Friday.

He then reasons that the hanging cannot be on Thursday either, because that day would also not be a surprise. On Wednesday night he would know that, with two days left (one of which he already knows cannot be execution day), the hanging should be expected on the following day.

By similar reasoning he concludes that the hanging can also not occur on Wednesday, Tuesday or Monday. Joyfully he retires to his cell confident that the hanging will not occur at all.

The next week, the executioner knocks on the prisoner's door at noon on Wednesday — an utter surprise to him. Everything the judge said has come true.

my reasoning is this: assuming that the prisoner has reasoned out that he cannot be hanged, him being hanged on any given day would be a surprise. it might then be argued that the purpose of judge telling the prisoner that his hanging day would be a mystery is to induce this false sense of safety in the prisoner, so as to justify the hanging being a surprise. if the prisoner is paranoid, he would think that every day might be the day he dies, then there wouldnt be any surprise anymore. hence i would argue that the purpose of the judge telling the prisoner it would be a surprise is to heighten his expectation of reprieve and hence increase the level of surprise when he eventually is hanged. this follows from the knowledge that the prisoner is damned and there is no way the hanging will not take place. in other words, the prisoner has come to a false conclusion that contradicts prior knowledge of the fact that he is condemned to be hanged.

which means he is an idiot.

last night i had a very nice dream.

this morning, i had a very brilliant thought.

right now, i'm in a whole load of shit.

stranded on this runaway train...

i guess every once in awhile, i have those moments, where nothing seems right. everything suddenly becomes that much more bleak, that much more meaningless.

i think i'm comfortable in the knowledge that my mind is whirring. i'm comfortable in the knowledge of knowledge, if you like. but i guess its not really knowledge, more like musings and thoughts. i much rather myself be thinking about 5 things at once than nothing at all. the worst of all would be to think of one thing and only one thing. that leaves me depressed.

best of all is to remove all thinking. that's what computer games are for.

warnings. warnings.

i have failed to understand myself. i think we're all losing sight of what really matters. there is a need to look beyond the talk. everyone talks, everyone can fill the air with sounds, pretending like it all means something.

nothing makes me special. i guess i cant accept people being different from how i perceive people should be. i think everyone has expectations of the world, of how it should behave, of how things should be. but there's no way all those expectations can be met. what gives me the right to judge people? there is a balance in life after all. for everything that i do not say, someone else will be talking away, signifying nothing. some people just have to talk. for every patient person there must be someone high-strung. for every sensitive person there must be someone with no tact. life is fair after all, i guess. so i shall not complain that life in unfair. i think its funny how i can always rationalise my emotional state of mind, in something greater than myself. it absolves me of the need to feel, the need to involve myself in the things i do. its time for something more, even if i cant do it. its time for change. its time for chance. and maybe hope. possibly happiness. definitely, a better tomorrow.

today i met two narrow-minded ah bengs.

me, sits at bus stop.
me bicycle is placed to the side of bus stop, about 2 metres away.
ah bengs stand about a metre away from me.
ah bengs are stupid.
ah bengs look at bike.
ah beng 1 to ah beng 2: "woh. who's bike is that. mutter mutter mutter"
ah beng 2: "i dunno. but eh, can take the brakes ah. (i didnt catch the rest of their convo)
me stands up and goes to bike.
ah bengs O_O

my dreams are bothering me too much. i suspect to a point i'm left with nothing else.

this morning i had an extremely traumatic experience. i was lying in bed, having quite a bad dream. i woke up suddenly, and my sister runs across my room door singing 'WE ARE SINGAPORE, WE ARE SINGAPORE..." at the top of her voice.

i understand now, i dont have nightmares. i just have bad dreams. and in all honesty, they are significantly worse and more painful than nightmares.

i went back to sleep, and had more bad dreams.

and i'm counting down the days.

you know there i'm slowly dying inside,
every moment she's not here preying on my mind.

i lost all madness chasing after you.
it was never a gift for two.

and he said: "i lied."

hello.

this is the time where everyone starts thinking about life after jc, about uni, about ns and everything. it does scare me. i need to clear my life out, and start all over. start to think. i havent been thinking alot lately. surprisingly, i've been feeling alot. now its time to think. the matrix helped. it helped me get back into a groove of sorts. but still its not enough. watching a movie wont gift me 2 years of econs. i dont feel the pressure yet, and when i dont feel the pressure i wont ush myself. suddenly everything is coming back to get me. all those fears, all those insecurities, they are all threatening to overwhelm me.

sigh. i dont feel quite as smart anymore. my brain just refuses to work. i'm constantly tired. and this is no time for any more excuses. there can be no more excuses. excuses wont get me my As. i fear i am looking too far ahead. i'm already looking forward to ns, to uni, and i mean, i havent even started worrying about A levels.

i need to start making lists again. tom i shall make lists. i shall make many many many lists. i shall list everything i want, everything i could have, everything i dont want, everything. i shall make lists. many lists. one list to rule them all.

life, the contradiction i rather do without.

its easy to get lost, especially since i was blind and never wanted to say goodbye.

so i ask myself over and over again,
how often more will i suffer my own shame?
its irrational, its intentional,
ultimately, its my fault, my blame.
i'm a pinball, taking my time to slowly fall.

there's nothing like a slow night to destroy the silence.

its over. dats all there is to it. the pain will hit me some time later.

post 800:

it hurts. 2 years, and it comes down to bad refereeing. i'm not sure how much more we could do. we gave it everything, but it seems it really isnt meant to be. we fought and we fought and we fought. it just came down to horrible refereeing, and one mistake. how sad, that two years it just comes down to that.

on hindsight, this may be the match we found ourselves. this was the match we prove to ourselves we could be the best. this was the match of missed chances. but right now, i'm just hurting.

THIS IS IT.

2 more posts after this and i hit 800.

so i'm feeling weird. its not really sadness. its a mix of regret, disappointment and frustration. we need new words for such complex emotions.

life is very different, although i'm not sure everyone sees it. sometimes, i am too quick to judge. in my mind, judgement is everything. its not a negative nor positive thing. it is neccessary, and it happens. it establishes a relationship that otherwise would be farcical.

what's worse? having friends and feeling lonely, or not having friends and feeling lonely?

how long can i pretend that its not there.

i am going to sleep in 15 mins. in the mean time, i shall pretend to be interesting. HELLO!!! hahahahahahahahaha. i am like, so totally interesting right. i want to be king, i want to be king, i want to be king! burger king burger king burger king!

like, TOTALLY.

so yes, i admit it might be a little wrong, but isnt everyone entitled to think out of the box once in awhile? so yesterday, i thought outside of the box. i stayed up till 2am playing a stupid computer game. how out of the box is that! in this age of non-conformity, sometimes thinking outside of the box is the stupidest thing a person could do.

crazy, but absolutely lovely...

OMG DIABLO III

i dont want to complain again. i should stop complaining all the time, and do something about the pain.

its everywhere. it really is everywhere. and somehow, it almost seems too easy. it cant be. or maybe i'm just not simple enough.

a dead rose is an interesting sight.

quietly, she stood there, waiting for a sign. it was pouring now. the skies have changed, the drains were flooding, but inside her it remained still. she could wait.

staring from a distance its easy to judge, the silly little girl standing in the rain, refusing to budge.

yes, she had her umbrella, we all do. it was yellow in colour, but it hardly kept her dry. but still she persisted, still she waited. for she had to, for she wanted to.

its like telling a story. it always is. we search for fairytale endings to escape this misery, endings that give us hope. endings that matter to us. endings are important. they give us reason to press on with the story, to deal with the twists and turns and to never give up.

so maybe this is the story i'm trying to tell, even if no one will listen. we all have stories. some have fairytale endings, others dont. not everyone is lucky enough to make it all the time. but we all have stories. we're made up of stories. stories to cover up our mistakes, stories to glorify our achievements.

honestly, what can i do? i'm helpless.

how does my story end? i'd like to think it hasnt yet begun, but it has. and therefore it must go on. its a horrible feeling, having to feel so empty inside, knowing that there is a hole to patch. i miss those times. now, everything feels so second-hand, so used, so done. it is my fault, i know. so many things always is. and i'll regret it always. knowledge like these can kill. it slowly eats away at my mind, and before i know it, i'm head over heels in this shit.

i tell stories, to make myself feel better. i tell stories because stories let me pretend. telling stories lets the mind wander away from this rather desolate location. and so i will tell stories.

i've got no more lies for you, no more mistakes, no more maybes, no more chances.

i dont wish i could forget. forgetting means i have to give up the happiness that i did once have. i dont want to forget and just have just another face in the crowd.

and suddenly, it just seems like its all about me. just count the number of Is and mes. but we all know, its never really about me.

for all the good that technology is worth, it has but one great downfall: LAG. i hate lag. i fucking hate lag so bad i want to murder someone everytime it happens. i am not a patient person. not when it comes to this. i can wait for great things. i can wait for the world to end, i can wait for the sky to fall, i can wait for muse to come to spore again, BUT I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY PAGE TO LOAD. it is freaking annoying having to press f5 10 times before the page starts to slowwwwwwly load. UGH.

so screw technology. when the laptop motherboard dies, when the desktop internet lags, when the sister hogs the only good piece of technology left in the house, I SAW SCREW TECHNOLOGY.

i need to deep think. i have a ki assignment to do, which i dont really feel like doing anymore. it'll prob only take me 15 mins, but still, its not as exciting as i thought it would be. i know what i shall do. i shall REFLECT. (why am i using so many caps today?!? and i am reaaaaaaly annoyed with the desktop. words cannot describe just how frustrated and angry i am right now. but i shall try anyway. my arms are tensed up, ready to hit something. my neck feels tense. my chest is slightly tight, and there is a great feeling of repressed violence in me right now. right now, i want to punch my sister into pulp. it is too much anger. stop.)

deep thought. deeeeeeeep thought. *thinks* i think i might have lost my ability to deep think. right now, i suspect i can only deep talk, but i cant deep think. this does not bode well for my future.

its really over.

it hasnt really sunk in yet. right now, things still feel kinda normal. i suspect its cos i havent actually stepped back into 24. tomorrow will be difficult. i know it will. going to school, realising that i dont have to spend hours in 24 again, realising that yes, i actually do have lessons to go for. realising that i can have a life again. realising that life does go on. and realising that it really REALLY is over.

am i sad? sad am i? i am sad? not yet. it hit me a little last night, while i was bumping out my stuff from day. for a moment, just sitting there alone surrounded by wires, silence and the cold of day, it did feel like the end. i felt a strange feeling of calmness, and it was nice. nice, but foreign at the same time. i dont think anyone really realises its over until it really is over. den it just suddenly hits you like a train. i think in the next week or so all the 'what ifs' and all the 'if onlys' will begin, but till then, i am relishing the moment.

yesterday was great. some parts kinda sucked. sam getting injured, my piece being shit, my groups being all random and weird, but overall it was good. i think the most important thing was the feeling of closure. it really did feel like it ended. someone put it very aptly, it was like our investiture. and it was a good way to end. the timing was right now, just after exams, just before everyone gets back to their normal lives. no need to revisit the past, no need to fear the future.

there is a strange contradiction to how i feel. on one hand, there is an extremely great feeling of relief, and yet on the other hand there is a whole lot of sadness. i'm very glad its all over, but of course some part of me wishes it never ends. as usual i am being longwinded again, as i always am, but wad the hell. lets try summing everything up in as little words as possible...

its really over.

if you ask me now, i can honestly tell you, it feels incredible...

its 2 days before groups, 3 days before IS, and i'm not that scared yet. this is scary. tonight, i know i am going to be so damn fucking freaked out. its not quite dawned on me the magnitude of this.

OH GOD.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

really, muse is awesome. i want to be matt bellamy. i wish i was as cool and interesting as him. (not to mention musically gifted) unintended must lyrically be one of the best songs written ever. the beauty of it lies in its simplicity i guess, and its so much more apparent as compared to the complexity of other muse songs. today one advert (for sarah connor chronicles) used paranoid android, i was like wah? since when channel 5 learn to use cool music?

i'm so tired, so much so i cant think anymore. i just want to run away.

its all deserting me now. somehow, i think it always does. as it gets closer and closer, i move further and further from where i want to be. i've forgotten the chance to be me.

as shu puts it quite aptly, life is bleak.

it is sometimes possible to be just about satisfied...

i forgot i forgot i forgot what i wanted to say.
questions, questioning this endless array.
fight, even when the battles are far too long.
fight, because thats your one chance to break away.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ubuntu_(ideology)

i am so damn freaking tired. its not funny.

i had a strange strange dream last night. it felt so real. i could feel. i never felt like that before. i've never been so emotionally involved and engaged in a dream before. it scared me, when i woke up. my mind was spinning. i woke up and in my dream, and waking up twice is just not good.

and i wake up exhausted. i always do. i havent had good sleep in ages. every night, my dreams suck all the energy out of me. i havent once woken up feeling refreshed and ready to go. my limbs feel heavy, my back feels weak, it always feels like yet another miserable day. its this emotional state i'm stuck in. its affecting me alot worse than i care to reveal. and in all honesty, its prob affecting me alot worse than i'm willing to accept. its difficult to feel so shitty all the time. life becomes a drag. i'm envious of people who make life look so damn easy. they can smile at everything. yes, no one's life is perfect. we all experience our ups and downs, but some people are able to take it so much better.

i dont want to whine, again and again and again. nothing i say can change anything. words count for nothing. times passes, and words still count for nothing. i could wish, i could hope, i could want to go back and change the past. but i cant. and i know i cant. all i need now to is believe i cant, for as long as i believe i can, i cant move on. i cant live in the present that is so much more worth living in than the past.

its easy to be lively when you are happy.

people arnt good or bad by nature. however, i think there is such a thing as nice people by nature. its not easy, its not common. but it happens occasionally. you just cant become nice, like really become nice. yes, you can pretend to be nice, but i think its like what jireh said in slots yesterday. your relationship with other people the the product of your relationship with yourself. if you arnt naturally a nice person, how can you be nice to others? yes, of course its possible to pretend. we all do. its sometimes the only thing we can do. but there's no hiding the fact that often beneath all those pictures, we share a similar core that isnt nice at all.

i want a prs i want a prs i want a prs :(

you stupid spineless slug. why do you even bother? yes i do understand that you cant explain.

my condo is having a poolside screening of enchanted right now, its horrible. but i must justify myself, lest people condemn me for being narrow-minded and what not. enchanted is imo, a BAD show. but its my own opinion. its polluting the minds of our youth! its not that its like, badly written. its just overly cheesy and idealistic and utopian and perfect and beautiful, when lets face it, life is nothing like that. its not that i disagree with fairytales. i agree with fairytales fully, i think everyone needs some kind of fairytale dream. its hope. but well, i really cant accept the kind of fairytale presented in movies like enchanted. i know yesss, it sells. yesss, its nice to watch (for some people), yessss girls will all go awwwww. but seriously? ok lah, i know its just me being me and trying to assert my opinion on others which i should not do, but its something i feel strongly about. i cant hate people for liking enchanted. i dont, i really dont. i dont know who will actually believe me, but that's my stand. i just well, dont see things quite as being quite as rosy. i still want my fairytale. i just hope it doesnt involve falling through manholes or fighting dragons...

shattered? hee....

tired tired tired tired tired

i've had several westlife songs stuck in my head today. it is downright disgusting.

i might be the only one who thinks i can be a nice person.

today i bought new swimming trunks, and went for a swim.

there is nothing, my dear,
quite like the relief that is near.

sigh. hello once more, its nice to see you again.

you'll never quite understand what it's like, going to sleep feeling terrible, and waking up feeling just as bad. its unpleasant. its bad sleep. you dont have to dream about suicide, of course not. you dont have interrupted dreams of people you dont know. you dont dream about a past that never happened, a future that you desire so bad. you dont have to wake up at 5am, feeling thoroughly unrested, and having yet another queer dream between 5-7. no, you dont have to suffer. no, you dont have to be weird.

but its nice, you know. its nice being you, sometimes. people dont bother as much, people dont seem to want to care too much. and i'm fine with that.

i do wish i had a reason. i do wish i had an explanation. but all i have for you are excuses, my friend. i'm sick of them. i'm sick of making all these excuses, because i know i am putting off the inevitable. i thought about it last night, before i went to sleep. if i had a time machine and only one chance, what would i do? would i be selfish enough to take myself back in time and change what has happened? would i be naive enough to think that i can do what i couldnt? would i be brave enough to change? i asked myself, and then i will ask you. could you do the same? its nothing like a sacrifice. sacrifices have a point. sometimes, we dont need a point. some things need no explanation, some things are better off left without reason.

i dont get you. of course i dont. you hide better than i lie.

as always, i have written a song for you.

silly little me, always forgetting i've got no voice to put lyrics in.

goodbye. until next time, my friend. i will always remember you.

bring it on is the epitome of american stupidity. there is nothing like it.

"and like, my boyfriends the quarterback, and i'm a cheerleader!!"

do you remember when no one's here anymore?

hello my non-existant reader, welcome to my blog. first of all, i do warn you that you really are non-existant. second of all, i really am an attention seeking loner, with nothing better to do with his life. of course, you could argue that i am lying. but let us all assume that i am not.

i do not speak in riddles, for there is no point. no one reads, no one understands, no one belabors my point.

i make no attempt to be coherent, nor incoherent. what i say might just be what i am, although i am never sure. that must surely be the beauty of it all. everything is changing all the time. i'm like jello and you are my bowl.

i concede that i am an imperfect flaw. we are all little bits to a non-existant puzzle. god doesnt have time to make jigsaw puzzles.

i dream alot these days. too much, i might say. i dont know what i havent dreamt about. everyone has appeared, teachers, friends, parents, aliens, ghosts, you, you, you, you, you, you and of course, you.

i am not the same anymore. think back 26 years. do you remember what it was like back then? dont worry, neither do i.

i worry, of course i worry. i worry because i know where it might go wrong. i dont live life thinking everything will be alright.

i think about it all the time. there's no other way. yes, its been tough, its been horrible, nightmarish. but its all that is keeping me alive.

hello my non-existant reader. i am glad you take an interest in my life.

sigh

i am so tired. of having to do the same thing over and over again. why cant people give more a damn? i am so sick of it, so sick of them. sigh.

i know, looking back, i will have so many regrets. i already do. and i always wanted to live without having any regrets. it seems, that no longer can be the case. too many doors have opened and closed, and i dont know if they'll ever open again.

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch cuz you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

i am extremely annoyed. i have no patience for these trivial irritants. argh. i dunno whats wrong, whether isit the new computer, the internet, the settings, the anti-virus, i dunno what. but its damn screwy. and i am freaking annoyed. its so hard to get anything done at all. i'm losing my threshold for tolerance.

its been a long time since i posted.
its been a long time since anything.
its been a long time since i've been fine.
its been a long time since i've been happy.
its been a long time since i've had freedom.
its been a long time since time didnt seem to speed by.
its been a long time since i looked forward to tomorrow.
its been a long time since i could speak.
its been a long time since anyone seemed to care.
its been a long time.
i know it has been.

dont know where i'm going, dont know where i've come.

how do i explain it to thee? it is the lack of purpose that is driving me crazy. its killing me, not knowing what i'm doing, not knowing where i'm headed. i cannot live every day the same way anymore. it all started when it started to end. you cant live life in a fishbowl when all you have is a cup. i've been searching so long, i'm not sure for what. but i know i have been searching.

i have felt the fatigue, the pain, the many days of suffering and salty tears. but still i get sand in my eyes, walk blindly into the dessert, with nothing but the pyramids in mind.

its nice to have things and people to capture my mind. all the colourful drawings, the beautiful sunsets, the never ending rainfall, your fleeting smile. little children and their innocent grins, flanked by the endless sea and sandy dreams.

no more excuses, you cowardly one. stand up for once, and make it count.

oh my god it is ridiculously stuffy and hot, even at 12.42 in the freaking night. i am melting.

when she sits there, holding the hand of her dying husband. he lies on bed, needing a machine to help him keep going. dressed in nothing more than simple pyjamas and traditional home wear. they are old, wrinkles line their faces. but its simple. to watch them, holding hands, simple unassuming gold bands on the 4th finger of their left hands, it breaks my heart.

yes, love exists.

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible


--
can we stand up for what we believe, when we dont even know what that is?

everything has a reason. we are all innately rational creatures.

i think the most important thing to learn is to know what you believe.

sigh

yes, it has been disappointing. i just hope we are not judged based on that.

maybe if i focus enough on the meaningless and superficial, i can ignore that which really matters.

the difference is that he takes it out on others. i take it out on myself. so we are different, after all.

yes, it is running away. but i cant help it. i've got nothing else to do. no one to lean on, nothing to catch me when i fall. all i can do is run and run, and never look back.

can i even stand up for what i believe?

you think i like it? you think i enjoy being angry? you think i like pissing people off, and making the world hate me?

just because he was right, doesnt mean he wasn't wrong.

fuck lah, not again.

forever, and ever.

and it is ok, after all. i do want to live an idealistic life, full of love and meaning and hope and everything i could possibly want. but in all honesty, what are the chances? i mean, its not that i fervently believe life is meaningless and pointless. i dont think that is true. i just feel that it helps to be aware that life isnt all that it is touted to be. to just know that, well, life does suck. not always, but it does. if we live everyday always believing and hoping blindly, then we are just being ignorant no?
i think its not so much what i want, but more of what i need. i'd like to think that i can look past all the insignificant material details. but can i? until i have tried, i dont think i'll ever know. its tough, because it is irrational. because sometimes it just doesnt make sense. and i kill myself trying to make sense of it. i think some part of me just cannot accept being clueless and lost. when you know, you can control, you are responsible for all the consequences, good or bad. but when you are not in control, so many other things could happen, for better or for worse, who is to say?
ever so often, i just get distracted. my mind wanders off to faraway places. sometimes, i wonder if it may never return. could i then change, and become someone else? but never has that happened. i never get lost, and my mind shouldn't. there's something pulling me back here. i cant ever really leave. yes, i could walk away, but my mind, my heart, my memories, they all will still stay here. and until i can free them, i can never leave. time will pass, as it always has.

will i be there through it all?

oh my god. i just watched possibly the best 40 mins of television drama ever.

judge. judgement. judge. judgement.

we all need to figure out what we're good at. i have a thing for judging people. i realise, that isnt really a good thing. just thinking and thinking and thinking. i cant help but judge. its all about patterns and anomalies. everyone has anomalies. finding them tells me why people are different. and yet at the same time, everyone has patterns. everyone has habits. everyone has preconceived notions of the self. once you can identify, that you can diagnose the disease.

why do you think i hide behind this face? its cos i dont want it t actually be me. its so much harder to speak as yourself than to speak for yourself through the mouth of another.

watching tv, pretending like i can run away from the shit that is reality.

what does a jaded, ignorant 18 year old know about love?

its the gatsby complex.
throw parties, week after week,
night through nights.
hoping that the love of your life will appear,
take the light and blow you away.
over the waters and into the sea.
its the gatsby complex.
we're lost without the lights,
like moths without the flames,
like me without the pain.

it makes not sense at all.
is this what we want?
dont give it up, what wasnt yours to begin with.

its not right. of course it isnt. something can be done. something can always be done. but i suppose, i can do it. i have very un-big words. and short term memory. the screen is jumping. what is it called. it's a whole mixture of emotions and states of mind. angst, fear, tiredness, loss, fear, despair, hope, sadness, sentiment. have i but listed everything that could be listed? i need some happiness. a shred of anything is more than anything i might already have.

he's searching for that understated smile,
to match his overstated frown.

as groups, we vote and agree to give the greatest amount of satisfaction to the greatest number of people. sometimes, voting the best means nothing. the best is hardly ever what the people want. ARGH ANGST ANGST ANGST. i suppose that's why a democracy works. democracy allows for wrong decisions, but in the short run, it does not matter. people just want to leave that hall satisfied and happy. any event that leaves the audience feeling shit is a shit event. FUCK LAH CB.

what a joke lah.

am i not quite ready to sacrifice it all?

you've got your special designs,
all the little hearts and yellow crowns.

there are some things in life you just dont forget: all the firsts and all the lasts. that first kiss, the first crush, the first medal, the last goodbye, the last time singing the school song. it just makes us that much more human. it makes all those moments just a little more special.

no one can ever really compromise. we like to think we can, but it's so, improbable. its all those little things you know. you can look past the looks, the money, the love, everything. but can you look past those habits? everyone has habits.

once in awhile, i like to indulged myself in sad, emo rubbish. it can be quite nice, quite comforting. you know, the problem is that everything is presented to idealistically. i'll always be by your side. i'll never let you go. you're the only one for me. yes, it can be true. yes, we all have hope. dats why its so believable isnt it?

i dream, all the time.

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you could be the one i'll always love

you could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions
you could be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy
mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

first there was the one who challenged
all my dreams and all my balance
she could never be as good as you

you could be my unintended choice
to live my life extended
you should be the one i'll always love

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

i'll be there as soon as i can
but i'm busy mending broken
pieces of the life i had before

before you






isnt that like, beautiful?